Friday, March 25, 2016

Marriage

This week my sister informed me that her marriage is over, she plans to leave. When she first told me the news I was so caught off guard and scared by her tone and seriousness. I went back to W that night and told him how she really sounded like she meant it and how it scared me. 

Since we speak pretty much daily the next few days gave me the opportunity to ask and find out more details. 

According to her it's been "really bad for a really long time."  I knew he didn't help much around the house or with their son. That he was ungrateful for everything she does to keep their household afloat. Every winter while he's at home on seasonal unemployment playing video games and smoking pot, my sister is busting her butt, working two jobs and dropping Benny off at daycare. She put up with a lot of crap for a long time. Apparently they had a big blow out fight about it all and my BiL asked her if she even still wanted to be married. That's when she told him no. 

But it all makes me so sad to think about. My parents split up when I was 7 and my sister was 9. I remember those following years like they were a deep black hole for my family. My mom cried a lot, was very depressed, and it affected us all so much. When she started dating and put that before us and her family, it once again affected us. Maybe it's that my dad left and my mom didn't see if coming, but it was so hard for her and our family. 

I hate to think of my sister feeling like that and going through something like it. If it were just her it'd be one thing, but my three year old nephew is about to be along for the ride. Breaks ups are really hard, I can't imagine breaking up when married with a child. 

All week any time I thought about it I'd get super upset. I would cry thinking about being a spectator during the process. Having to watch their marriage and family unravel. Knowing Benny will be experiencing it all with them and that he will also grow up in a broken home with broken parents.  

Today I talked to my sister and through tears I told her my fears. My fears for her and my nephew. How even though I'm not a huge fan of my BiL, how I'm still feeling terrible for him and waiting to hear about his self destruction and decline. 

It's all so sad. I wish they had tried harder to work on things sooner. That my sister had stood up to him years ago and put her foot down. That they could work together rather than give up. 

My sister said she wants to move out within the next month. That she can't take being around him and constantly being guilted by him. That maybe they could work on things, just not in their current living situation. 

I'm really so sad about all of it. I hate to think of my sister going through a divorce, especially knowing how hard it was on my mom and family as a child. Please keep my sister in your thoughts and send her strength during this time. I know she'll need it. 

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're sad. It's always a shock to find out that the marriage of someone close to you is breaking up.

    I know divorce is hard -- like your parents, ours divorced when I was 9 and my sister was 7 -- but it's also hard to be in marriage where you feel burdened and unappreciated. So your sister may actually end up better off when the dust settles. My sister and I were certainly happier after my parents' divorce because they fought a lot when they were together, and that was pretty scary for us.

    As for your nephew, yes, the transitions involved in a divorce can be hard on children. . . but I do believe that a big part of how kids handle it is how the parents handle it. So if he sees your sister happier and doing well, and he still has a relationship with his father, he will likely be fine.

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  2. Every divorce is sad and stressful esp if there are children involved. At the same time, it really takes a lot of strength and nerves to tolerate things and keep a household literally alone. In cases like that, it's better to be alone because it would destroy her eventually and Ben would be witnessing their fights. At least this way, I hope, there will ve peace. If your bil has no will to change and share the responsibilities, it's better to live separately. Maybe then he will realise how it is to cook and clean by yourself plus working outside. I do hope they will work things out, but some people are just selfish and egocentric.

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  3. Divorce is really hard, but sometimes it's the right choice. Praying for strength and peace for your sister and her child.

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