IVF #2 Beta Day

My blood has been drawn and now all I can do is wait. I'm a complete nervous wreck, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through today. I didn't pee on anything so I feel about 50/50 on things. I know today has the potential to be amazing or awful, and unfortunately, nothing in between. I really hope we get good news.

As I was sitting in the waiting room I received this text from W: "I'm so proud of you for the strength and perserverance you have shown in this process. No matter what happens today I am so lucky and happy to be with you." It took everything I had to not start crying in the waiting room. I let the tears stream down my cheeks as I drove off.

Please send your positive vibes, prayers, and anything else you have my way today.

Oh, and I'm pretty ecstatic to have reached 100 followers, thank you so much everybody!

Now to get through the next few hours...

IVF #2 CD 22 3dp5dt Crazy Town

How am I feeling? Honestly? I'm terrified this isn't going to work. Once you've experienced failure repeatedly it's hard to keep optimistic. After my FET I was convinced it worked. I kept track of my "symptoms" and just felt pregnant. I was so shocked and upset when I was wrong. 

 I just can't do that to myself again. I hate the thought of not being as positive as possible, but I have to keep my guard up to protect myself. 

I feel like I'm walking the crazy line. I want to be positive, but I'm also so worried it won't work. Next Wednesday is so soon and I don't really want to know. I want to relish in being PUPO as long as possible. I also hate that Valentine's day is the day before my beta, so of course I'll be tempted to POAS. 

I am so scared that our perfect embryos won't implant and that I will feel like a giant failure. Last time the embryos weren't great so I was able to blame the failure on that. This time, the only thing I will be able to blame failure on is myself. 

I want intense cramps and implantation spotting, but no such luck. Maybe I've had some cramping, but I also have giant swollen ovaries and I've been constipated. Who knows what the heck I'm feeling "down there." I learned the hard way last time that all of the meds I'm taking help to create pregnancy symptoms. 

I found out yesterday that we have 4 frozen totsicles. I'm not sure of the grades although I know that 2 were 4BB. I'm pretty happy about having a backup plan, but I also know that the "best of the best" embryos are in me doing their thing. Hopefully that thing is implanting. Please send me some sanity if you have any extra. 

I had a dream last night where I had to have polyps removed again. I was conscious for the surgery and watched the entire thing on a screen. They thought there was only 1, but there ended up being 4. There was 1 that was really big and the rest were smaller. After the surgery they asked me if I wanted to see them. I looked and it was 4 black cats, 3 of which were tiny and adorable. They were stretching their little paws out to me. What the heck?! 

IVF #2 CD 20 Transfer Info and 1dp5dt

I didn't update at all yesterday about the transfer. But, it went fantastic! We really couldn't have asked for any better. 

When we arrived at the clinic I took my Valium as instructed. We were called back shortly after which made me nervous since I wasn't feeling it at all. They brought us into the newly expanded part of the clinic. It was absolutely beautiful. We walked past the embryology lab which was fish-bowl style. There were lots of people working away.

When they brought us into the room it felt more like a spa room than a transfer room. Super comfortable bed, no stirrups, low lighting, music, and calming colors. The nurse came in and explained everything that was going to happen. She asked if I had a preference for the doctor and I said I didn't care. She had a print out of our embryos and she started counting. Where did she stop? 17!! Of course not all of them were at the same stage, but all were still going, which completely shocked and amazed both W and me. 

Then the doctor came in. It was the same one who did my retrieval and I really liked him. W actually remarked when he first came into the room to explain the retrieval procedure my heart rate dropped dramatically by the time he left. 

Dr. Greene told me we had 4 blastocysts and that he recommended transferring 1 or 2. He said he would need a lot of coaxing for 3 since the quality was so good. We talked about the odds. Transferring 2 meant greater odds for twins, but it also upped the success rate from transferring 1. Transferring 3 made the triplet rate a little scary for both of us and didn't change the overall success rate.  

He showed me the best blastocysts and I then asked about the grading. He opened a door which led directly to the embryology lab and called the embryologist in. She told me of the 4 we had, 2 were 4AA and 2 were 4BB. There were a bunch more that were close and they were going to monitor them to see whether they turned to blast. Her recommendation was to transfer the 2 4AA's and freeze the 4BB's. Done deal.

Dr. Greene first did a trial transfer and then the actual transfer. When he was doing the trial transfer he turned the screen towards me and moved the catheter so I could see what I was looking at. He then said, "That's me, waving hello." We all laughed awkwardly at that one. 

W was there holding my hand the entire time and it was over quickly. No cramping, no discomfort, totally smooth. Dr. G counted down, "3, 2, 1" when he put them in, but I couldn't see anything different on the screen. I wasn't sure exactly where to look. 

I scooted up the bed and relaxed for the next 20 minutes or so. We got a picture of the ones we transferred and I've been transfixed by them since. Maybe I'm biased, but I can't believe how perfect and beautiful they are. 

After the 20 minutes the nurse returned and said I could get dressed. We walked about 30 seconds down the hall and were at acupuncture. I definitely fell asleep there and felt super relaxed. We went home and spent the rest of the day lounging around and watching comedies. 

Today I went back to work since I've missed so much. It was a light day and I tried not to pick up any of the kids or be too physical with them. When I woke up this morning I felt really anxious, but was able to listen to Circle + Bloom, and that really helped. 

Unfortunately, W texted me around 11 saying the stomach bug had hit him. This evening was spent laying low and relaxing again. I feel terrible that he got it too since it's no fun. I hope he feels better soon. 

Tomorrow I have acupuncture scheduled for 3:30. We bought tickets to the SU Georgetown game, but I'm not so sure we will be going. It's harder to be distracted and positive when your hubby is so sick. I'm trying my best though. 

I'm thinking positive and grateful thoughts and really hoping this is it. Oh yeah, and here are my amazingly beautiful future babies:

Our 2 4AA blastocysts

Our joke is that the one on the left looks more like me since it's rounder and I have a rounder face and features. Very creatively, it is nicknamed "round". The one of the right looks more like W since he has a more narrow face and more pointy feature. That one is called "pointy". So hopefully "round" and "pointy" are getting comfy cozy as I type. 

IVF #2 CD 19 Transfer Time

My transfer is scheduled for this morning at 9:15. I have an acupuncture appointment immediately following which I am really looking forward to. 

What I'm looking forward to the most? Valium. I love that stuff!

I went with the attitude that, "no news is good news" on Saturday when I knew the clinic would be checking my embryos. I didn't call them and they didn't call me. And I'm OK with that. I didn't want to spend the weekend worrying about things. And it worked well.  

I am looking forward to finding out what we have to transfer today. I am super excited and nervous all at the same time. 

IVF #2 CD 15 Fertilization Report and Sick as a Dog

I worked on Tuesday. One little guy I see for therapy had a mom with the stomach bug. Instead of canceling, I saw him at his grandma's house instead since he was feeling fine. That night I saw on Facebook that he came down with it as did his Dad. I was a bit fearful but figured I had washed my hands and hadn't been too hands-on with him during our session. Well, no such luck. Last night around 1:30 I woke up extremely nauseous. I had weighed myself before bed like the instructions from my clinic said to do. 

From 1:30 until at least 4:30 I was up every half hour vomiting. The diarrhea joined in about mid-way through the night (sorry if TMI). I was a wreck. I couldn't keep down a sip of water. This morning I weighed myself and I was down 6 pounds! Since I wasn't having any symptoms of OHSS I contribute it to the stomach bug. So far today I haven't thrown up at all, but all I've managed to consume is half a bottle of Gatorade. Not really the hydration I was hoping for. 

We got the call this morning about fertilization. Of the 28 eggs retrieved they were able to ISCI 21 of them. Of those 21, 17 fertilized. We are scheduled for a 5 day transfer on Monday morning at 9:15. 

Other than feeling like death from the stomach bug, I've been OK. Maybe the sickness masked any of feelings of discomfort from the retrieval. W stayed home and took care of me today and I really hope he doesn't come down with the same thing. Seriously horrible!

I'm not sure if it's the Dexamethasone or what, but since starting it I came down with a cold and a stomach bug. Usually I'm able to fight off the germs I am exposed to at work. I'm just hoping I start to feel better soon and actually want to eat. 

I don't think we will hear anything else about our embryos until Saturday so until then I am just focusing on feeling better and maybe even getting out of bed some time today. It has not been the most fun 24 hours!

IVF #2 CD 14 Retrieval (Go Big or Go Home)

Retrieval was this morning at 9:30. We got there around 9:00 and waited for quite a while to be taken back. I got changed into my gown (which was HUGE) and then the nurse brought me a heated blanket to cover my exposed cheeks. I got situated in the room and then the nurse tried to start the IV. She first tried my left arm and it didn't go well. The needle went in but the IV fluids weren't going in very fast. She fumbled with the needle while it was in my vein for what felt like forever and it was bleeding a lot. She eventually just gave up and went to the right arm. That went fine. I'm sure my veins aren't going to be too pretty tomorrow. 

The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, they hooked me up to a bunch of monitors and then the RE came in. It's not my RE, but I've only ever met mine once so it didn't really matter to me. This guy was super nice and friendly. He then said he knew I had been watching the ultrasounds and had an idea of how many follicles there were. He told me to keep a number in my head of how many eggs I was hoping would get retrieved. He then said he would try to beat it and that he does 90% of the time. The number I picked? 15. 

W was able to stay in the room and watch the procedure. He has recounted it to me and I'm kinda jealous I was the one knocked out. I was out so quickly once those meds hit it wasn't even funny. I vaguely remember them having me move down and then getting my legs strapped in. 

When I woke up I was SUPER crampy and uncomfortable. W came in the room a few minutes later from doing his part. Within about 5 minutes the embryologist came back to give me the number. 28!!! I am so happy with this but am definitely feeling the difference between retrieving 11 and retrieving 28. 

I feel like I was hit by a bus. A short bus, but still. The bloating in my belly seems to have gone down quite a bit which is good. I was given lots of instructions about OHSS but am hoping I don't need them. I started Destonex yesterday which is supposed to help and am feeling fine other than the cramping and general discomfort. I'm not so sure about working tomorrow since bending and reaching are not fun activities. I sit on the floor with little kids and have to be animated and excited. Not sure I'm up to that but I will see how I feel in the morning. 

All in all, I am really happy about the number of eggs retrieved. Everything went really well and I can't lie, W has been amazing. He will get me anything I want/need and he cleaned the entire house in the past few days. I couldn't ask for anything more. I hope we have some great mature eggs in the mix. I get a fertilization report tomorrow. 

IVF #2 CD 12 Trigger and Roller Coaster Emotions

The good news is my coasting and using Cetrotide seemed to work. My estradiol levels was much lower today and I was given the green light to trigger. I am so glad we are in the final stretch. 

We spent the weekend relaxing and I started to calm down about OHSS. When I didn't move on the couch, I felt great. When I got moving around I was really full and uncomfortable. By Sunday night some of the fullness had resided and I was confident things were looking up. 

This morning's appointment went fine. The NP really scared the crap out of me about OHSS and said if I were a "risk taker" she would suggest I continue with the trigger. If I were "more conservative" it might be best to withhold the trigger and cancel. She said most people do take the risk and continue with the trigger. The morning went by slowly as I waited to hear. 

My follicles had continued great growth. I had 2x13 mm, 3x14 mm,  2x15 mm, 1x16 mm, 2x17 mm, 4x18 mm, 3x19 mm, 1x20 mm, and 1x24 mm. Estradiol was 1215. 

So then I spent the afternoon worrying that it dropped too low. When the nurse called and told me the levels and that I should trigger I asked whether it was a problem they dropped so much. She said "that's what we wanted." When I asked whether I should do any more Gonal-F she said no. 

I also got a prescription for Dostonex to help prevent OHSS. I start that tonight with the trigger. They will also put me on Lovenox which doesn't start until after the retrieval. 

How can one go from fear of too high of numbers to too low of numbers in 2 days? I think the most important thing is that the follicles had continued growth and still look good.  I consulted Dr. Google and found this: 

"If you started cetrotide just before the estradiol drop it may simply be due to this; cetrotide and ganirelix will artificially lower your estradiol level and doesnt actually have any clinical relevance. (In other words the estradiol level becomes unreliable as a gauge of follicle size or growth when one uses cetrotide or ganirlelix). In such antagonist cycles you must go by the follicle sizes and their development in order to know when the stim is adequate, and most importantly, when to trigger with hCG."

So trigger is tonight at 9:30 and I go in for retrieval at 9:00 on Wednesday. I am so ready for retrieval it's not even funny. Man, IVF is such a ridiculous roller coaster!

IVF #2 CD 10 Scared and Coasting

I had another appointment this morning at 9:15. When she started the ultrasound the NP commented on how big my ovaries were. On the right side she just kept clicking and clicking, measuring away. The left side didn't take as long, but there was still a lot of measuring. 

From what I can tell there are 10 measurable follicles on the left: 1x10 mm, 1x11 mm, 3x12 mm, 2x13 mm,  2x 14 mm, and 1x15 mm. On the right there are 10 as well: 1x10 mm, 1x11 mm, 2x12 mm, 1x13 mm, 3x14 mm, 2x15 mm. To be honest, on the database this isn't any more room than for 10 on each side. There may be more but I'm not sure. 

The NP had to call my RE to get his opinion on what to do. I am not to take any more Gonal-F or Menopur. Only Lupron and tomorrow night I take the dose of Cetrotide that they gave me. W has been joking that the 900 pen of Gonal-F that were purchased is going to be our golden ticket. 

Now on to the scary part. My estradiol increased to 7672. Cue Liz freaking out. I go back Monday morning and am hoping my levels decrease some and that I am able to trigger. 

I'm trying to up my protein and electrolyte intake already and plan to continue (thank you awesome commenters for your advice). I had to switch to Vitamin Water because the Gatorade was just too sugary. 

I've definitely got a cold now. Stuffed up nose and head, sore throat, and slight cough. It isn't helping me to feel better about everything. I love immunosuppressant drugs. 

I took a nice long nap this afternoon and am trying to take it easy but I'm scared. I can't believe how high my estrogen is. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that we may not be transferring our embryos this cycle. I need to do what is best for my health and safety and I realize that may be it. I'm just hoping for some good eggs and embryos to freeze if necessary. 

IVF #2 CD 9 Freaked Out

I had another ultrasound and more blood taken today. The appointment was at 6:45 and W joined me. It was so nice to have him there and to drive. To be honest, I felt horrible when I woke up. I started Dexamethasone yesterday and think this was part of it. 

I had gotten up last night around 3:30 or 4 to pee and had a really hard time falling back asleep. When I did I had horrible dreams. I was super late for my appointment in my dream and started off by getting a ride from my Mom in a crappy car. Then I was driving a rental van with a bunch of people and got stuck in really bad traffic. Then I was running and happened to be running more or less in circles. I woke up feeling incredibly nauseous and anxious. I really thought I was going to throw up but ended up being ok. W drove this morning so I was able to listen to music and recline in the seat. 

I had a much better dream the other night that I was riding my dog all around town. I had to hold on to her collar, but she was definitely larger than life in the dream. I also dreamt that I was pushing an empty baby stroller. 

I've been feeling really full and uncomfortable. Lots of action down there for sure. Today I really started feeling nauseous and my appetite wasn't very good. I've also started getting a bit of a sore throat and feel like I might be getting sick. A lot of the kids I work with are sick right now, but I'm hoping for the best. 

My blood pressure was a little better today because I had a nurse I like a bit more. When the RN did the ultrasound she commented on how many follicles there were but how it was a "great IVF cycle" since I had so many follicles so close in size. Her first reaction was "Oh, wow!" When I told her what my estradiol was on Wednesday, she said to expect a call with a change in instructions this afternoon. I left feeling really optimistic and positive about everything. 

On the left side they measured 8 follicles. 2x9 mm, 3x10 mm, and 3x12 mm. On the right they measured 9 follicles. 2x9 mm, 2x10 mm, 2x11 mm, 1x12 mm, and 2x13 mm. 

Then I got the call around 12:30. Yeah, my estradiol is 5006. Holy $#!*. I was told to take a much smaller dose on Gonal-F tonight (37.5 instead of 150) and to skip the Menopur. They want to see me again tomorrow and were talking about giving me something else (Cetrotide?) to help reduce to estrogen levels. 

I'm totally freaked out and worried about OHSS. I know there are more follicles they haven't measured and my estrogen is scary high. It jumped from 1710 to 5006 in two days. I'm scared. I'm really hoping it goes down a bit and that were are able to do a fresh transfer. 

Hoping for better news tomorrow. 

IVF #2 CD 7 Another Day, Another Co-Pay

I had an appointment this morning. My blood pressure and pulse continue to be a concern for me at the office as they are both rising each time. Just to be sure I mentioned it to the NP and later took my BP two different times during the day at a local pharmacy. Normal both times. My fight or flight reaction is in high gear when I go for my appointments, but I can't seem to control it. At least I know it's only there. 

The NP was able to measure seven follicles on each ovary.  On the left I had 1x11 mm, 3x10 mm, and 3x8 mm. On the right I had 3x11 mm and 4x9 mm.

The NP doing the scan mentioned that they hadn't changed much since Monday. This got me worried and I checked online every half hour or so until my estradiol was posted. I was worried it wasn't going to go up enough, but it was 1710. After 6 days on stims. I stay on the same dosage of everything and go back Friday. 

The headaches are mostly gone but this afternoon my stomach was upset. I went and had acupuncture yesterday for the first time and was able to take a nice nap. I haven't found the Circle + Bloom to be as helpful this time around as I can't seem to stay focused on it. My mind wanders a lot despite my best efforts.  

I guess I would rather be reading my Kindle. I am SO CLOSE to finishing The Help and it is great! 

Today was the first time we have paid for Gonal-F. I got an initial allotment from the Compassionate Care program and was able to coast on those for a while. Last cycle I had some donated. Today? I shelled out $911.00 for 1 Gonal-F 900 pen and the trigger shot. Ouch!! I guess I'm getting off pretty lucky though. My bank account doesn't agree.