First Twin Dream

Last night I had my first dream where I saw babies, and there were 2 of them! I have dreams almost every night that I wake up and remember. Since getting pregnant I have often dreamt that I talked or thought about being pregnant. It often happens when I do something or before I do something and realize I shouldn't because I am pregnant. 

Last night was the first time I saw babies. I was holding them in my lap and they were probably close to 6 months old. Both were chubby smiley little boys. 

I had mentioned to W a week or 2 ago that I hadn't had any dreams about twins. I think I am starting to embrace this more. 

W and I talked more about the NT scan and we're not sure we're going to do it. Any advice making decisions? Any results won't change how we proceed with this pregnancy. 

Terrified

I'm really struggling with knowing how to feel about everything. I want to be excited, but I can't help but be guarded in my feelings. My body has only failed me when it comes to pregnancy so it's hard to think everything is going to be fine. I have moments where I feel really confident that this is going to work out, but then I also have moments of terror where I worry that things will go poorly again.

I'm feeling exhausted, my boobs are sore, I'm peeing more, I'm having crazy ass dreams every night, and I've been feeling nauseous and yucky. Those are all things to feel positive about. The cramps and headaches scare me though. To be honest, I really don't know what a normal pregnancy feels like because I've never had one. I so badly want this to work out, but I'm terrified it won't. Did other people experience cramps early in their pregnancies?

I haven't had any spotting or skull crushing headaches. These things have indicted a poor outcome in the past.

I keep wondering why I wanted this. Now that I'm pregnant again it's hard to feel positive about it. I'm anxious, scared, worried, and overwhelmed. It's hard to just sit back and think everything is going to be great.

I know our numbers were really fantastic and things have never started so great for us. But I'm also not naive enough to think that just because things started great they will all end great. I really wish I could sit back and enjoy the ride, but I'm just too terrified. I'm really trying, but I feel like I'm still riding a roller coaster of emotions.

IVF #2 CD 22 3dp5dt Crazy Town

How am I feeling? Honestly? I'm terrified this isn't going to work. Once you've experienced failure repeatedly it's hard to keep optimistic. After my FET I was convinced it worked. I kept track of my "symptoms" and just felt pregnant. I was so shocked and upset when I was wrong. 

 I just can't do that to myself again. I hate the thought of not being as positive as possible, but I have to keep my guard up to protect myself. 

I feel like I'm walking the crazy line. I want to be positive, but I'm also so worried it won't work. Next Wednesday is so soon and I don't really want to know. I want to relish in being PUPO as long as possible. I also hate that Valentine's day is the day before my beta, so of course I'll be tempted to POAS. 

I am so scared that our perfect embryos won't implant and that I will feel like a giant failure. Last time the embryos weren't great so I was able to blame the failure on that. This time, the only thing I will be able to blame failure on is myself. 

I want intense cramps and implantation spotting, but no such luck. Maybe I've had some cramping, but I also have giant swollen ovaries and I've been constipated. Who knows what the heck I'm feeling "down there." I learned the hard way last time that all of the meds I'm taking help to create pregnancy symptoms. 

I found out yesterday that we have 4 frozen totsicles. I'm not sure of the grades although I know that 2 were 4BB. I'm pretty happy about having a backup plan, but I also know that the "best of the best" embryos are in me doing their thing. Hopefully that thing is implanting. Please send me some sanity if you have any extra. 

I had a dream last night where I had to have polyps removed again. I was conscious for the surgery and watched the entire thing on a screen. They thought there was only 1, but there ended up being 4. There was 1 that was really big and the rest were smaller. After the surgery they asked me if I wanted to see them. I looked and it was 4 black cats, 3 of which were tiny and adorable. They were stretching their little paws out to me. What the heck?! 

IVF #2 CD 9 Freaked Out

I had another ultrasound and more blood taken today. The appointment was at 6:45 and W joined me. It was so nice to have him there and to drive. To be honest, I felt horrible when I woke up. I started Dexamethasone yesterday and think this was part of it. 

I had gotten up last night around 3:30 or 4 to pee and had a really hard time falling back asleep. When I did I had horrible dreams. I was super late for my appointment in my dream and started off by getting a ride from my Mom in a crappy car. Then I was driving a rental van with a bunch of people and got stuck in really bad traffic. Then I was running and happened to be running more or less in circles. I woke up feeling incredibly nauseous and anxious. I really thought I was going to throw up but ended up being ok. W drove this morning so I was able to listen to music and recline in the seat. 

I had a much better dream the other night that I was riding my dog all around town. I had to hold on to her collar, but she was definitely larger than life in the dream. I also dreamt that I was pushing an empty baby stroller. 

I've been feeling really full and uncomfortable. Lots of action down there for sure. Today I really started feeling nauseous and my appetite wasn't very good. I've also started getting a bit of a sore throat and feel like I might be getting sick. A lot of the kids I work with are sick right now, but I'm hoping for the best. 

My blood pressure was a little better today because I had a nurse I like a bit more. When the RN did the ultrasound she commented on how many follicles there were but how it was a "great IVF cycle" since I had so many follicles so close in size. Her first reaction was "Oh, wow!" When I told her what my estradiol was on Wednesday, she said to expect a call with a change in instructions this afternoon. I left feeling really optimistic and positive about everything. 

On the left side they measured 8 follicles. 2x9 mm, 3x10 mm, and 3x12 mm. On the right they measured 9 follicles. 2x9 mm, 2x10 mm, 2x11 mm, 1x12 mm, and 2x13 mm. 

Then I got the call around 12:30. Yeah, my estradiol is 5006. Holy $#!*. I was told to take a much smaller dose on Gonal-F tonight (37.5 instead of 150) and to skip the Menopur. They want to see me again tomorrow and were talking about giving me something else (Cetrotide?) to help reduce to estrogen levels. 

I'm totally freaked out and worried about OHSS. I know there are more follicles they haven't measured and my estrogen is scary high. It jumped from 1710 to 5006 in two days. I'm scared. I'm really hoping it goes down a bit and that were are able to do a fresh transfer. 

Hoping for better news tomorrow. 

I'm a Middle of the Day Kind of Person

Some people are morning people and some are night owl's. I'm a middle of the day kind of person. 

6:45 for an appointment is just too early for me. When the alarm went off at 5:00 I wanted to sleep for 5 more hours. I got to my appointment on time and everything went well. My lining was at 6.5 so they want me to get a period before starting stims.

We discussed whether I would use Menopur this cycle or not and came to the conclusion that I will. They even had a box they gave me so that was convenient. The NP said it helps improve egg quality and since my last IVF cycle was unsuccessful it would be good to mix it up. 

I go back Thursday for repeat blood work and another ultrasound. I will start stims that night. The monitoring appointments are unfortunately not part of the package price. I have a co-pay for each one (which is way better than the $320 actual cost), but $25.00 each time is going to add up. 

More crazy dreams around here. I dreamt one night that at the end of stims I had welts at every injection site. I also had a tease of a dream about a positive pregnancy test (after getting up to pee multiple times that night). Last night involved a plan crash but we have been watching LOST lately so I'm sure that's where it came from. 

Went to a staff party for W's work Saturday. I had no idea it was going to be so formal and we both felt way underdressed. About 90% of the women were wearing dresses. Oh well, the cream puffs were delicious. I guess I need to reconsider my definition of dressing up.

Hung out with friends Friday and Sunday nights. Both friends have kids but enjoyed snuggling with Max (7 months) and singing songs and playing with E (17 months).

Had a pregnancy announcement from a family I work with. It didn't hurt at all. I'm not jealous of their situation.

Took a nice long nap while W cooked dinner last night after my early morning appointment. I'm really starting to get excited about everything. Come on Thursday!

Crazy Dreams

Each morning I wake up and remember the crazy dream I had the previous night. I've read that one of the side effects of Lupron relates to having vivid dreams. I once had a dream dictionary that was very interesting. You could look up symbols that appeared in your dreams and try to interpret the dream. I wish I knew where that was these days, because I did find a good resource online. http://www.dreammoods.com/

Here are some symbols I have seen recently:



Starfish
To see a starfish in your dream, suggests a period of healing and regeneration. Alternatively, it indicates that you have many options to weigh and decisions to make- 
I dreamt last night that as I was leaving somewhere I noticed there were multiple starfish stuck to the bottom of my wheel wells of my car rather than snow. I think this makes a lot of sense. I have recently had a lot of decisions to make and am hoping for some regeneration in my life

Violence
In particular, to dream that the violence is directed to yourself, represents self punishment and guilt. You may be feeling helpless or vulnerable in some area of your life.
I dreamt about a lot of random violence in my dream last night. It kept erupting out of nowhere and I was always involved. I do feel sometimes like the infertility is my fault because the problem lies in me. Also, I feel completely helpless and vulnerable about our current baby-making situation. Vulnerable is a good adjective to use in particular.

Gun
To see a gun in your dream, symbolizes aggression, anger, and potential danger. You may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Alternatively, a gun represents the penis and male sexual drive. Thus, the gun may mean power or impotence, depending on whether the gun went off or misfired.
The gun definitely went off in my dream.

Tomatoes
To see a tomato in your dream, symbolizes domestic happiness and harmony
I dreamt I was chopping tomatoes into a large bucket last night. I'm not sure this actually has any meaning, but it sounds good to me.

Bucket
To see or carry a bucket in your dream, indicates an improvement in your current situation. If the bucket is filled, then it signifies abundance, love and wealth. If the bucket is empty, then it signifies that you will overcome some loss or conflict.
I chopped the tomatoes into a bucket that was quite full. I am hoping for an improvement in my current situation!

Chopping
To dream that you are chopping something, indicates that you are trying to cut your problems into smaller, more manageable sizes. You need to break up the issues and attack them piece by piece. Consider also the significance of the object that you are chopping.
Am I cutting away at our "domestic happiness and harmony"?

Wedding Ring

To see a wedding ring in your dream, represents completeness and eternal love.
To dream that you lose your wedding ring, signifies a problem or unresolved issue in your marriage.
As a chopped the tomatoes I took of my wedding rings. In my dream I had 3 rings when in fact I really only have two. Weird that I remember this detail, but not sure it means anything. I dreamt I took them off but then put them on once I finished chopping. I would say we have an unresolved issue though, no kids!

Greenhouse
To see or dream that you are in a greenhouse, represents transformation. You are experiencing some changes in your life brought about mainly as a result of your own doing. It also suggests that you may be too overly controlling. You want things done your way, but in the process you may be isolating yourself.
I dreamt I was chopping my tomatoes in a greenhouse. I would love to have a little more control in this whole process! And yes, I did bring on this IVF thing (a big change). I have been trying to coax my period into coming, trying to have more control than I should.

Sister
To see your sister in your dream, symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her, whether it one of sibling rivalry, nurturance, protectiveness, etc. Your sister may draw attention to your family role.
The other night I dreamt I got into a huge fight with my sister. This was the night after I added my blog entry about being her maid of honor. I told her that I was disappointed in her and that she was a huge failure. I woke up feeling horrible about it.

Breasts
Seeing naked breasts can also denote a feeling of exposure and invasion of privacy. In particular, for a woman, the dream may indicate anxieties about becoming a woman/mother.
I know, really random, but I dreamt about naked breasts the other night. They were really big and saggy and the nipples were HUGE. This could also be because my boobs have been REALLY sore lately. I do feel exposed and like my privacy is being invaded with infertility treatments. For most people, conception is one of the most private things in their life.


Maybe I've read too much into the symbols in my dreams, but my experience previously was that my dreams always seemed to relate to real-life experience, fears, problems, etc. I did a research project on dreams in high school and believe they are a good look into our subconscious. I will try to update more symbols as I remember more dreams.




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