Thursday, February 9, 2012

IVF #2 CD 22 3dp5dt Crazy Town

How am I feeling? Honestly? I'm terrified this isn't going to work. Once you've experienced failure repeatedly it's hard to keep optimistic. After my FET I was convinced it worked. I kept track of my "symptoms" and just felt pregnant. I was so shocked and upset when I was wrong. 

 I just can't do that to myself again. I hate the thought of not being as positive as possible, but I have to keep my guard up to protect myself. 

I feel like I'm walking the crazy line. I want to be positive, but I'm also so worried it won't work. Next Wednesday is so soon and I don't really want to know. I want to relish in being PUPO as long as possible. I also hate that Valentine's day is the day before my beta, so of course I'll be tempted to POAS. 
I am so scared that our perfect embryos won't implant and that I will feel like a giant failure. Last time the embryos weren't great so I was able to blame the failure on that. This time, the only thing I will be able to blame failure on is myself. 

I want intense cramps and implantation spotting, but no such luck. Maybe I've had some cramping, but I also have giant swollen ovaries and I've been constipated. Who knows what the heck I'm feeling "down there." I learned the hard way last time that all of the meds I'm taking help to create pregnancy symptoms. 

I found out yesterday that we have 4 frozen totsicles. I'm not sure of the grades although I know that 2 were 4BB. I'm pretty happy about having a backup plan, but I also know that the "best of the best" embryos are in me doing their thing. Hopefully that thing is implanting. Please send me some sanity if you have any extra. 

I had a dream last night where I had to have polyps removed again. I was conscious for the surgery and watched the entire thing on a screen. They thought there was only 1, but there ended up being 4. There was 1 that was really big and the rest were smaller. After the surgery they asked me if I wanted to see them. I looked and it was 4 black cats, 3 of which were tiny and adorable. They were stretching their little paws out to me. What the heck?! 


  1. I was considering POAS on Valentine's day too, not sure I could take the heartache if it's neg. For now though, we will live in ignorant bliss knowing that we've done everything we can do. Stick babies stick!

  2. Sending lots of good vibes your way! And your dream? Holy crap- that is right on par that the insane seams I've been having! Awesome!

  3. I know just how you feel not wanting to be too positive or too negative. You need to be ready for any outcome. Unfortunately, all of our negatives have spoiled that excitement in us and leaves us scared. You've got some great embryos! Have faith that those are your babies, and visualize them!

    I am sending you all my sanity and luck and prayers! I am praying you have one VERY romantic day after valentines day. :)

  4. I don't have any calm for you. Our apt with the new doctor to talk about IUI is tomorrow and I'm freaking out!!! Hang in there babe!!! Stick babies stick!

  5. That is some dream! I am hoping you will make it to that beta. I know how hard it is to resist...

  6. I always had dreams that I was giving birth to a litter of puppies or kittens when I was pregnant :) I take that dream of yours as a good sign. (knocking on wood).

    Having such good embryos in the bank is a wonderful thing. I'm thinking tons of sticky thoughts for the ones you have on board. Stick embies and grow!!!!

  7. I know it's terrifying :( But just keep hoping and praying that it will happen. That's all we can do unfortunately. xo

  8. Just thinking about you today and sending you strength and love! I'd have to clear out all the hpts from the house and give all my money to my husband haha!

  9. One! More! Day! You can do it... no use peeing today when you can pee tomorrow :)

    Good luck, Liz!