There are so many things we struggle with when faced with infertility. The thing I have struggled most with is finding balance. Typically this is not something I have trouble with. I have always considered myself a pretty balanced person. That is, until I had trouble making a baby.
This past month I have found myself in a very different place then I've been for the past year. At first I was disappointed and angry I couldn't do another cycle right away. Then I found peace. Well, I haven't mastered this yet but I'm really working on it.
Switching clinics was a great thing. I am glad I did it. But it added an extra thing to obsess over... an online database where I could find all of my information from each appointment. At my first clinic I had to specifically ask and felt like I was bothering them to get this information. Now, I easily log on to find updated E2 levels, numbers of follicles, etc.
I've made some realizations. I've realized I obsess far too much over each cycle. The numbers in particular. Throughout this journey I have been bombarded with numbers. Numbers that I read far too much into. Numbers that determined my happiness. Estradiol levels, progesterone levels, LH levels, dosage amounts, follicle numbers and sizes, HCG levels, TSH levels, numbers of eggs, number of fertilized eggs, number of embryos of day 3/5, grades of embryos, and the list continues. What I've come to realize is that these numbers don't matter. What matters is whether I get pregnant or not, and nothing else. None of these numbers lead to success or failure, they are just added things to stress over.
I've blogged about this SO many times. Talked about how I gave up control. But honestly, I never did. I'm accepting my obsessive nature and trying to change that.
It's easy for me to say these things now since I'm not doing a cycle. I'm not getting any numbers to plug into google. But I am really trying to stay more grounded, obsess less, and leave things up to chance/luck/my RE/anything else you want to add.
The balance part comes in knowledge. Knowledge is power and we are always our best advocates. I enjoy learning and have become empowered with my knowledge. When and how do you draw the line between being a knowledgeable advocate for yourself and obsessing too much?
In our second fresh cycle I did my best to step back a little. Though I typically was given my numbers, I allowed myself to just hope everything was going well. I knew generally what was going on, but I tried to stay away from google and obsess less. I can honestly say it was a MUCH easier/different experience than the first cycle. I think a big portion of it is trusting your doctor- if that trust is there, I think letting go is a lot easier.
ReplyDeleteOhhh I hear ya about the numbers thing. I used to check the online thing constantly and half the time I didn't understand it! I was obsessing over stuff I had no control over. Your right, the only number that matters is the hcg in the end. Its so hard not to obsess when we've spent so long OBSESSING :) Let me know when you think you might be back in town!
ReplyDeleteI was without my computer for 6 days while on vacation in early June. It made me realize that if I didn't "check in" on the fertility forums, read other's blogs, etc. everything would still go on. It was nice to sit back and not think about TTC all day long for once! But, I, like you, like to know "the numbers" and my clinic just started offering the whole online thing for labs, etc. It makes me feel more at ease knowing everything instead of just sort of knowing what might be happening. So, for me, knowledge is power :)
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to let go! I too keep telling myself I won't obsess over ever little thing but it's hard. For me obsessing about one thing has just been replaced by another. I'm on the other side of my journey. First it was my cycles I obsessed about- doses and hormone levels, then it was beta numbers, then it was ultrasounds and terror we'd lose a baby. When they were born, it became about feeding volumes, grams gained. I do think the whole experience has left me in a place where "just letting go" continues to be difficult. I hope you are able to find your own balance.
ReplyDeleteIts so hard not to obsess and google...I can't even imagine if I had all the information at my fingertips from my RE's office. Hopefully it will be a great break for you and you will be refreshed to start again.
ReplyDeleteHello from ICLW! Boy do I think most of us can relate to your words, in one way or another. Best of luck in all arenas!
ReplyDeleteI think when we "give up control" it's in little ways and moments. And for those of us who like to be in control of everything, those moments are victories (and progress!). It's hard not to focus (perhaps obsessively so) about ttc. It seems to take over... Here's to a new start. In this moment at least ;)
ReplyDeleteStopping by from ICLW! Good luck! Wishing you the best!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this post. I am utterly obsessed about knowing exactly what is going on with my body at all times. I am constantly saying to myself, I need to relax and step away. I stopped with one forum and facebook, only to pick up blogging and another forum. I wish I could tell the line between knowledge and obsessing, I think I am still working on figuring out where to draw the line. I keep saying to myself, once I have a baby everything will be ok and I can drop all of this, but I just can't seem to have the baby. Sigh. If you figure things out please let me know what you did! I would love the advice.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from ICLW and wanted to say that I could really relate to this post. It's so easy to get caught up in the numbers. But it's definitely a control illusion sort of thing for me. It's always been hard to admit I have no control over this whole IF bit!
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