Strength

Sometimes when I don't update for a while, I don't even know where to start. I lot has happened, but nothing all that exciting. I started Prometrium (progesterone) on Monday and today will be day 3/7. I also did a HPT yesterday at 10 DPO and it was negative. It's amazing how the first week of the 2WW is all positivity and hopes, and the second week brings you back down to reality. Let's be honest, of the 5 eggs that were allowed to fertilize naturally during my IVF cycle (with exceptional sperm) only 1 did. The chances of me ovulating from the right side and that egg being fertilized? Not so great

Creepy Prometrium pills

I have been feeling really anxious about my upcoming FET cycle. There are so many unknowns at this point. When will I get my period? Will we be able to do the transfer this month? Will the transfer be around Thanksgiving? Will Dr. S decided to put me on Lupron and make this process even longer than it has been? Will I have fluid again? Will the estrogen lead to polyps again? I just wish I had my crystal ball. How does one not feel anxious after 5 months (retrieval was in July)? 

Last spring I decided I wanted to expand myself professionally. I work as a speech pathologist in early intervention. Typically children don't come to me until there are a little under 2 and not talking. It is rare that I get a child on my caseload who is younger. Since I don't have any babies and there are babies who receive early intervention services, I looked into how I could expand to include younger children. I found out that a lot of children need help with feeding/eating so I went and took a continuing education course on feeding therapy and babies. The course was great and I learned a lot. This was really my first true exposure to feeding and swallowing in pediatrics. 

Well, no feeding cases came along until late this summer a little boy D needed help. They decided to put me on the case after my request and I started seeing him last week. He just turned 1 but presents as an infant. He likely has cerebral palsy and has had numerous seizures. The physical therapist is working on head control with him and he is tiny, so he really looks more like a 2 month old. To be honest, just handling him was different for me. I've never really been around a baby like that. 

I went to his daycare provider's house this week. I observed her feeding him and talked to her. I asked a lot of questions and tried feeding him. I probably didn't come across as the most confident person on the matter since this was my first real exposure outside of the classroom.

The next day the parents called and asked for a different provider with more experience. It's true, I'm trying to get the experience and I don't really have much. I look super young (probably under 20) and I guess I just rubbed the daycare provider the wrong way. 

This lead to me being pulled from another feeding case I was just assigned. In a way I was relived that I didn't have to face the (possible) rejection again since my confidence was shaken. But, it really didn't make me look good professionally. 

After much thought and some tears I decided to put this on the back burner. I would love to get more babies on my caseload, but I'm not that confident feeding them, especially when they are really involved. 

On my drive home I called W and started crying. I said I feel like I can't do what I really want (have a baby) and if I'm no good at my job, that what am I good at? I could tell he felt really badly for me and tried to reassure me that I am great at other things. And to be honest, I am good at the parts of my job I do regularly. 

Going through infertility has changed me. Deep down, my confidence in myself is diminished. When something happens either personally or professionally I don't handle it well. I've always been a sensitive person and do tend to overreact, but now its to new levels. I allow something stupid to affect me for days, further crushing my self imagine. So my decision for now is to not push the issue with work. I will stick to what I know I can do well and perhaps extend myself again when I am in a better place personally. I am not strong enough to put myself out there personally and professionally at this time. 

I'm starting to realize that people can only take so much. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue on with fertility treatments and my full time job with children. It's hard to stay strong and put a smile on your face every day, and it's even harder when things aren't going well. If there's something positive to come from this, I know I am a stronger person for the things I have been through. Even though I know I will come out of this a stronger person, I'm not exactly in a strong place right now.