It Was All SO Good!

I always think of Christmas as one of our lowest points with infertility. Christmas is the time when everyone celebrates their families. It's the time of year when it's very lonely for those who don't have kids. Four years ago we celebrated our hardest Christmas ever. We had just failed another cycle (our first cycle with Braverman) and hope was all but lost. We had tried his immune treatments and still didn't have success. About a week before that Christmas we attended our first adoption orientation and started to look in that direction. On Christmas Eve, Walt's cousin announced she was pregnant after they had just gotten married in June. It was hard. We barely made it through and I distinctly remember throwing up in the driveway after Christmas dinner and too many drinks.

This year couldn't have felt any different. We did so many fun and festive things as a family this Christmas season. We went to Lights on the Lake and the girls loved driving through the light tunnels and seeing the princesses. We cut down our Christmas tree as a family and enjoyed the hot chocolate and popcorn they had to offer for free after. We hung ornaments and lights on our tree together and listened to Christmas music. We got the girls their own little Christmas trees for their bedroom that they decorated with lights and ornaments. We made a whole bunch of handprint cards and went to a nursing home to hand them out and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. We had a book advent calendar and opened a Christmas book every day to read. We made a few batches of Christmas cookies and enjoyed them immensely. We attended the Mom's of Multiples Christmas party and built a snowman. We saw Santa and had very mixed results. We went sledding for the first time as W had a few days off before Christmas and the girls LOVED it! We also got to go to Lucy and Clara's preschool for a Christmas tea and to see them sing holiday songs. In addition, we attended a Christmas Eve church service and had dinner with W's parents for Christmas Eve. Boody Mary's, my in laws, and pajamas at home on Christmas morning. It was all so good!!

Our Christmas card

Our snowman we built

Christmas pajamas

Our book advent calendar before I wrapped them all. 

We got a fireplace this year too! I loved decorating it. 

MMM Christmas party

Library fun 

Our Christmas tree!

Where we get our tree

Hot chocolate after tree hunting

Santa cookies!

Decorating our tree

Post bath crazy Santa 

decorating the tree at pop pop and Grandma Becky's house 

Baking cookies with grandma becky and pop pop 

After singing Christmas songs at preschool 

My girls

Sledding with Daddy. So much fun!!

Ready for swim lessons

Close encounter!

Christmas Eve church service 

Christmas Eve Dinner 

Reading The Night Before Christmas

Daddy's last day off so we went for carousel rides. 

This holiday season I can't forget how lucky I am to have everything we have. I have THREE beautiful girls that make life feel so full. They fill my days with laughter and joy as well as frustration from time to time. I have an amazing husband who works hard every day and a job he loves to provide for our family. He is such an amazing hands on daddy to our girls and we're all so lucky to have him.

I just feel so lucky and blessed to be where we are now. I know how lucky we are because I've seen the other side of that. I've felt heartbreak as we waited for our turn to be parents. We were so close to giving up.

"When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time." I'm beyond grateful I emailed Dr. Braverman when it felt like all hope was lost and he told me I had to give it one more try after that unsuccessful December cycle. He told me I had to try at least one more time in order to know if the treatment was successful or not. When all hope felt lost I had a glimmer of hope in his reply. That glimmer turned into an IVF cycle at his clinic the following month. That next month I got pregnant with twins after the hardest Christmas ever. One month and a little hope was all it took to change our fate beyond belief.

Everything

Last night we brought the girls trick or treating in our neighborhood. W pulled them in a wagon while I wore Stella. As I watched my girls faces light up with excitement at the second or third house I turned to W and said, "if you told us four years ago we'd be doing this with three kids, we never would have believed it." I felt so lucky in that moment that I was enjoying this holiday with my beautiful little girls. I seriously feel like the luckiest person in the world most days!

We all had so much fun. It's so exciting to think that it'll be even more fun next year when Stella can join in. 

These are the moments I dreamt of when I was doing injections in public bathrooms or crying over another failed cycle or chemical pregnancy. I'm so grateful to be on the other side with my children, but I can't forget to look back and remember everything we went through to get here. Every appointment, ultrasound, injection, and tear feels 100% worth it. These girls are my everything!

Overwhelmed

Last weekend we traveled to Albany to see my sister, dad, and other family. We left Saturday morning and stayed until after dinner on Sunday night. To say the trip was stressful is an understatement. The girls were great in the car, but Clara woke up with a fever and runny nose on Sunday morning. She was super cranky and the pacis made more of an appearance than normal. 

We stayed with my sister. While the sleeping arrangements were better this time, it was still extremely difficult to stay there. My sister and BiL heat their house with a wood stove. They keep it at least 85 degrees all the time. The space is small and cluttered and they don't pick up after themselves. The TV is constantly on (in fact 2 TV's are constantly on right next to each other). My nephew who is 2 years old isn't on any kind of schedule or routine and it was hard to watch. I didn't see them sit down with him for any meals minus the one we went out for. He really only sat for a minute or two and then ran around the restaurant the rest of the time. Otherwise, he grazed on candy and junk food, didn't take any naps, and went to bed around 10 pm. 

Traveling alone is stressful, but having to stay at my sister's house and Clara getting sick made it really tough. We went to dinner on Sunday night and there were about 25 people there. These people are practically strangers to the girls and they were definitely a little overwhelmed. There were dogs in the house wresting and it was really loud. We went from one chaotic environment to another. 

We were so grateful to be home but anticipated a bad night with Clara since she hadn't been feeling well. When we were at dinner she felt so warm despite being dosed with Tylenol.

Well, it's now Wednesday and Clara seems to be feeling much better. Unfortunately, Lucy now has the same thing. Monday and Tuesday were really tough with the girls and they were so cranky and both wanted me. There was so much whining and I thought I was going to lose it. At one point yesterday I had to put them both in their cribs and let them cry while I took a break. I finally got a little break today as my mom watched the girls while I left for a few hours. I came home to a hysterical, snotty, drooly Lucy and felt a little guilty. Luckily she snuggled into me and calmed right down. 

On days like this I think about how things are going to be with a baby added to the mix. I can't help but feel extremely overwhelmed and scared. I joked we will all have to live in a bubble because I won't be able to to handle sick toddlers and a baby. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle healthy toddlers and a baby, haha. 

I'm hoping Lucy starts to feel better soon so that we are all healthy for vacation next week. 

A Big Week

On Monday W took his last paid day off of the year. We decided to make it a family day and visited the National Museum of Play in Rochester, NY. Even though the girls are young they still had so much fun. That night when we got home all Lucy wanted to do was practice walking. As a result, Clara decided to practice as well. For the first time Lucy took a handful of steps and then more and more. Clara had taken a few in the past but also decided to join in the fun and and they were both walking fools around the living room. They're still mainly crawling to get from place to place, but they're starting to take steps between things in the house and want to practice walking all the time. I'm sure they'll both be primarily walking in no time. 

It's so funny that they love to practice their walking together. When one falls the other always does too, even if she's not that close. They're like little dominos. It's seriously so cute! 

Last summer I wrote about my step sister Liz and her IVF cycle. Her first cycle didn't work but she had two embryos they froze. Last Wednesday she transferred one of those embryos. With my encouragement (bad influence, haha!) she took a home pregnancy test yesterday morning at 6dp5dt. She sent me a picture of an amazing positive test yesterday and then a darker one today. I'm so happy and excited for her!! Funny thing is, I put her transfer date into a due date calculator online and it had the day after Lucy and Clara's birthday as the due date. 

Two really amazing things have happened this week and it just makes me that much more excited to celebrate Christmas with family. Tonight we go to my in-laws for dinner and tomorrow we'll host lunch for family. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas Eve. 

Thankful

This year we traveled to my sister's house in Albany for Thanksgiving. W had to work on Friday but was able to get finished fairly early on Wednesday so we could get on the road. Unfortunately, they were expecting a snow storm so our last hour (at least) of the drive was quite slow going. The girl were so great in the car and that helped a lot.

Traveling isn't quite what it used to be. We now have to pack for 4 people rather than 2. We need to find someone to watch and feed the pets. Remembering to bring everything important is always exciting too.  

Then there's staying at my sister's house. My sister tries, but she really is a bit of a slob. She has 3 cats (one of which peed on our suitcase), a dog, and a toddler. The room they give us to sleep in is an open loft. There's no door. And, the living room is directly below. My BiL loves his TV and video games so they're always on and loud. I love spending time with my sister, but it's stressful at her house. 

Also, my BiL's aunt passed away on Monday afternoon. Because they are Jewish, they bury their dead in a certain timeframe. This meant my sister and BiL had to attend a funeral Thanksgiving day. My dad came over early to start cooking and we went for a walk to visit my childhood friend.

My sister lives in the same neighborhood that we grew up in. From her driveway you can look down at the house that we grew up in. It's also where my sister was born. So, visiting K means I can visit our old neighbors. My best childhood friend was my next door neighbor. She now lives in NYC, but on Thursday morning W and I went down to her parent's house for a visit. It was so nice to see her and her family, and she got to meet Lucy and Clara for the first time. I really enjoyed visiting with her and miss her like crazy. Over time we've fallen out of touch some, but we are Facebook friends so stay somewhat connected that way. 

When we returned to K's house W and I put the girls down for their nap. Then I logged onto my blog and read my Thanksgiving posts for the past few years. Last year's post had me seriously tearing up. 

It's amazing everything we went through. Some days I'm amazed I kept going and pushed through all of the sadness and hurt. I had no idea how strong I was at the time, but looking back it's amazing. 

Some days it's easy to lose track of all the things to be thankful for in life. There are days that the stress of caring for twins and the house builds up. W and I aren't always wonderful to each other, but we're working on it. Life is definitely different, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I'm so thankful and grateful for my husband and partner in life. He leaves every day and works so hard for our family. He loves his girls and tells me how much he misses them on Monday when he has to go back to work. He listens to me and gives me breaks when needed and I can always count on him to laugh at my jokes. On the weekends he picks up the slack with the girls and does most of the care for them, giving me a much needed break. He sings to them, dances with them, and snuggles with them in bed. Recently we've been working hard on our relationship. It's crazy that something that was so easy and important in the past has taken a bit of a back seat. Now, we realize we need to work on our marriage and make time to make it a priority, something that isn't always easy when raising twins. 

I'm so thankful for my children. They made me a mama and have taught me so much about myself, love, and patience the past 14 months. Their little faces light up any room and bring smiles everywhere we go. The love they have for each other is amazing and so fun to watch as well. 

I'm thankful for my supportive family. My mom who lives a few minutes up the road and often watches the girls. How they love her so much and crawl full speed to the door when they see her. My in-laws who are always so helpful and supportive. My FiL who will drop anything to help us at any given moment. My sister who I love but wish lived closer. My nephew who loves his babies (Lucy and Clara) and asks about them constantly. 

My pets who continue to love me and stay loyal despite my lack of attention for them.

Our beautiful house that is so full with bodies and love. The large yard we have for our dogs to roam and for our girls to play in. 

My job that allows me to work just a little in order to stay involved and contribute to our "vacation fund". The chance it gives me to get out some and help others. 

There's so much to be thankful and grateful for and I know I just scratched the surface.  

This was Lucy and Clara's second Thanksgiving. As I watched their big cousin Benny show off for them, help them walk by holding their hands, and give them eskimo kisses and hugs I knew every year will just get better. These cousins will grow up together and cause lots of trouble together. The love I have for my family will expand and grow as my children do. I'm just so thankful to be able to live this life!

Happy Halloween

Yesterday we went with friends to the mall for a trick or treat event. It seemed like every kid was dressed as either a ninja turtle or Elsa from Frozen. Today we checked out the children's area at the local library and tonight we are home and totally over prepared for the 10 trick or treaters we will get. Wonder who will eat the leftover candy?

Here are the girls in their costumes. They were cabbage patch kids. 

I also had a little fun taking their pictures today. 

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween. 

Father's Day

Today Lucy, Clara, and I are spoiling W. We got him a picture frame with super cute pictures of the girls spelling "dad", some new sneakers, and some gym shorts. 

I feel so lucky that we get the celebrate this day. I also think of how hard days like this were for us not that long ago. If you are still in the trenches, I'm thinking of you and hoping you get to celebrate this day in true fashion soon 

Mother's Day

Today was my first real Mother's Day. The weather was absolutely beautiful and I had such a great day with my family. W made breakfast and brought me coffee in bed. He gave me a notebook with letters written from both girls with their little footprints. He also made shadow boxes with all of the things from the hospital and NICU. 

Mama and her girls

happy girls hanging out

With my MiL and Grandma Dukes

We hung around for a few hours and then went to my mom's for brunch. My in-laws were there as well as my little brother and step dad. We ate waffles, fruit, and whipped cream and gave our moms their plants in the pots we made for them. 

We came home and relaxed for a bit while the girls napped and then walked with the dogs to the playground to swing on the swings when they woke up. We finished the day by going out to dinner and stopping to buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream on the way home. 

All mothers are in my thoughts today. Whether you are a mother to an adult or small child, or you are still fighting for that title, I wish you peace and happiness today. Without moms the world would be a scary place. I never appreciated my mama so much until became one myself. 

Happy Easter

The girls weren't quite sure what to think of the Easter bunny. Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday and eating lots of chocolate like I plan to do.