Hurdles

Why do the hurdles keep getting higher? Do you know how short my legs are? 

I had SHG #2 today. W was able to make it this time so it was nice to have him there. The procedure itself was uncomfortable, but it didn't take very long. The results....2 polyps. Just great.

So now I have surgical procedure involving anesthesia #4 with Dr. S scheduled. I had Lap #1 last Oct, Lap #2 with bonus D&C in Feb, and my egg retrieval in July.

My surgical hysteroscopy is scheduled for October 5th at noon. I have my pre-op appointment next Wednesday. The procedure itself is supposed to be quick, I just wish it could have been scheduled sooner. 

I can't say I was shocked or surprised about having polyps. At this point I have started to expect the worse, so I had kinda prepped myself to receive the news of polyps. The endometrial biopsy showed traces, so it's no huge surprise. My RE thinks they grew as a result of the high levels of estrogen during my IVF and pseudo-FET cycle. He wasn't able to say whether the poyps and the fluid were related. 

I will stay on the birth control pills until at least October 5th. My biggest question to Dr. S was when will we be able to do the FET after the hysteroscopy? He wasn't able to give me an answer, but said he would discuss it with the panel of doctors this Thursday in order to make the best decision. He said he would call me on Friday and let me know what the consensus is. 

Today was the closest I have come to breaking down in tears in Dr. S's office. Is this FET ever going to happen?

Getting there

Only one week until my next appointment with Dr.S. This is to do sonohysterogram #2. I have very mixed feelings about everything at this point. I have been on birth control pills for almost 5 weeks now, just waiting to get to my next appointment.

Taking a forced break didn't do great things for my mindset. I lost momentum, positivity. I put my vehicle into neutral and didn't move for weeks while the traffic continued around me. 

I wore shorts to work today. When I looked down and saw how hairy my legs were, I knew it had been too long since I had had an ultrasound or appointment. During my IVF cycle in July my legs were shaved so consistently. Nowadays I do it maybe 1x/week. Don't worry, I have shaved since my last appointment : )

I hadn't thought much about my miscarriage lately but there is one reminder. On Facebook my neighbor as a little girl (who is 3 years younger than me) is pregnant and due around the same time I was. Today her status read: "9 months pregnant and baby could come anytime in the next 1-6 weeks! I have started getting some mild cramping on and off everyday... my body is getting ready. I wonder when she will come :)" I really should block her, but I guess I want to torture myself watching her belly grow bigger and bigger.

I had to go to the dentist today. Last Thursday I was snacking on something and then noticed part of my molar had chipped off. I went today and got it all fixed but I think I may dread sitting in the dentists' chair more than reclining in a chair with stirrups. That's a tough one....what about you, what is your preference? Dentist or RE?

Becoming a more patient person

My doc called today while I was in the middle of a therapy session. As soon as my phone rang I excused myself. I felt bad just getting up and leaving for 15 minutes, but there was no way I was missing another call from him. He apologized for not calling back sooner as he was out sick Monday and Tuesday. 

Dr. S talked about the results of the biopsy. He first talked about the proliferative endometrium and said that although it was concerning, but there was nothing we were going to do about it at this time. When I told him I had only been on the progesterone one day he said that it may not have been enough time. I asked about how my progesterone levels got so high during the IVF cycle and he said that is in the blood and that my endometrium may be different. Without doing a biopsy the only thing you can do is measure the blood levels of progesterone and go by what you see on ultrasound. 

He then talked about the traces of the polyp that were found. He was surprised since he had done a sonohysterogram (SHG) in Dec and didn't see anything then. He said that they don't often pop up in a short amount of time and that there is no real reason why this would happen. He said if I had been on estrogen the entire time without exposure to progesterone, that could cause a polyp, but it isn't the case with me. The only thing that could explain why we didn't see anything with the first SHG was because it wasn't done on the high resolution ultrasound machine at their office. He wants to do another SHG on the high resolution machine and see whether we see something. He said it is rare to miss polyps on a SHG because they light right up. If we do find a polyp we will likely do a hysteroscopy. He didn't want to go there immediately because it means surgery and he doesn't want to subject me to unnecessary surgery.  

Doing another SHG means having to schedule with the ultrasound technician and my RE. He said he would try to do it before going out of town next week, but he wasn't sure about scheduling. 

The receptionist called me a few hours later to tell me they won't be able to get me in before Dr. S goes out of town next week. They will have the nurse call me next week to schedule. I was disappointed at first, but at least now we have a plan in place. I am hoping we will be able to schedule it for the Monday when he is back. Until then, I guess I just continue taking BCP's and crossing off the days on the calendar. 

We are looking at the week of the 12th for the HSG. If they find something, who knows when they would do the hysteroscopy. Looks like September is likely out for the FET. The hardest part about that is that my EDD for the miscarriage is September 30th. I really thought I was going to be pregnant again by the time that rolled around. 

Things haven't been easy the past couple of months. W said the other night that he wants a list of all the potential problems we could encounter and once we cross them all off then we know we will get pregnant. It really seems like one roadblock after another and that is something can go wrong it will. I'm starting to become more patient and understanding with this. There is really nothing I can do about it, and feeling badly about it all the time doesn't help. I'm tying to distract myself and focus on other things, but it is hard. 

I made a realization about friends lately as well. If we find a nice couple to hang out with (usually they are married), they are either pregnant or they already have a baby. As much as I like them, it is hard to spend tons of time gushing about their babies. There is no "safe" couple to spend time with these days. That means I am hanging out with younger people who are more at the partying stage of their lives. This isn't a great influence on being healthy and making good decisions. I feel like I just can't relate to any friends right now. 

A few months ago I made an appointment with the other RE in the area. I am happy with the care I receive with Dr. S. I am happy he knows who I am and takes the time to call me personally and talk for 45 minutes if needed. I am happy with the treatment as well as decisions made to this point, but at times I do feel like Dr. S is overly conservative about things. I'm not really displeased in any major way, but the price is a huge consideration. The other RE (Dr.K) has package deals, and they have one package deal I am considering. I have an appointment scheduled with him coming up in September. I never thought it would get here so quickly and I had previously hoped I wouldn't need it when I made it in June. Now I am faced with canceling the appointment and sticking with Dr. S for now until we at least complete an IVF cycle, or seeing the other doc and finding out what he has to say. I feel like my case has been so complicated it will be hard for the new doc to follow it all. Also, I have to get my file to the new doc and that means notifying my current office and making them think I'm not happy with the care I receive. Is there really any point in seeing another doc if we can't even get out of the starting blocks with my current doc?

Any advice?