There are so many things we struggle with when faced with infertility. The thing I have struggled most with is finding balance. Typically this is not something I have trouble with. I have always considered myself a pretty balanced person. That is, until I had trouble making a baby.
This past month I have found myself in a very different place then I've been for the past year. At first I was disappointed and angry I couldn't do another cycle right away. Then I found peace. Well, I haven't mastered this yet but I'm really working on it.
Switching clinics was a great thing. I am glad I did it. But it added an extra thing to obsess over... an online database where I could find all of my information from each appointment. At my first clinic I had to specifically ask and felt like I was bothering them to get this information. Now, I easily log on to find updated E2 levels, numbers of follicles, etc.
I've made some realizations. I've realized I obsess far too much over each cycle. The numbers in particular. Throughout this journey I have been bombarded with numbers. Numbers that I read far too much into. Numbers that determined my happiness. Estradiol levels, progesterone levels, LH levels, dosage amounts, follicle numbers and sizes, HCG levels, TSH levels, numbers of eggs, number of fertilized eggs, number of embryos of day 3/5, grades of embryos, and the list continues. What I've come to realize is that these numbers don't matter. What matters is whether I get pregnant or not, and nothing else. None of these numbers lead to success or failure, they are just added things to stress over.
I've blogged about this SO many times. Talked about how I gave up control. But honestly, I never did. I'm accepting my obsessive nature and trying to change that.
It's easy for me to say these things now since I'm not doing a cycle. I'm not getting any numbers to plug into google. But I am really trying to stay more grounded, obsess less, and leave things up to chance/luck/my RE/anything else you want to add.
The balance part comes in knowledge. Knowledge is power and we are always our best advocates. I enjoy learning and have become empowered with my knowledge. When and how do you draw the line between being a knowledgeable advocate for yourself and obsessing too much?