Saturday, December 17, 2011

11dp3dt... One Lonely Line

I held out until this morning to test. Had you asked me before the test I would have told you I was 85% sure I was pregnant. Now? Well, I'm not holding onto much hope. I had the thought that maybe it was just a bad dream as I was standing there in the dark looking at that single line. I felt the worst breaking the news to W.

The hardest part is that I had lots of symptoms. I've been pregnant before and know how it feels, so was convinced I was again. 

I wasn't blogging about my symptoms because I didn't want to jinx anything. I guess it wouldn't have mattered. I had cramping on days 3-5 past the transfer. Around 5 days past my boobs got bigger and started to get more sore. On Monday and Tuesday (7-8 days past) my sense of smell picked up drastically and level nausea appeared. To be honest, I've been pretty tired all along since starting the progesterone. Wednesday and Thursday I had some crazy ass dreams. 

I know there's a slim chance it could have still worked, but I'm not really into alluding myself much longer. I felt sad for about 10 minutes but then decided it doesn't do much to dwell on it. 

It felt good to have hope again. That hope remains despite a negative result. I am hopeful that IVF will work for us. I just don't think this was the right time. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I was so positive and peaceful that first week. If the embryos stopped developing it wasn't my fault. Arrggh and Matey just weren't meant to be. 

There's nothing I can do now but look to the future. I am now faced with the decision to stick with Dr. S or switch it up and try Dr. K (aka Dr. Gere). I love Dr. S and feel I get individualized treatment, but I REALLY don't like the nurse that replaced Becky. If you don't know or remember, Becky was the nurse I connected with for over a year and who I found out recently passed away from cancer. I don't think she is easily replaced, but this new person sucks! After the transfer I didn't want to dwell on it, but it my opinion the new nurse fucked up big time. She was really unprofessional and not pleasant, but I will add another post about that. It still makes me upset to think about it. 

I'm going to be OK. Sure, I'm disappointed and I'm not thrilled about the outcome but I still have hope. And to be honest, that feels good. 

It won't be official until Tuesday when I have my beta, but I'm pretty sure we know the outcome. Better luck next time.  


  1. Ugh, Im sorry :( I know it's a slim chance, but it's not over till it's over! I hope a miracle happens in the next few days for you. But if not, I'm glad you have such a positive and hopeful outlook for the next try! :) xo

  2. I'm so sorry :( Hugs to you today

  3. Ugh, this is not the post I was hoping you'd get to write this morning. I hope you just had a late implantation and will still get good beta news. I'm glad you're feeling an overall sense of hope though!

  4. Just hang on a little longer. I'm sure there is still a chance! I am however amazed at your hope and outlook on this. I don't know if I would be in the same place. You are a strong woman.

    Thinking of you.

  5. Also sorry. It sounds like you're in a good place though and are still feeling positive--which is awesome. Sending hugs your way today.

  6. Hey, I am so sorry. I really hope we get an amazing surprise come Tuesday.

    Big, big hugs...

  7. I'm sorry. I love your hopeful attitude- I'm going to remain hopeful for you until after you hear the news on tuesday!