Sunday, June 5, 2011

sibilng rivalry

My sister and I are about 2 and a half years apart. She's the older one and never took the little sister thing well. In fact, the first day they brought me home my sister went upstairs and peed through a heating vent onto my Mom's head as she was holding me. 

Things didn't get much better as time went on. I was super cute when I was little (perhaps a little biased), and K was always jealous of me. My Mom and I also got along better since I was the easy-going one. My parents split up when we were young and my Mom raised us for the most part. My sister argued about everything and always gave my mother a hard time. She also tortured me often. She never wanted me to play with her and convinced me to do all sorts of things that got me in trouble. Example: telling me she would give me $20 if I danced on the roof naked when I was about 7. The neighbor called and all I got was in trouble, definitely no money. 

When I became a teenager and started dating she would find out everything bad I was doing and tell my mom. Not that anything really came out of that, but she sure tried to get me in trouble. I always did well in school and had lots of friends. K struggled more, especially with doing well in school, despite the fact that she is very smart. Our fights escalated as we hit our teens and we barely tolerated each other. 

When I was in late middle school my mom started dating a guy who lived a few hours away. In the end, she decided she would move out to live with him. The plan was to move the summer after my sister graduated from high school (I had completed my freshman year). It was up to us whether we wanted to move or not. I knew I wanted to move to get a fresh start, especially out of the shadow of my older sister. My sister made the decision to stay and move in with my dad. 

After this point we started to get along again. I would go up on weekends and we would hang out. She would call me and we would talk. 

Fast-forward about 10 years. She still lives there and I still live 3 hours away. I have my master's degree and a great job, she just (after 3 attempts and about 7 years) finished cosmotology school and is currently a waitress. I have been married almost 2 years, she is getting married this summer. We own a house, she rents a half-house that is not in great condition. I'm not trying to say how much more awesome I am than her (even though I am), I am just trying to paint a picture of how things are between us. We get along well and she calls me often to chat about nothing and everything. She knew about my first surgery, but doesn't know about the miscarriage or any of the treatments we have been doing recently. The reason I don't tell her is because she has a big mouth and will tell the world. I'm not sure I want the world to know I am doing IVF or everything else we have been through.

This weekend we went to visit for a bridal shower and wedding-related cocktail party. For the first time since I can remember, she is thinner than me. I haven't been feeling great about my weight, but that's another post for another day. The parties were fine, but recently she has been talking a lot about starting a family. I asked her if she will continue to exercise and try to lose weight after the wedding and she said that she was going to be pregnant right away after the wedding. I think she has even said she knows she will get pregnant right away (that being her "kind of luck"). She says it like it's a bad thing that she could get pregnant right away.

 The thing that scares me the most is that she will. I would hate for my under-acheiving sister to finally surpass me at something. I understand she is probably due for a chance to show me up and she is already 30, but it will completely kill me if it happens. I know it's not a competition and her getting pregnant doesn't affect whether I will or not, but I don't want that to happen, especially when we have over a year of a head-start on trying. 

We rode up with my Mom who hasn't been supportive at all through this infertility process and she said something to me like, "It looks like K is going to beat you to having kids." Really Mom? You want me to feel worse about it than I already do? I didn't have much of a response, but felt pretty crappy for a while. I don't even bother telling anything to my mom because she just sucks about this. 

K asked me this weekend when I was going to get pregnant. I told her a few months ago that I wasn't "allowed" to try after the most recent surgery. She totally bought my story at the time, but this weekend was pressing for dates as to when I can start trying. I said something like we have an appointment around the time of her wedding and we will see what is up (when hopefully in reality I will be in the 2ww from our first IVF cycle). She said that it will be great because we can be trying at the same time. 

I guess I could be more open about everything we are going through, but the few people I have told have disappointed me so much. I really only have 2 people who are actually supportive consistently about it all, and a bunch of people who either don't ask at all or say the wrong things. Unless you've been there you won't be able to understand. 

This weekend was hard. It was hard to hear people talking about their pregnant children, their grandchildren, and how they are going to get pregnant right away. The reality of all of this hits hard sometimes. Why do we have to be in the minority when it comes to getting pregnant and why do I have to feel so bad about it all? Why does getting prenant have to feel like a competition with my sister? Welcome back sibling rivalry!


  1. This really hit home for me because I've been feeling the same exact way about my brother and SIL. Although, I am on the other end (I'm older, but got married 3 years after they did, and SIL is due to have her baby this month - the first on both sides of our family). I am feeling so behind, and so disappointed that I've missed out on being the First for something.

    I'm sorry your mom isn't encouraging, and that so far you've not had luck with your IF chats. Definitely a blessing to be in this community of bloggers; I for one can definitely understand having the feelings you're having.

    Thanks again for sharing this - I hope you are feeling a little better than before you started writing it. I'm sending you happy thoughts for your upcomming 2ww!

  2. My brother recently got married... and I'm just waiting for their announcement... it will hurt b/c they're much younger than we are and it will probably happen easily. IF is the big divider but also the biggest taboo.... all makes it so isolating. Sorry that you had to deal with all this and such a difficult w/end. Here for you always xoxo

  3. I'm sorry your relationships with your mom and sister are trying in these times rather than providing much needed support. Thinking of you -

  4. I am so sorry this is how your relationship is. I will keep my fingers crossed that you will get to be pregnant together, with you just a little ahead ;)

  5. I totally get the whole sister rivalry thing. I have a twin sister who got married 3 years before me and has 2 children. Her youngest was born last may and now she's already pregnant again with her 3rd. She has never had a miscarriage and she cannot understand how hard it is for me now that she's pregnant again and will have her 3rd baby while I'm still waiting and trying to have my first. It's a daily struggle. Good luck!!

  6. ahhhh this was so sad to read because I can just imagine the sadness and yet anger running through your body. First of all.. how dare your mom say that to you. Talk about a slap in the face. :/ Sorry you are facing this rivalry. I am lucky to have two supportive sisters but i have 1 sister in law who is the worst! She says things to spite me. I know it. I don't want to think that she is jealous because she has a degree and not only that.. has a child already and 1 on the way. AHHHH!! but just when we get tofether, I feel like she is always taunting me and it is so frustrating. I try to stay away. And then now that she's pregnant... I def walk away. SOOOOO not in the modd to hear her pregnancy stories!

    I hope you find peace soon and hope that you receive your BFP very soon!! Big hugs to you! :)

  7. I have a lot of these same thoughts as you! First of all, my older bro just got engaged, and I am super afraid him and his bride-to-be will be pregnant before Colin and me, even though we've been trying for 4 years.

    And, I HATE that I told some of the people I told about my infertility at work...they say the wrong things CONSTANTLY.

    Anyways, praying for your IVF cycle. Perhaps you and your sis will get pregnant around the same time and you guys can end the cycle of sibling rivalry with your babies.

    Wonderful post!

  8. Thanks for following along on my blog and being the first to comment on my ER!
    To answer your question, I am on an antagon protocol. Probably chosen for my PCOS.

    Good luck in your journey!


  9. I think you're so right people can really disappoint you as far as not being there for you, saying the wrong things, etc. This whole thing is so hard and can be so isolating. It's a hard question how open to be about things...I've become more open as time goes on but not always sure that's the right decision.
    Good luck to you with this cycle!