Sunday, December 9, 2012

Moving Forward

Estsy: MeganMatsuoka

Maybe it's because we invested so much more into this cycle, but this negative has been one of the hardest hits in a long time. W and I are definitely still really sad about it. There are times each day where I find my eyes welling up with tears thinking about it. We're taking care of ourselves and allowing ourselves to be sad. 

I have exchanged a bunch of emails with Dr. Br.averman since Friday. He generally responds quickly, but I can tell isn't comfortable answering all of my questions. I understand that. I really should sit down with him and pay him for his time. I just needed some immediate answers to feel better. 

When I asked what the biggest factors are in determining FET success he said, "I looked over your records. I think your treatment for the HLA issues is complete. We need to look at both embryo quality and other issues such as your uterine lining at the time of the transfer." When I explained to him that my lining was almost 9 mm a week before the transfer and that I've done both a sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy recently, all signs pointed to our embryos.

His words: "I agree, most likely a quality issue." I don't find that hard to believe since we have transferred a lot of embryos without success. What frustrates me the most is that we don't have an answer to why our embryos aren't great quality. The last time I met with my local RE he told me my eggs look fine and the sperm is great. The first clinic we went to for only one IVF cycle told me the outer shell of my embryos was hard to penetrate. When we did ICSI on half and allowed the other half to fertilize naturally, only one fertilized naturally. They also triggered me too soon so I'm not sure if my eggs were immature and that was part of it. The clinic I currently go to where we have done three cycles is the one that told me my eggs look fine.

 Our embyros also get decent grades each time and we always have some left to freeze. They make it to day five and we've gotten really high graded embryos in the past. Those were the ones that resulted in chemical pregnancies. 

We've only ever had success with fresh transfers. I'm not sure if it's the lab, vitrification process, or our embyros that result in no implantation with frozen cycles. 

I know this is a bit of a moot point, but my HCG came back at 0.8. In the past with each negative HCG it measured <0.5. I've gotten that result at least five times between baseline appointments and negative cycles. I'm wondering if this slight elevation means a little something did happen. I wish I had tested earlier. Not that it matters though. When I test before the beta I wish I hadn't. When I don't test I wish I did. The grass is always greener. 

The morning after our negative result W hugged me as I cried and said I didn't think it would ever work for us. I thought it was time to move forward with adoption. We talked about how we knew we could love any baby but how it's hard to mourn the loss of our own. I wasn't sure how much more heartbreak I could take. We've talked about adoption a lot in the past. Originally we had talked about having two children and then adopting one. My mom, dad, brother, brother in law, and two of my cousins are all adopted. It's something we're totally comfortable with. 

I looked online and called around a bit on Friday and found a local-ish agency that happens to have an orientation this coming Tuesday night. W and I are planning to attend despite the drive. I've also signed up to receive registration packets from a few other agencies. It's incredibly overwhelming knowing which agency to pick so that's why I've requested information from a few. I think we will start moving forward with adoption. I'm looking forward to learning more on Tuesday night. For those who have adopted, how did you choose an agency?

When I first emailed Dr. B and discussed my frustration with the process he said, "You certainly have to try one more time with treatment to be sure that this won't work." Enter doubt. When we talked about it we realized we didn't give Dr. B a full chance. We used our own clinic and had him make the decisions. When we first met with him he told us that he can't control the lab or speak for the lab at our particular clinic. That may be part of the equation. I'm not putting everything on that but it's certainly something to think about. We went through the process of getting all of the blood work done with him and we found out some new information. From there, we've haven't given it much of a shot. It's just so hard to continue doing treatments with the stress of the costs and emotional tolls it all takes. I know we don't have to do another cycle just because Dr. B recommends it but I never want to look back and feel like we should have tried harder. 

When I called Dr. B's office last week to try to book a follow-up/WTF appointment I was told there's nothing available until the second week in January. I emailed him and told him this and he said he'll get me an appointment sooner. 

So, I'll wait to hear when I can follow-up with Dr. B. I have a list of questions started and we'll determine then whether we are going to do another cycle. There is no huge rush to use our frozen embryos, they're not going anywhere. We will attend the orientation on Tuesday and find out more about adoption. I may call and talk with the embryologist at our local clinic and try to find out more information regarding our embryos, my eggs, and W's swimmers. It will help to be armed with that information going into the appointment with Dr. B.  

We're still picking up the pieces and feeling really sad about this most recent cycle. We are taking time to mourn this loss and trying to determine whether we want to continue with treatments or not. Either way, I know we are going to be parents, and awesome parents at that. Our child (wherever he or she is) is so wanted.


  1. I am encouraged by your positive outlook. Right now I am feeling the stress of our 2ww and trying to keep myself nuetral enough to be able to handle bad news.

    My heart hurts for you, but as you said, I KNOW you WILL be awesome parents!

  2. Sounds like you are looking into all of your options, and that is good. You are doing everything possible, so just have faith that you've explored everything. Maybe adoption is how you will have your first baby rather than the other way around. Maybe a bio one will come along later. I still think dr. B sounds amazing, and once you sit down and he levels with you, you might want to give him another chance too. I would have to know in my mind that's an ivf was going to be my last time before moving on. Just cause I like closure. :) good luck moving forward with everything! I hope you guys develop a plan that feels right, you will be a great mommy! My goodness that's a lot of adopted family members! Very cool! My hubs is adopted and I always thought it would be cool to repeat that with one of our kids.

  3. I am so sorry about this BFN. So sorry. It sounds like you have some good plans to move forward but I know that doesn't take away the pain from this cycle. Know that you both are in my thoughts.

  4. So much to think through, to feel through. So sorry about this cycle not working :(

    As far as how we choose our agency, we started with looking at what makes for an ethical agency, and then searched localy for that. We're Catholic, so it jsut made sense to start with Catholic Charities. Fortunately, after meeting with them and looking at their policies, etc... it was obvious they conduct themselves ethically.

    I think it's about deciding what's most important to you in an agency (do they do domestic or international, or both, how they do adoptions, whether support of birth parents is expected, open vs. closed, etc...). It's a lot to consider for sure.

    Sending positive thoughts to you as you wade through so much.

  5. One of the hardest things is not having answers.
    Thinking of you.

  6. I second Toni! Not knowing the answers and not knowing which road to take is one of the hardest things.

    The three year mark seems to be a turning point for a lot of people. My husband and I kept moving forward with treatments because we had kick-ass insurance so it made it a more affordable alternative than adoption. By the time we had taken home our twins I had undergone 1 major surgery, had one miscarriage, 4 IVF procedures, and transferred a total of 8 embryos. We did find out that my progesterone levels were dangerously low with each pregnancy, and it is possible that very heavy supplementation made a difference between taking home a baby or not. That last cycle was going to be it for us, but we would probably have done donor sperm IUI at some point.

    I wish that you could get some real answers. But there isn't written anywhere that you can't be moving in two directions at the same time. I wish you answers, courage, and the best of both directions.

  7. Sending love your way. I wish things were different for you. Your babies are waiting for you.

  8. HUGE hugs lady, and best of luck whatever you decide to do moving forward. You are right, you WILL be a parent someday - hopefully sooner rather than later.

    These are two amazing adoptive moms whose blogs I follow if you are looking for some resources (one is a domestic open adoption and one is an int'l adoption)

  9. Hugs Liz. Good luck with these next steps!