Christmas

I'm a little late in getting this post together, but I still want to document it. 

Another Christmas has passed. We are exhausted from all the coming and going and we have all acquired some new and wonderful possessions. 

 For Christmas eve we were invited to my in-laws for dinner. There were a lot of people there including our good friends C,  J, and their 3 year old E who continues to adore my hubby W. We had a great dinner and visited with lots of family. We tried to give the girls bottles and enjoy our dinner at the table with adults, but they had other plans. Clara completely refused and only nursed when I left the room with her. Lucy took an ounce or so from the bottle but then also ended up nursing. We really need to work on giving them bottles more since Clara especially is starting to refuse them. Nursing is definitely easier and more convenient, but it would be nice to get a break every so often. I guess I figured since they'd taken bottles fine since birth that they would continue to. I assumed wrong. 

A few months ago our friend C told me that they were going to start trying for another baby. Their first baby was a whoops baby so I figured it wouldn't take them much time. Well, I was right. On Christmas Eve C told me that they are expecting and that she was about 12 weeks along. This is the first pregnancy announcement for me for a while. Immediately I felt so happy and excited for them. But then that old jealous feeling crept back in. I'm not jealous that she's pregnant and I'm not. For the first time in a long time I'm ok with the fact that I'm not pregnant. What I was jealous of was the ease with which they got pregnant. I'm pretty sure it happened the first month. He's a teacher and they timed it perfectly like all great fertile teachers. Just in time for summer vacation their bundles arrive. Like I said, I'm so happy for them. It was just a new and different mix of emotions for me. I don't think jealousy towards extremely fertile women will ever completely go away. 

Christmas morning we went to my moms  for brunch. We opened presents and visited with more friends and family. After brunch my in-laws came over and we opened presents. The girls got lots of books and I bought them each a new wubbanub. We didn't go crazy because there wasn't much point. I got W a new hat and a cell phone case I made him with pictures of the girls. He got me a gift certificate for a massage at a nearby fancy spa. 

We were invited to christmas dinner at W's aunts house and were all dressed up and ready to leave when we got a call saying a child family member had a high fever. We breathed a sigh of relief as we unpacked the girls and slipped back into our jammies, ready to spend Christmas evening home together as our family of four. 

Christmas was wonderful. And exhausting. It was everything I imagined my first Christmas with babies to be. I can't say it enough, but wow, what a difference a year can make!

Now I better start working on a New Year's post before it's March. 

Christmas Eve

I can't help but reflect on how this Christmas is so different from any other. Sure, I'm more exhausted than I've ever been and I missed most of my dinner tonight because I was busy feeding the girls, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I got the best presents of all this year and my heart is so full of love for my little girls. Merry Christmas to everyone. Hoping you have a great Christmas. 

Visiting

Last weekend was the first time we traveled with the girls. We went to Albany to visit my dad and sister and celebrate Christmas with them. The drive was a little over 3 hours each way. 

On Friday during the day my in-laws came over to visit with the girls. This allowed me to do laundry and get most everything packed while they watched them. After they left my mom stopped by briefly, allowing me to take a shower before W got home. I fed the girls around 4:00 and pumped while W packed the car. 

The drive out was great. The girls slept until about 7:30 when we pulled over and woke them up to feed them. I was able to use my double nursing pillow in the front seat and tandem nurse at a rest area in the front seat of the car. Yay for our giant SUV. 

The weekend went pretty well. On Saturday afternoon we went to my step-mom's house to hang out and eventually have dinner. My step-sister, her boyfriend, and their combined 3 kids out of 5 came over. At that point things got pretty chaotic. About mid-way through dinner the girls decided they wanted to eat. Since Clara was awake and crying first I figured I'd nurse her first and then do Lucy after. Feeding one at a time is much lower profile and its what i usially do when I am out. I tried at the table first but it was just too much so I went to the computer room. Clara did great, but Lucy woke up mid-way through and also wanted to eat. I didn't bring the pillow or bottles so W tried to hold her off a bit. 

I guess with all the chaos this made her upset. When it finally came time for her to ear she was just screaming when I tried to get her to. This lasted over an hour of calming her down and then trying again to get her to eat. Finally she did, but it was super stressful getting her to that point. I know W only wanted to help, but he definitely added more stress to the situation. 

Most of the other feedings this weekend went well. I learned there are times when it's better to draw attention to tandem nursing than hold off your daughter from eating amid chaos. 

On Sunday my sister's house was like grand central station. My mom, step-dad, and brother stopped by first on their way back from Massachusetts. Later my dad and other step sister stopped by, followed by my sister's in laws, and then some of her friends also came by. It was nice that everyone got to see the girls, but it was super busy. 

I also got to spend a lot of time with my nephew. Baby proofing is not my sisters forte. He was into everything! At 10 months he's crawling everywhere. He took quite a few independent steps as well. My sister doesn't really have him on a schedule so he's up around 8 or 9 am, and then doesn't go to sleep until about 10 pm. It's exhausting just watching him. He was so good with the girls. When he first saw them he spontaneously gave them hugs. It was so sweet. He's so cute and turns into a total ham when the camera comes out. He really liked the activity table I bought him for Christmas but I think he also thought it was a walker as he pushed it around the whole house. It's hard to believe how much the girls are going to be doing in a few months. I'm happy to stick with smiling and cooing for now. I'm not ready for mobile babies. 

We left Sunday evening around 4 and got home about 8:30. The drive home was pretty good. For about the last half hour Lucy decided she had enough of her car seat and complained, not cried, until we got home. It's so interesting to me that they are really starting to differentiate their cries. 

Overall, our first weekend away was hugely successful. The girls slept great in a foreign environment, traveled well in the car, and handled all the many people like champs (for the most part.) 

Traveling with babies is exhausting. Everything is so much more work when you are out of your home environment. It was a real reminder of exactly how exhausting infant twins are. As tiring as it was, I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Mini-me

I found some baby pictures of myself and W. 

Clara is on the left, me as a baby on the right. 

Lucy is on the left and W is on the right. 

Think there's a resemblance? 

Failure to Thrive :(

My little Lucy is still not gaining weight well. After our appointment on December 2nd we started her on reflux medication. We were giving her Prilosec ,and within a few days things definitely improved. I wasn't a huge fan of this medication because it obviously contained red dye, but I was glad it was working and she was eating well again. Within a week we were running low on the medication. In an effort to avoid the red dye I brought the prescription to a different pharmacy that was able to compound the medication. We picked that up last Tuesday and started it on Wednesday.

Last week Lucy started to come down with a little cold. At first I thought she wasn't eating well because she wasn't feeling well. I also noticed that Clara wasn't eating as well but didn't connect it. I thought maybe she had been going through a growth spurt previously and just didn't need as much suddenly.

By Saturday I put the pieces together. Clara was pulling off during feedings and spitting up more. Her fussiness also returned. Lucy started to arch and cry during feedings and then refusing to eat beyond 10 minutes. It appeared the reflux was back and the new medication, despite being the same thing, wasn't working. I called the first pharmacy with the medication that had red dye and they told me we had a refill of the medication but that it wouldn't be available until after 5 on Monday as it needed to be specially ordered.

The weekend was really rough and I was so grateful W was around to help. On Monday things were horrible with Lucy's feedings and I just told myself I needed to make it to 5:00 and I could pick up the prescription. I knew that one worked and that once I started to give it to her things would improve. Even though Clara wasn't eating as well, her behavior wasn't as extreme and she persisted with feedings despite crying at times and taking frequent breaks.

Monday night I made it to the pharmacy and was told there was no prescription to pick up. When they told me that I stood at the counter and asked why as my eyes welled up with tears. The girls weren't eating or sleeping well and were both incredibly fussy. It was obvious they were both in pain.

The pharmacist looked up the order and under that prescription it said it wasn't available. She was unable to tell me when it would be available. Incredibly upset we spoke and she looked through the prescriptions. In mid November our pediatrician had called in Prevacid as we talked and I wasn't wild about the red dye. I had never filled it. The pharmacist told me it was equally strong to the Prilosec so I decided to give it a try. A $50.00 co-pay later I left the pharmacy with the new prescription in hand and renewed hope.

Tuesday the home health nurse came again to weigh the girls. We weighed Clara first and she had gained 7 oz in the past week, a great gain. I nervously put Lucy on the scale and my heart sank when the nurse told me she had only gained 1 oz in the past week. We talked about different ideas to help with her feedings but I was so discouraged when she left. After I thought about it for a few hours I called the pediatricians office. After speaking with the nurse she said the dr wanted to see her so I scheduled an appointment for yesterday. Both girls continued to be completely miserable. It was rough. I went to bed feeling as exhausted as the first few days at home.

Yesterday we saw the pediatrician. They first weighed her which was the same.as what the nurse had her at the day before with an extra half ounce. Then we waited for the dr to come in. We first talked and told him about the history with the reflux medication. Then he examined her. He said she looked healthy and not like she was sick or malnourished in any way. She smiled a big gummy smile up at him as he was looking her over. We then made a plan. The plan was to add human milk fortifier to pumped milk a couple times during the day. This would up the caloric content of the breastmilk from 20 calories per ounce to 22. We would also give the new medicine some more time to work as she had only been given 2 doses at that point. He also wanted to send her for basic blood work to be sure he wasn't missing anything obvious. We will return the first week in January for a well child visit and recheck her weight then. If at that point she still isn't gaining he would do more involved blood work including a urine sample. If everything from that comes back normal and she still isn't gaining he will send her to a GI specialist.

It eased my mind that both he and the nurse the previous day reassured me of how healthy she looked. She's doing great developmentally and is actually more advanced than her sister physically. Lucy loves tummy time and holds her head so high during these times. Clara still prefers to cry with her face in the blanket. I know she looks fine, but it still breaks my heart that she is now being considered a baby with failure to thrive.

Yesterday and today her feedings have been going really well. She's cried and arched a few times after meals, but she's eating for so much longer. I tried to go to a pharmacy to get the fortifier, but they told me they were unable to get it. The dr warned me that might be the case. I was told if I was unable to get it that they may have to order it for me.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the fortifier. I will do whatever it takes to get my little girl gaining weight, but I hope that is just getting her to eat better. I'm still waiting on a call back from the LC at the NICU who has helped me problem-solve so many other issues in the past. For now though I'm just feeling more positive about her reduced reflux symptoms and longer feedings. I hope we are on the road towards making progress with her weight gain. Her sister's amazing growth on my milk is testament that great gain can be achieved on my milk alone. It's always nice to have a "control baby".

Sleep

I'm pretty sure sleep is a huge issue with most babies. Before the girls came W and I both read parts of the book Babywise. We had some idea going into it how we wanted to do things. 

Night time sleep has always been fairly good. The girls nurse before bed around 10:30. We swaddle them and put them down drowsy yet awake in order to let them fall asleep. Lucy needs her pacifier most nights to fall asleep, but Clara generally falls asleep quickly and without any help. After their first stretch of 6-7 hours they wake up, nurse, and then go back to sleep for another 3-4 hours. I have zero complaints about our nighttime routine. It's SO much better than the early days where we got about 2 hours of sleep at a time. 

My issue unfortunately has to do with daytime napping. The girls don't really sleep well during the day. They catnap here and there somewhere downstairs (in the swing, in a rock and play, on a boppy, etc.). These little naps last about a half hour max and rarely occur at the same time. They are unpredictable and short. I was starting to lose my sanity.  

This past week I decided I needed to do something about our daytime routine. I needed to put my foot down so I picked back up my book and started to read. I laughed when I saw I had left off on a chapter about napping. No wonder I had no plan or idea of what I was doing. So I read and decided the next day I would enact our new routine. It wasn't rocket science, but it consisted of a pattern of eating, playing, and then sleeping. 

The first day for our first nap I tried to put the girls down in their cribs. That was a total no go since they are still sleeping in our room at night (Clara in a cradle at the foot of our bed and Lucy in a rock and play next to the bed). For the next nap I tried to mimic our nighttime routine as closely as possible. I swaddled the girls and then put them down where they sleep at night. To my surprise, they slept. At the same time. For more than a half hour. 

I started this routine on Tuesday and have continued it since. So far it is going pretty well. There are times when one girl refuses to sleep or times when I have to go back upstairs to put their pacifiers back in their mouths, but things are so hugely improved. I have some time to myself. I am able to eat and sit down without a baby attached to me. 

We shall see how things progress, but so far I would consider my first week of operation napping to be a success. Our next mission will be operation sleep in the crib, but I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that yet. They are probably more ready than me. For now though I'll just take it one step at a time. 

3 Months Old

The girls turned 3 months old on Tuesday. I honestly have no idea where November went. I can't believe how soon Christmas will be here. The babies are doing really well and I'm loving being their mommy. It really is the hardest yet best job in the world.

We are getting out and about more often with the girls. We've been to friends houses, the mall, restaurants, and lots of different stores. I'm getting out more by myself and working on my "twinceps" aka the muscles you gain from carrying 2 carseats. We have a double snap and go stroller that is a lifesaver. I can't recommend it highly enough for future twin mommies.

The girls get lots of attention when we go out and about. We went to a play date at a friends house and everyone wanted to hold them and get their picture taken with them. I'm always happy to have extra hands to hold them though.

My mom comes over most afternoons when I am home. She is a huge help and loves to cuddle with the girls. I've starting working a little bit doing evaluations. W and I went to a movie on Sunday and left the girls with his parents. It's hard to leave them but I also enjoy a little time to myself or just with W.

Lucy- You are still such a little peanut. You weighed 7 pounds 8 ounces on Monday at your appointment, were 20 1/2 inches long, and your head was 14 1/2 cm around. You open your eyes so wide and do it when we blow raspberries. It's one of the cutest and funniest things ever. You love your paci so much and won't fall asleep at night without it. The past few weeks you've given your mommy a lot of stress with your eating. It seems like we've solved the problem with reflux medication and you are making up for all those bad feedings the past few weeks. You adore your daddy and can't take your eyes off of him when he is within your line of sight. You will even crane your neck to watch him if he moves across the room. You track objects and faces, stand up on your feet, hold your head so high during tummy time, and smile at times. It's not consistent yet, but you've definitely done it quite a few times. You are cooing and are generally a very mellow baby. You love your mobile I made you above your crib and will stare and talk to it for quite a while. You are finally enjoying your carseat rather than screaming your head off and foaming at the mouth while in it. When you cry you have the saddest face ever and real tears often come out. You found your hands and are obsessed with them. They are almost always up around your face or in your mouth and you love to flail your arms around. Sometimes when I nurse you you will wave your arms around or hit me or yourself by accident with them. You are such a cutie and we love you so much!

Clara- You are getting so big! You weighed 9 pounds 7 ounces on Monday, were 22 inches long, and your head was 14 1/4 cm around. You are smiling like crazy and love when we kiss or squeeze your cheeks. You love peek-a-boo and music. Singing to you almost always calms you down. You don't like to sleep during the day but are a champion sleeper at night. You go right to sleep without any problem most nights. You love looking at faces and eating. Even if you are asleep you will wake up and pig out. No wonder you are gaining weight so quickly. Your eyelashes are so long and thick and we are hoping your eyes stay blue. You like your swing but prefer to be held. You aren't a big fan of tummy time and will often fuss when we put you on your belly. Your reflux is so much better and you are much happier. You track people and things, stretch your arms out and grab onto my clothes, stand up on your feet, smile all the time, and you lose quite a bit of head control when you are milk drunk. You look like a bobble head when you do that. You are starting to fuss when your diaper is wet and are so dramatic over little things. We call you a tea kettle as you squeal in such a high pitch when you're upset. You look almost identical to my baby pictures with your daddy's chin. You are so amazing and we are so lucky to have you.

The girls have very distinct personalities. They are definitely individuals. I can't wait to see how they will grow and change over time. 

We celebrated Lucy and Clara's first Thanksgiving surrounded by family. We hosted at our house and had my mom, step-dad, brother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew Benny, dad, mother-in-law, and father-in-law. My dad did most of the cooking but the guests also brought food. The girls got to meet their cousin Benny for the first time. He is 6 months older than them and I know they will all cause lots of trouble together in the future. We took the babies to a photo studio to get their pictures taken and they came out really cute. 

I've started to work a little bit here and there doing evaluations. When I go I'm only away for a few hours at a time and I miss the girls terribly. Getting a little break does help a bit with my sanity and it's nice to feel like I can contribute a little. 

The girls are sleeping pretty well at night. They go down around 10:30 after an extra long feeding. They then sleep for about 6-7 hours, wake up to eat again, and sleep another 3-4 hours. It so much better than at first. During the day they eat every 2-3 hours, typically closer to 2. 

Time has a whole new concept. For the longest time I wished for the days to pass. I counted down to the next shot, appointment, cycle, or test. I crossed each day off on the calendar. Now I wish time would slow down. The girls are already growing and changing so much. I want to soak up every baby moment because I know these days are fleeting. 

I'm a different person than I was last year. We were both at the bottom last year. I was ready to give up trying for a baby. Last Christmas was tough. I just read this post from last year and teared up. It's crazy how much things can change in a year. I find myself singing Christmas carols to the girls. Songs I haven't sang since I was a child. The magic of Christmas has returned. I have 2 beautiful girls in my life, something I really wasn't sure was going to happen last year. I'm really truly happy for the first time since W and I first got married. My heart is healed and I feel complete with my little family. It's amazing the difference a year makes. 

The girls with their friend Carmine. He's quite the ladies man!

Benny the ham

They weren't too into our photo shoot

I Had No Idea

I had no idea how much I could love and worry about something so little. The past few weeks have been busy. They have brought huge milestones to our house but also tons of worry. It's nothing huge, but as their mommy I worry about them often.

Lucy and Clara are no longer that close in size. When they were born there was a 12 ounce difference between them with Lucy being the smaller baby. I jokingly refer to her as the "little big sister". The first few weeks at home they gained at about the same rate of 7-10 oz per week. Then Lucy stopped eating as well and for as long as her sister and the weight gap started to widen. Lucy is definitely noticeably lighter and smaller than her sister.

Unfortunately the dreaded thrush returned. I'm pretty sure we never fully got rid of it, but within the past 2 weeks it's been back full force. The pediatrician made me bring the girls in to be seen on a Friday and again questioned whether it was thrush. Every time they try to tell me it's milk residue. First off, I've never seen babies with such white tongues, and secondly, I had all the symptoms once again(burning nipples, shooting pain in my breasts, and shiny and red nipples.) Attractive, I know. Well, after 2 co-pays and $60.00 I convinced them to prescribe Nystatin again and we headed out. By Wednesday I was getting concerned about Lucy's feedings or lack there of. Their tongues didn't look any better and she would latch but then quickly pull away and cry out as if she was in pain. I couldn't get her to eat for 10 minutes with any feeding. She was getting upset and so was I. Finally I called and explained what was going on and the Dr called in a stronger medicine.

Their tongues started to look much better but this behavior continued. The past few days I have been beyond stressed out. I have a plugged duct from the girls not eating well that I'm trying to get rid of. Lucy and I have both shed quite a few tears over this feeding fiasco. 2 days ago she skipped 3 feedings in a row and cried and cried as I tried to get her to eat. It wasn't any better with a bottle, the behavior was exactly the same as soon as the milk was in her mouth.

Today we went to the pediatrician for their 3 month (!!!) appointment. Lucy had only gained 2 ounces since her last appointment 11 days prior. Clara had gained 6 oz. I asked the pediatrician if he was concerned and he said her gain wasn't ideal. There is now a 2 pound difference between the girls. I explained what had been going on and his best guess was that she also has reflux. We decided to try the same medication as Clara and started it tonight. I really hope this helps and she starts to gain weight like her piggy sister. 

I'm just so tired of worrying so much about her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for better feedings and better weight gain. 

Unfair

I recently mentioned my friend Katie in a post. We met at prenatal yoga and really bonded because we were both pregnant with twins. I have a subtle way and trying to determine if someone's multiples were conceived with fertility treatments or not. I ask them when they found out. If someone found out at 6 weeks it was likely fertility treatments due to the close monitoring. If someone found out at more like 8 weeks likely they spontaneously conceived their multiples. The first time I met Katie I asked her when she found out. She told me at around 8 weeks and also mentioned in passing that she had twin nieces. I assumed her twins were spontaneous. 

Katie and I chatted before and after yoga quite a few times and added each other on Facebook and exchanged a few messages. We made plans to go for dinner sometime with our hubbies, but she got placed on bed rest at 24 weeks so it never happened.

Katie was in and out of the hospital due to placenta previa and concerns with baby B. One afternoon while I was pumping in the NICU I received a message from her that she was back in the hospital and that baby B wasn't going to survive. Unfortunately, they lost him at 27 weeks.

The surviving twin was born 2 weeks ago at almost 34 weeks. It's funny that we were 8 weeks apart in our pregnancies and now our babies are 8 weeks apart. Not how either of us planned things, that's for sure. 

I visited Katie last Wednesday at the hospital. I met her little boy who has his twin brother's first name as his middle name. We chatted about a lot of different things because I was there a few hours. Somehow the 6 week pp ob appointment and birth control came up. She said something along the lines of them having a hard time getting pregnant. I added that my ob asked and I said we weren't going to use any birth control since it took us 5 rounds of IVF to get pregnant. She asked if we used CNY (Dr. K) which is the clinic I did 3 ivf's at without success. I told her we started there but didn't have success and found a dr in NYC. I asked if she went there and she proceeded to say, "I'm so mad at Dr.K!" 

she told me they conceived with IUI. She used injectables and it worked the first time. She told me they had 13 mature follicles at trigger! She told me she was originally pregnant with 6 babies. She told me she had to travel to NYC for a fetal reduction.

Could her pregnancy have been more difficult and emotional? I think one of the hardest things to have to do would be to reduce after wanting and trying so hard to get pregnant. Her pregnancy started emotional, continued to be that way with bed rest, hospitalizations, and the loss of one of her twins, and ended that way with her surviving twin spending 13 days in the NICU. I hate that people have to go through anything like that. Infertility is tough enough.  

Outings

Last week was W's first full week at his new job. Monday was a rough day. Clara cried for a vast majority of it and I was counting on my mom to come over much earlier than she did. That night I explained through tears to W that there are going to be days where I don't accomplish much other than basic survival. I also decided my dairy days were over.

On Tuesday things were much better. I was planning to get out of the house with the girls. My mom showed up that afternoon as I was getting ready to leave. It wasn't much but I went to a hallmark store to buy a card for my nephew's birthday, the post office to mail his present, I browsed briefly at Marshall's, and then went to a deli and got a sandwich. All of these places were in one plaza, but I felt super accomplished. Clara did some screaming and my mom had to free her from her carseat, but all in all it went well.

Wednesday I wanted to get out again. It was sunny and fairly warm for upstate NY in November. That afternoon when my mom came over we headed to a nearby park with the dogs and babies for a walk. We walked for about an hour as both girls snoozed away. After, I went to the ATM at the bank to deposit some checks.

Wednesday night was not a good night for sleep. Lucy pretty much refused to sleep until about 3:30 AM. She grunted, whined, and fussed in bed next to us for hours.

Thursday morning I woke up and decided I was going to get super adventurous. The instructor for the prenatal yoga class I went to also offers a post natal mama baby yoga class. I was super curious about it and had asked my mom if she'd join me the previous day. I got up a little after 8, fed the girls, pumped quickly, and busted my butt to get out the door by 9:10.

The class was from 10:15-11:30 about 50 minutes away. When I arrived I knew the girls would be ready to eat shortly. I ran in while my mom waited in the car and asked the instructor about feeding the girls. She told me that mamas were encouraged to feed their babies during class as needed.

The class was so great. I didn't exactly do a ton of yoga, but it was such a great environment. I recognized a bunch of people from prenatal yoga and got to meet their babies. Most of the babies were under 6 months and there were about 20 mamas there. It was so nice to be in a room where it was okay if my babies cried or needed to be fed. The class is only offered twice a month, but I definitely plan to return.

From yoga we went to my in-laws house to feed the girls and have lunch. I have a friend I met through yoga who was 8 weeks behind me in her twin pregnancy. She started to have complications around 24 weeks related to placenta previa. Around that time her baby b wasn't growing as well as baby a and may have had other complications. Unfortunately she lost her little baby b at 27 weeks. A little over a week ago she delivered baby a at about 33 weeks. We had exchanged quite a few Facebook messages and I reached out to her to try to support her while her baby was in the NICU. I can't imagine the post partum hormones mixed with the NICU experience and the mourning of a baby.

I brought a few things with me that morning in hopes I could stop at the hospital and see her and her baby. The girls ate well and then we headed to the hospital. My mom was planning to walk the girls in the stroller while I went in. Unfortunately my friend wasn't there as she had a doctors appointment. I left the stuff and we headed home. We later corresponded and I planned a different time to visit again. 

On Friday we stayed home and did nothing. There were snow flurries outside all morning and I was exhausted from our busy week.

Cutting out the dairy has made a huge difference with Clara. It stinks and is hard, but honestly, totally worth it to avoid the inconsolable screaming. It was almost like a light switch when I stopped the dairy. 

I'm proud of myself for getting out so much my first full week home, but know it would have been much harder without my moms help.

Yesterday I went back to Syracuse to see my friend's baby in the NICU. I got the girls out of the house by myself and they both slept the entire drive. Usually Lucy does some serious screaming in her carseat so it was nice to have such a quiet back seat. I brought the girls to my in-law's, fed them, and then left to go to the hospital. It was really nice to see my friend Katie and meet her little guy Jack. I also saw my favorite LC and got to catch up with her some. It is so hard to believe my girls were as small as little Jack not very long ago. We don't have any plans for the rest of the week but I think we'll go to a different park today for a walk. 

I'm definitely realizing that I need to get out of the house more. It's tough to not have anyone to socialize with during the day. It's also good to have a little change of scenery from time to time. Now I just need to find places to go/things to do that don't cost money. Any ideas?

Add caption

Hanging out during the day. Lucy wasn't too thrilled.

Snuggled in bed the morning.

Lucy is getting so strong!

Trying to Remember

I'm having the hardest time finding the time for my blog. I'm not ready to move on from this space yet. I want to remember the good, bad, and the ugly of parenting infant twins. If I don't write it down somewhere I'm guaranteed to forget. 

Take for example the morning I was snuggling in bed with Clara. She had just eaten and was very calmly looking into my face. As I looked back at her lovingly she spit up out of her nose and into one of my eyes. Yuck!

Last night W was holding Lucy. She was obviously working on something in her diaper so he started to bicycle her legs to help her. As her pushed her legs towards her body her grunting got so intense and loud that we both cracked up laughing.

One afternoon while W was out running errands I decided I needed a shower. The girls were being pretty calm so I decided to go for it. I put them in their rock and plays just outside the bathroom with the door cracked. It was great for about 5 minutes. Then Clara started to whimper. I hurried along and by the time I was out she was crying. She did not appear to be stopping. Not just that, but she got her sister going too. Needless to say, when W arrived home I was naked, with my hair still wet, rocking both girls in the glider under one of their quilts. I guess I'm not ready for solo showers yet.

I like to bring the girls in the tub with me for their baths. It beats leaning over the tub and holding them and I love the skin to skin time. Well, as I was finishing up Lucy the other day she got a very calm look on her face and then pooped! I picked her up and jumped out of the tub so fast. Good thing Clara was already clean. 

Life moves lightening fast and at a snails pace all at once. The girls turned 2 months old this week. They are growing and changing every day. Halloween came and went and now it's November. It's hard to believe. Last time they were weighed Clara was 7.9 and Lucy was 6.6. They are filling out newborn clothes, holding up their heads, and becoming much more alert. 

The past 2 weeks or so have brought about reflux/colic/food allergies/who the heck knows with Clara. There is lot of crying and screaming and there are times when accomplishing anything other than soothing her is impossible. It's a good thing Lucy is so laid back and easy because I don't know what I'd do if they both screamed so much. It's exhausting and super frustrating but sad at the same time because it really does seem like she's in pain. We started Prevacid last week to hopefully help with the reflux. The reflux does seem better but the screaming still persists. Yesterday after hours of screaming I decided I need to cut out dairy. I had had a bunch the night before (including a root beer float) and Clara was just miserable. I will try anything to relieve us both of the crying. Thai food and Indian food have also both resulted in a miserable Clara that night and following day. 

I know it's all temporary and they will be walking and talking before I know it. I want to soak up these infant days because, to be honest, I wasn't positive I'd ever experience these moments. I just have to try to find the time to write it down so I don't forget. 

Due Date

October 15th was my 40 week due date. I started this post the day after but hadn't gotten around to publishing it yet. It's tough to find the time to write a post and then go through and edit. That much time is hard to find these days and I'd rather spend it snuggling with my girls than editing an old post.  

The girls are 7 1/2 weeks old now. Time is really passing quickly. 

 The girls turned 6 weeks old on their due date. Lucy celebrated her due date by latching and nursing without a shield for the first time. I was busy getting Clara on the other side and Lucy got impatient and decided to just go for it. She nursed for about 20 minutes without the shield and it was a huge milestone. I was so proud of her.

As much as life would be easier without having to clean and use the shields all the time, it's also super easy to get them latched and let them go once they are on. I joke that I have more free hands when I'm nursing two babies than when I'm bottle feeding one. 

The nursing is still going well. The thrush is finally better and we aren't having to sanitize as often. It took some convincing to my dr and a prescription of Diflucan, but it's hopefully gone. It was pretty unpleasant, but hopefully behind us. 

 Breastfeeding is getting easier, but I'm still pumping after feedings. I want to cut back and not have to pump after feedings, but I'm worried about changing things. Initially I was pumping after feedings in the NICU as the babies weren't eating much or emptying my breasts consistently. It was also to build up my supply some so I was prepared when the girls started to eat more. I spoke with my favorite LC q few weeks ago and she said I could start to cut out pumping sessions by skipping every other and paying attention to how full I felt after. She said if the girls didn't eat much at a feeding it was still important to pump. The thing is, we are freezing at least 20 oz a day. It's nice to have a bit of an oversupply and feel prepared for when the girls have bigger appetites, but I'm a bit sick of pumping. As sick as I am of it I know things are going really well. It's scary to change something when it's going so well. I'm so worried about not having enough for them. I typically pump for about 20 mins after a feeding and get anywhere from 2-4 oz. We recently stopped giving a bottle in the middle of the night so rarely even used the pumped milk. It generally goes into the deep freezer. Basically I'm making enough milk for 3 babies. 

I use a double nursing pillow and the girls are such great eaters (as long as they have the shields). I tandem feed them about 98% of the time. I always try them without the shields first and then offer them. We've had quite a few nursing sessions without them, but using them is really no big deal. It's actually quite easy at this point. I know though that the girls are getting bigger and better at nursing without them so I should really work on it more. To be honest, I just use the shield right away at night. It's much easier than trying to get frantic hungry babies to latch on to flat nipples. 

The girls are doing so well. A week ago Lucy weighed 5 pounds 12 ounces, up from 3 pound 15 ounces at birth. She is a little grunter and makes so much noise when she eats or sucks on her pacifier. It's so funny. She also makes the funniest little faces and is able to open her eyes so wide it amazes me. She's getting so strong with her neck and moves her head all around during tummy time. She is mellow and easy-going most of the time unless she has gas. When that happens she cries for under a minute and then falls back asleep. She isn't falling asleep too easily the past few nights, but rocking her tends to help. She's very laid back. 

Clara is a little squealer. Last week she weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces, up form 4 pounds 11 ounces at birth. She likes to be held more and is more fussy overall. She loves her swing and looking intently at faces. She's starting to look and feel less like a preemie and more like a newborn baby. I'm not sure if her eyes will stay blue as they are pretty dark now. She loves to cover her face with her arm while she is nursing. We have started to talk about the possibility of reflux as she spits up a lot and is generally very unhappy about it. Quite often within a hour of her last meal you will find her screaming and it's very hard to console her. She will even spit up out of her nose while she is eating sometimes. She makes sounds like she is trying to clear her throat and a few times and choked and coughed because she spit up. She's such a little piggy she can't even stop eating to throw up. When she's upset the only thing that calms her down is walking her around the whole house or rocking her in the glider in her room. She's definitely not as easy going as her sister. 

W is such an amazing daddy. It worked out well that he lost his job. I never thought I'd say that, but the timing was really great. His last day at his job was actually the day I delivered the girls. He's been off since then and will start his new job next Thursday. I'm both scared and excited to fly solo with the girls. It's crazy that my husband got more time off than a lot of women do when they have their babies. I am so grateful that we got all that time together as a family to bond and figure things out. I don't know what I would have done without all of his support. He really is so much help and I know I will miss him terribly when he goes back to work. He does a lot of burping and diaper changing. I think things are just going to take a lot longer when he's not here to help. I'm a little worried about what I will do when both babies are screaming, but I also realize that some of that it to be expected. There are times when both babies want or need something and I'm only one person. Luckily, both mine and W's mom's are just a phone call away. We still need to figure out what we will do at night, but I think only time will tell how much he's able to help or not. 

We got a new car yesterday. It's an SUV with third row seating. W's dad attends automobile auctions and got a great deal on it. I can't wait to drive it! It's a Mazda cx9 and has a lot of really nice features. I still really miss my Subaru, but I was going to get a new car anyway. We were just going to sell W's car and he was going to take over my Subaru. I'm sad I don't have the option to drive it at all anymore.  

I also had my 6 week check up with my ob this past week. W came along and we brought the babies so the dr's and nurses could see the babies they helped deliver and get here. I didn't think I would need a full exam given the fact that I only had a c section, but I guess I was wrong. I was glad I had devoted some time to shaving my legs that morning. Everything was great and I was cleared to resume all activities. W and I had sex for the first time last time since the early days of my pregnancy. When I was pregnant we were both too worried of something going wrong so we didn't have much sex. It was short lived last night and a little uncomfortable, but it felt nice to feel like adults together again. I've lost most of the weight I gained while pregnant but definitely don't look the same. I'd like to exercise some but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm nervous about it affecting my milk supply. It's getting much colder here so I'm not sure about taking the girls for walks when it's so cold.

Time is passing so quickly and my girls are getting so big! No more preemie clothes around here, they are both in newborn. Switching to cloth diapers definitely helped to make that jump. We are likely going to donate all of the preemie clothes to the NICU so other babies can wear them. I know Clara and Lucy wore a lot of their clothes while they were there. 

W and I are trying to enjoy our last few days home together with the girls. Hopefully I'll figure things out quickly once he goes back to work. 

I'll leave you with some photos from around and on their due date. 

Big girls on their due date.

With my friend Tamara's baby Carmine on their play mat. 

My brother (Uncle Sean) holding Clara

Cloth diapers and leggings are so cute, especially x2. 

mmmm....your head tastes delicious!

A picture of them as 5 day old embryos. So, who is who?

4 Years

On Thursday, 10/10 W and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. Both of our moms came over to our house to watch the girls while we went out to dinner. We went to a fine dining Italian restaurant and had an amazing meal. It was weird to leave the girls and go somewhere without them. When we left both grandma's had a baby in hand and when we returned they were still being held but they had switched babies.

We've been through a lot the past 4 years. When we got married we never thought things could be so difficult. We went through 3 miscarriages, 2 IUI's, 5 IVF's, 3 FET's, and 19 embryos before we got our girls. It wasn't easy, but we went through it all hand in hand, supporting each other every step of the way. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful husband and the girls are so lucky to have such a great daddy. 

1 Month Old

I can't believe Clara and Lucy are a month old today. I can't say enough times how grateful I am for them and how lucky I feel to be their mommy. 

Today we took them to the grocery store for the first time. W had Clara in her carseat in the cart and I wore Lucy in the Moby wrap. So many people stopped us and had to talk to us. As we were checking out about 5 different employees (all women of course) came over and had to talk to us and look at them. 

Yesterday when we went to the pumpkin patch an employee was so amazed by them. She said what a miracle they were and said how it made her want to cry. She then turned around as she teared up.

 I look at them in complete awe multiple times a day. They are just so amazing.

Lucy- You are still our little peanut. From the first time I laid eyes on you I was so amazed by how much you resemble your daddy. Your cheeks are getting bigger and last week in a matter of 3 days you gained 5 oz. You grunt quite often and we lovingly refer to you as "old man Lucy" as you grunt, have a receding hairline, have no teeth, fart a lot, and furrow your brow often. We joke that you are a glimpse into W's future about 50 years from now. You are getting better at figuring out how to work your eyes, but make so many funny faces all the time. You love looking at yourself in the mirror on your play mat and are starting to look at our faces more. You love to pee when daddy takes off your diaper and you really like the bath. When I put you into the moby wrap you sigh with such contented sounds. It's one of the cutest things ever. You love your paci and get so mad when we take it away. Your really don't like it when we put Clara squishes you. I guess you had enough of that with her being on top of you for 34 weeks in my belly. Your skin is absolutely perfect and you have such dainty little features. Your eyes are really blue and I'm hoping they stay that way. I'm so amazed by you and love you so much. Daddy is so proud of how much you look like him. 

Clara- You are starting to feel heavy when I pick you up. You love to eat and sometimes hardly even open your eyes before you start eating. You're getting better at eating from the bottle and chug and choke a little less. You squeak all the time and love to snuggle with mommy. It always calms you down when you are upset. You are looking more and more like me every day and really resemble your cousin Benny. Your Aunt Kate can't believe how much you look like him. You love looking at our faces and I swear you are so close to smiling at us. You smile all the time in your sleep. Unfortunately, you seem to have gotten more of my hormones and your skin is breaking out a little bit. You've had sensitive skin since you were born and it peeled a lot while in the hospital. You also got thrush but it's improving. You always get so calm when we put your next to Lucy and when you're upset and crying my voice almost always calms you down. You also love your bath. You are so amazing and we can't believe how much we love you.  

It's amazing the connection the girls already seem to have. They love to grunt back and forth and will often do it from across the room. They sleep together in our room in a cradle and really seem to like being with each other. They are both sleeping well at night and we often have to wake them up to get them to eat. I can't wait until we can let them sleep for longer periods of time. 

This past month has been one of the best ones ever. It took a lot to get these girls here but it was all so worth it.