Imperfect

I learned to knit this fall. My MiL has always knitted hats for the girls, but I decided I wanted to learn too. I didn't want to wait on her every time one of the girls needed a new hat. 

My first project didn't come out too great as it was too short for Stella to wear as it didn't cover her ears. The second hat I made was for Lucy and it had multi-colored stripes. Problem is, I made the mistake of buying cheap yarn. The hat got so stretched almost immediately and as a result doesn't really stay on. Regardless, she still loves it and wears it often. Clara then begged me to make her one too so I decided to make another striped hat, but this time with nicer yarn. Every day as she saw my progress she'd excitedly say, "Claka hat, Claka hat" (she calls herself Claka). 

The hat has been mostly finished for at least a week now. The thing is, I still haven't totally learned how to or had the time to completely finish it. It doesn't look bad apart from all of the strings hanging down/off of it at the seam where I switched the colors for the stripes. Yet, one of the first things Clara does every morning when she goes downstairs is put on her hat. With a huge smile on her face she proclaims, "mama hat". 

It made me think of every aspect of being their mama. Even if their hats are super stretched out or have strings hanging off of them, they still love and adore them. It makes me realize that at least for now I can do no wrong in their eyes. They love me unconditionally, even if I'm not perfect. 

A Mom of Multiples

Even from my pregnancies I can tell you that having twins and having a singleton is very different. I didn't get really big really fast this time. I went into labor naturally (without a car accident) and delivered my baby a day before her due date. 

I know I've said it before, but life with one baby is just so different from life with two. 

As proud of I am of exclusively breastfeeding my twins, I wasn't able to do this from the start with Stella. On our third day in the hospital she cried and cried and acted so hungry. I tried pumping, hand expressing, and nursing her as much as she wanted, but she was still screaming and acting hungry. In addition, she lost 9% of her body weight and the nurses said things get concerning at 10%. I know this is totally normal, but something had to give. My baby was hungry and my milk hadn't come in yet. After talking to my favorite lactation consultant from the NICU I made the decision to supplement a little with formula. I used a syringe and squirted little amounts into her mouth as she was latched. I don't think she got more than 20 ml's total, but it was so different from the girls. I really struggled with this at the time. How could I exclusively breastfeed twins but not a single baby? I think them being preemies gave me a little buffer as they didn't get any milk for a few days. This allowed me time for my milk to come in and to build up a little stash before they started eating. Luckily, my milk came in the night I supplemented Stella with formula, and I haven't given any formula since. It was hard for me to accept at the time, but I look back and don't regret any of it. 

When the girls were in the NICU everything I read and heard said to keep them on the NICU schedule once they came home. I took this advice to heart and we kept them on the same schedule. From day one at home they were on a schedule. I rarely fed them more often than every two hours and when one woke to eat I'd wake the other. I remember when Lucy wasn't gaining weight well I was told to feed her on demand. The person who told me that didn't understand life with twins. I couldn't feed one baby on demand and keep the other on a schedule or feed one baby while the other just cried. Well, I guess I could have but it would mean feeding babies all day long. I wasn't up for that. 

When Stella was born I thought I'd approach parenting differently. There was only one baby and I wanted to be more relaxed about having her on a schedule. 

The thing I'm realizing is, I'm still a mom of multiples. I learned to be a parent to twins as I didn't know anything else. Being their mom molded me into the type of mom I needed to be to best take care of them. 

On Monday I went to a tea time circle of moms and their babies hosted by the yoga instructor I loved and took prenatal and mama baby yoga with. I noticed all these other moms just feeding their babies whenever they cried. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that looked at my watch first. 

When the girls were little we used the Babywise book to guide our daytime routine. We did an eat, play, sleep routine. It made life predictable to both them and me and it worked well for us. Even though Stella is only a month old, we've been thinking about this routine and trying to keep her awake some after feedings. I try to be sure when she eats that she gets a full feeding rather than snacking, since I can't be available to feed her all the time. I have two year old twins to take care of. Even though Stella is a singleton, I'm still a mom to multiples. 

As time goes on sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not able to be the kind of parent to her that I envisioned. The thing is, with her reflux I can't feed her all the time. Feeding her more just makes her more uncomfortable. Also, there are times in the day when it's just not feasible. 

I shared at the tea time my feelings about this and the overwhelming response was, just do what works for you and your family. It doesn't matter what kind of parenting you decide to do as long as it works for you. This made me feel so much better. 

I guess even though I only have one baby now I'll always be a mom of multiples. I learned to be a mama with my twins and that's the only kind I know how to be. And you know what? I realize that a mom who needs schedules and structure is just as great as a mom who doesn't.

We all approach parenting differently and I'm learning there's no right or wrong way to do it. It's all about what works. 

Cliché

When I was trying to get pregnant there were things people would say that really bothered me. They were the totally cliche  statements about parenthood that you hear all the time. What bothered me was that more than anything I wanted to experience those things but couldn't. 

The thing is, lately I find myself saying those things. Things like:

Having kids changes your whole life. 

I had no ideaI I could love something so much. 

Kids are SO much work. 

You think you're (insert anything here)? Try having kids.

I haven't slept through the night in (insert given amount of time). 

As much as I hate to admit it, these things are all so damn true. I try not to say them, but often mutter them to W at the end of a long day. Every time I catch myself saying them I hate myself a little bit. Damn clichés! 

1 year old

Playing footsie in the stroller

Finally able to play together again after Lucy got her cast off. 

Good morning cuties.  

One last swim in the lake for the year. 

A little over a year ago my life changed in ways I was unable to comprehend at the time. After years of infertility and heartbreak I gave birth to perfect twin girls. When I was pregnant I tried to picture my life and how it would look as a mom to two girls, but I honestly had no idea.

"I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go." This is the first sentence in one of our favorite books to read to the girls. The power of those words aren't lost on me. It's so true.

I cried so many tears, we drove thousands of miles, I injected my body with countless medications and went through several surgeries, and we spent our savings and an inheritance check from W's grandmother just for a chance to be parents. Unlike everyone, we got lucky and were given the 2 most perfect little girls.  I'll never regret anything I went through for it.

As much as getting them here was difficult, I had no idea how difficult the first year of raising twins would be. Everyone says the first 6 months are the toughest and that it all becomes a blur. It's true. While we were living it it didn't feel too blurry, but looking back it sure does! But, we made it. We kept 2 babies alive for the year and they are thriving. We are falling into our roles as parents and embracing all that it means.

One of my biggest goals was to make it to a year breastfeeding. I wanted to give up so many times. Lucy was so difficult for months to feed and her lack of weight gain was a reflection of that. Despite how difficult it was, I had heard to never quit on a bad day. The bad days were the only days I ever wanted to quit. So, I persisted and never gave up (thanks also to a good friend who was in the breastfeeding twins trenches at the same time). I'm so proud of myself and my girls. I regained so much confidence and love for my body from the experience. Unlike getting and staying pregnant,  I realized my body could succeed at something from the get-go.

Lucy- Your blue eyes sparkle and light up your little chubby cheeked face. You're still so little for a one year old, but I think petite will be a word to describe you for a long time. You are such a mama's girl and I love that. You are one of the toughest little babies I've ever met and that was apparent from the start.
You are trying to imitate and talk but won't do it around anyone else. You've said, "hi, bye-bye, yup, no, Pepper, Pop-Pop, and stop" as well as imitated animal sounds for the kitty, dog, sheep, and lion. You have perfected different expressions and I love your little looks of wonder, excitement, uncertainty, or confusion. The last month of your life you spent stuck in a huge cast. You rarely complained and you became so chill and relaxed. You really were such a trooper. When the cast came off you complained out of fear, but then were so happy and relieved to be able to move around again.
You love your sister and think it's hilarious to pull her hair while she's trying to eat. You watch her so closely and imitate a lot of what she does. Your bond is already so close and I can tell how much you love each other. Having a sister is one of the best things!
 You had a rough month with eating but I don't blame you. I'm sure your appetite wasn't the same in the spica cast. Despite your lack of eating solid foods, it didn't slow down your nursing at all. Although uncomfortable for both of us, we still managed in the cast. You love to eat greek yogurt though and often have to also use it as a moisturizer while eating it (aka rub it all over your hands and face). You also love watermelon and raisins. You missed a month of baths with your sister and are so happy to be able to splash with her again. We even got some new bath toys during that time so you're extra excited about those.
You still aren't a great sleeper, but don't tell daddy, I love snuggling with you in bed. Your daddy said one morning he found us both sleeping with your hand on my face. I guess we both like the closeness of another body in bed for sleeping.
You're a happy girl that loves music and dancing. Even when I sing horribly, you get into it and start bobbing your little head. You love to clap your hands and are starting to learn a few body parts. I love you so much little Lucy. Thank you for being such an amazing daughter and for teaching me how to be a great mommy to you this past year.

I often said the only cute part about the spica cast was the way her buns looked in it. 

Trying out a chair at Mashall's

Waiting at the dr's office

The same size as a 2 month old baby!

What nursing in the spica cast looked like.

Just hanging out in her beanbag chair.

Cast free and sitting up!

Jamming out.

Clara- Every time I look at you I see so much of myself. You look just like me (but with hazel eyes) and you're a little wild and outspoken, just like your mama. You started crawling this month and nothing can stop you. When grandma dukes came over one morning and she yelled upstairs to try to locate us, you squealed and screamed back and crawled towards the gate at the top of the stairs to alert her to where you were.
You are big on equal treatment and advocating for yourself. When your sister gets something, you make sure you get it too. When she gets picked up, you make it clear you want it to. We joked when Lucy first got the cast that you wanted one too since she was getting extra attention and you were getting jealous. For this reason I know I won't have to worry about you. I know you will be direct and clear about what you want in life. Hmmm...I wonder if I know someone else like that....
You love playing and take it very seriously these days. I'm amazed by your attention span and persistence. You love to put things in and out and will do this for hours every day. It's so awesome to watch you play with toys as they were intended rather than just mouthing everything.
You're so silly and love to giggle and laugh. I often hear you giggling to your sister when I'm in another room. You love books and even if you are upset they always calm you down. You haven't started to really talk or imitate much yet, but I'm sure once you start there will be no stopping you. You're understanding so much more and are starting to show us that.
You're a great sleeper but with learning to crawl, your have a harder time falling asleep. When I put you down in your crib you like to sit back up and chat. You used to just roll over and fall asleep but now it takes you a little more time. You started pulling to stand in your crib so we had to lower it down. That means your shorty mama had to buy a stool so she didn't have to drop you from a foot above the mattress to put you down.
You love eating and still prefer carbs and sweets. You love watermelon and blueberry pancakes. Your favorite foods seem to change often. You still love nursing but recently bit your mama. When I told you it wasn't okay and stopped you you got so upset. I felt horrible, but it really hurt. You still seem to have a sensitive stomach and spit up from time to time. When I try to give you water you almost always chug too much and then throw up. You can't help it that you're enthusiastic.
You're such a happy, lively, and persistent little girl. I love how much you remind me of myself, and although I know you will be trouble at times, I can't wait to watch and see what kind of person you become. I know you'll do great things! I really am the luckiest mama around.

So cute!

Modeling her tutu skirt mama made for her birthday party. 

Wait, that doesn't go there!

Crawling to mama in the bathroom.

Sitting in her new chair.

Looking like such a big girl!

Blueberry picking

I can't believe Lucy and Clara are a year old and we are officially into the second year of their lives. It's been the best year of my life and I'm so grateful for my beautiful daughters.

Hanging with our friends Quinn and Kensi. They are 2 weeks older.

At the zoo. 

When daddy first assembled their new chairs/birthday presents. 

Fluoride

Now that the girls have teeth I've started thinking about fluoride. Our first pediatrician prescribed a multi-vitamin that contained flouride to use around the time the girls turned 6 months. I never gave it to them because they didn't have teeth so I figured there was no rush. I do know that our water isn't treated where we live, hence the supplement. 

I went to a baby expo around the time we were prescribed the fluoride and there was a pediatric dentist there. She highly recommended using it and said you can tell the difference with children who have had it. She also have us some really cool baby toothbrushes for free that we've recently started using. 

I read a few articles this morning about fluoride use and I think we will likely use it. I have horrible teeth and have had 2 root canals and really need to get a second crown. I don't want my girls to have to get as many fillings as I did as a child, but I'm pretty sure my mom hadus fluoride, so that's not the reason I had so many cavities. It was probably my lack of consistent and good tooth brushing and flossing. I did read though that flouride is linked to neurological damage (although not significant). 

So, I ask you, what's your take on fluoride? Do you give it to your children or is your water already treated? Are you skipping it altogether? 

11 Months Old

The girls turned 11 months old on the day I turned 31. We celebrated by attending a picnic for families with multiples. We had such a great day. Every other month if I didn't take monthly pictures or write my post on the exact day it wasn't a big deal. Well, Lucy broke her leg the following morning. So, despite her not actually being in a cast on her 11 month birthday the pictures will have it in them. Also, life has been turned totally upside down. It's as if Lucy was turned back into an infant overnight. She lost all independence she had gained so it makes it hard to write about how she was before. I will do my best to remember because I know I will regret if I miss a month of these updates.

Celebrating my 31st birthday with my girls

Play date with friends

Mmmm...blueberry muffins!

Good morning mama!

First morning in Maine

Hanging on the porch in Maine

Out for a morning walk

First lobster dinner

Trying out our new twin pool float

Such cuties

Checking out the elephant at the zoo

Playing with baby Everett. We're big girls now!

Rocking on our elephant

Big girls sitting in chairs

Tandem nursing in the backseat of the car in party dresses

Pool party with Jack

Lavender Festival

This month we took a vacation to Maine. We swam in the freezing Atlantic Ocean, tried out our new twin pool float, ate lobster for the first time, and tried ice cream. We attended a lavender festival, got together with lots of friends for play dates, attended two first birthday parties, learned how to crawl backwards and pivot while sitting, visited the zoo, learned "if you're happy and you know it", and met our friends new baby and suddenly became the big kids. You visited New Jersey and met some family and then briefly also visited the states of Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts. You also met your great grandma Karolyn in Maine. 

Lucy- you're so little yet so, so strong. You love standing up and will do it for long stretches. Your sleeping took another turn for the worse this month as mommy and daddy went to a concert and left you with grandma. I guess you woke up and cried for about a half hour that night and then for about 10 days after you were up like a newborn again. You needed the reassurance that mama was there, and boy was it exhausting. You even went through a phase where you wouldn't let daddy comfort you at night. By the end of the month, gratefully, things had definitely improved. You still love sleeping in our bed and cuddling with mama, but we're trying to get you back in your crib ASAP after night time feedings. You really took off with your sign language this month. You started with "please" when we introduced you to lobster. My eyes teared up with pride as you signed please and then devoured your lobster. As you will find out, lobster is your mama's favorite food. You wave consistently and are showing me you understand more words. You also love dancing to music. You love peek a boo and think putting your hands on your head counts as playing. Any time I pulled out my camera this month your hands went straight to your head. You love your doggy pepper and think it's great if he lets you pet him. You are so smart, cute, and wonderful and I love you so much.

Ride em cowboy

Look out, I'm driving!

Snoozing with daddy

Clara- This month you got your first tooth and your mama was so excited! It was right after our vacation which helped explained some of your unhappiness at times. You are moving and changing positions like crazy. You pull to stand independently and also crawl backwards only. You get so frustrated when we try to get you to work on crawling. You love splashing in the tub or pools and can get crazy sometimes with it. You wave consistently and are just starting to dance to music. You haven't really started using any sign language but we're working on it with you. You are still such a great sleeper. Your pack and play kept getting slanted on vacation, but that didn't seem to bother you. You've decided you need to voice your unhappiness whenever you don't think things are equal. If your sis gets something you're not shy about demanding equality. You started making a squinty nosed smile for pictures this month and thought you were hilarious. At the beach or in the sun you refuse to keep your hats on. You continue to be a great eater and love trying new things. You don't always like them, but I'm glad you're willing to try. You are such a strong and beautiful little girl miss Clara.

Trying out baby Everett's quilt that mama made

squinty nosed smile

Nursing with a view