The Difference Betweeen Moms and Dads

I've been fortunate enough to have generally good health since my children were born. Sure, there were some days during my pregnancy with Stella that I was so sick and nauseous that we didn't do much, but I always felt physically able to care for my children when needed. 

On Wednesday we met a friend and her kids at the playground. Since Lucy had some weird rash on her chest for weeks without going away, I also made a drs appointment for after. We had fun playing and I had packed lunches for the girls that they ate while we waited to see the Dr. I started to feel a little jittery and off while we sat and waited so I quick ate a larabar.

As more time went on I started to feel worse and worse. My stomach started getting cramps and I felt super nauseous. At one point I pictured myself puking in the parking lot with my three kids. I felt awful.

I somehow got everyone in the car and forced myself to eat a big portion of my lunch as I drove home. I figured that would help me feel better. I really didn't feel much better the rest of the night. When W came home I was able to lie down some, but I couldn't figure out why I felt so terrible all of a sudden. I still helped with baths and bedtime. 

On Thursday morning I woke up feeling even worse. I was still super nauseous and still had the stomach cramps. By 9 am I was greeted by my period. I have to believe the Whole 30 had a lot to do with me getting my cycle back, but holy moly it was bad! Pop-Pop came with us rasberry picking and I felt ok. I napped with Stella that afternoon and that helped a little. By that evening the flow had gotten really heavy and things took a turn for the worse. I had a horrible headache, awful cramps, still felt nauseous, had the stomach cramps, and now was bleeding really heavy!

Friday morning I woke up feeling so awful. Like, I've never felt so awful and had to take care of my kids. W ran to the pharmacy and got me Midol while I sat on the floor curled in a ball and watched the girls to the best of my ability. I reached out for help from my in laws and mom and no one was available. My MiL was willing to meet me at a book sale so I decided I would go. Not sure how I got everyone dressed and out the door, but I did. I cried a lot of the way to meet my MiL. I felt awful and had to take care of my three kids regardless. It was a horrible feeling.

My MiL really wasn't all the helpful, even when I told her I felt awful. She just said, "Well that's unexpected." I basically had to beg her to come along for the other errand I had to do (buying a bday present for a party we had on Sunday).

I dropped her off after and had to pick up lunch for everyone because there was no way I was going to be able to make it with the way I felt. As I brought my kids into a restaurant and waited for our food I wanted to cry again. I felt seriously terrible, yet had no choice but to carry on. I felt like I could hardly stand up my cramps were so bad. 

I got the girls down for a nap and again laid down with Stella. We had a birthday dinner for my SiL that night so I was hoping it would help me feel better. When W got home we got ready and headed over to my in laws. I still felt awful, but didn't feel like we could cancel. 

Dinner was fine and that night I fell asleep early on the couch. The following morning when I got up W didn't budge when the girls were crying. I asked him what was going on and he said he had been up at 3 am vomiting. Having no other choice, I dragged myself out of bed and brought the girls downstairs for breakfast. I would be lying if I said I wasn't super disappointed and a little pissed that not only was I not getting a badly needed break, I wasn't even getting any help. I texted my mom and she was willing to come with us to the lavender festival as I had planned later. 

The day didn't go as I had hoped and I was honestly so upset with the sequence of events. I felt so incredibly horrible on Friday, yet had little help taking care of our three kids. I really had three days where I felt pretty awful, yet still got up and did what I had to. It felt so unfair that W spent the entire next day in bed. I would have given anything to curl up in a ball and sleep by myself on Friday. Of course I didn't want everyone to get sick so I gave him space, but it was just incredibly frustrating and unfair. I guess that's the difference between being a mom and dad. Moms don't get sick days. 

Friendships

Quite a few months ago I posted about a group of moms that I got together with regularly for play dates with our kids. I loved seeing those friends and getting together so frequently. It made our weeks pass by more quickly and I looked forward to our time spent together. Time flies when you're having fun, right?

About a month and a half ago one of the mommies from our group moved away. Like, 16 hours far away. We were super sad to see her go with her adorable and fun little girls, but that was the plan for their family when they moved to this area two years prior. We all still have a group text going, but the play dates have been much less frequent. In fact, the other mamas and I haven't all gotten together since. 

I've tried quite a few times to suggest times or ask if people were free to all get together, but have been unsuccessful. Here's the thing about friendships for me; I don't like to be the one doing all the work. I think a friendship should be mutual with each person keeping up their end. I know there are times when this isn't possible and close friendships allow for that, but this doesn't feel like one of those times. Generally, when I feel like the one doing more work (or all of the work in a friendship), I'm quick to retreat or give up. 

My best childhood friend and I finally fell out of contact after years of me feeling like I was holding up the friendship alone. We are still Facebook friends and try to see each other at least once a year, but it makes me sad to think of how things once were. 

Maybe I'm too quick to give up and should try harder, but I don't know. My husband is one of the worst people about keeping in contact and maintaining friendships. When we first got together I was definitely the one doing most of the work. Luckily that balance has shifted and things are much more equal now. As for friendships outside of our marriage, nothing there has changed much for him. 

Most of my friends in high school or college were guys. I've always gotten along with them better and found friendships to be simpler. At this point in my life, as a stay at home mom, I'm not likely to be making many guy friends, nor do I really want to. 

So I guess what I'm saying is I'm ready to give up on these play dates, and perhaps even one of these friendships. One of the friends and I are still getting together and I think we'll continue to stay in touch. As for the other, I guess only time will tell. I know I'm getting tired of feeling like the one that's trying harder. 

Am I the only one that's quick to give up when feeling like I'm the only one trying?

Not Sure

I have an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound to check my thyroid. I've been trying to get my doctor to order a full panel for thyroid testing, but he wasn't in today so it hasn't happened yet. I will call the office again tomorrow morning and request it again. 

My TSH levels were 1.07. I've found anything between .3 and 3.0 to be within the normal range. I just don't get it. Smack dab in the middle. I know I had them tested previously and they were normal as well. 

I called my fertility clinic today to ask them about the thyroid thing. They told me it probably wouldn't be the best to do an IVF cycle if my thyroid is all out of whack. I'm supposed to start Lupron on Monday and I have a suppression check in 11 days. I asked if they were to put me on Synthroid how long it would take to work. They said at least 6 weeks. This means potentially delaying another IVF cycle. Delays are not something I have dealt with well in the past, I'm not gonna lie. 

I'm so frustrated! I really need to be able to make an informed decision about whether to continue with this cycle or not before Monday, but I'm not sure that is going to happen. I can't make a decision based on my emotions alone. 

I don't understand how I've been to 2 RE's and neither of them have mentioned my thyroid. I've already done an IVF cycle and don't think my thyroid has anything to do with it failing. Yes, I've had a miscarriage, but I'm pretty sure that was due to low progesterone levels and not my thyroid. 

I've done some (understatement) research and found that the most likely thing is Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I don't really have any of the symptoms and found that treatment is controversial. Some think if your TSH isn't elevated there is no reason to treat it. Others show that treatment helps. 

I just feel lost and not prepared to handle another delay. I know if there is a problem that needs to be dealt with it is best to do before cycling again. It's just hard to accept that and wait another couple of months. Hopefully I can get some kind of answers tomorrow regarding the ultrasound. 

Roadblock

I'm glad I went for another ultrasound before doing the transfer. Yesterday afternoon I had another ultrasound followed by an appointment with Dr. S. The ultrasound revealed the same amount of fluid plus traces of additional fluid next to it. 

I then met with Dr. S. He pointed out the trace fluid and gave me three options. 1) Go ahead with the transfer despite there being more fluid 2) Cancel the transfer and do an endometrial biopsy, 3) Cancel the transfer and do nothing. 

We talked for a while and I asked for his best recommendation. He said none of those situations are ideal, but since we know a FET is less successful than a fresh transfer, it would be best to eliminate any other variables that may reduce the chances of implantation. He also said he would hate for it to not work and look back and say we should have waited. He looked at the ultrasound and my trial transfer and tried to determine if he could avoid the fluid. It was possible, but not the ideal placement for them. He was planning to place the embryos where the new fluid appeared. He doesn't know why the fluid keeps reappearing since I don't have a hydrosalpinx and there is no possible reason at this time. He recently rechecked my testosterone levels and they were normal (thanks Metformin!)  He's not sure we will be able to avoid this happening in the future, but it is probably best to wait and see what happens in subsequent cycles. It's not a problem I had doing IUI's or on anything ultrasound until last month. 

I opted for choice number 2. He did the biopsy right then and it was not fun. I wasn't able to take anything prior so there was a lot of cramping, but nothing horrible. It felt similar to an IUI but with much more cramping. I saw the tissue he removed and it was a decent amount. 

After the biopsy I went back into his office to get my prescription and paperwork to bring to the receptionist. At first he wrote me a prescription for oral progesterone and told me to take it for a week and then would start the protocol for the FET once I get my period. He then informed me that he is going to be out of town from Sep 1-11. We looked at a calendar and determined that if I took the progesterone and we started another cycle, the next time we would do the transfer would fall during that time he was away. He offered that the other RE in the office could do it, but I've never even met the guy. So, after some discussing with the nurse he decided to put me on birth control pills and keep me on them until he is back. That way he will be there to make any decisions and not have to communicate over the phone with the office during my cycle. 

In a sense I feel relief. I know this is the best decision and gives me the best chances for the future. I'm not sure why this fluid started appearing and has now become a chronic problem. I'm hoping giving my body a break for a month will help and the fluid won't reoccur in the future. 

I had the cyst and surgery and wasn't able to start trying until January. Once January hit we did the IVF that got cancelled because I got pregnant, a miscarriage in Feb followed by a D&C and laparopscopy #2. March was spent waiting for my cycle to start again after the miscarriage, I tried Clomid + IUI in April, injectables + IUI in May, Lupron started for IVF in June, IVF cycle in July was cancelled at the time of the transfer due to fluid, and a cancelled FET cycle in August. I need to step away and take a month off, forced or not. 

At the same time I am disappointed. Disappointed that this has been so difficult, disappointed that my body won't cooperate, and disappointed that I will be in limbo for another month. I need to step back from infertility and distract myself. I need to live life outside of trying to get pregnant and just be. This is going to be hard, but it is something I know I have to do. At this point I don't know how to not focus on TTC. We shall see how the next month pans out. As I left the office my RE apologized that we had to cancel the transfer again. My response, "I'm learning how to be patient." 

Not sure

I wrote last night that I wasn't nervous about my appointment. I woke up this morning feeling completely different and so anxious. My stomach was in knots, my head hurt a bit, and I had zero appetite. I guess once you have something bad happen at an appointment you forever fear it happening again. This morning I was so scared of them finding fluid again. 

Guess what? 

My fears were confirmed. My lining was triple striped and great at 12, but there was a small pocket of fluid again. The most frustrating part of this is that it wasn't there 10 days ago when I went in for my baseline ultrasound. This means I had fluid last month, it went away, and now more/different fluid is back. 

I have been getting ultrasounds for a year now consistently. Before last month I never had any issues with fluid in my uterus. Now it seems to be a problem I can't avoid. 

I haven't heard from my RE or the nurse yet, but I am expecting the call will be from Dr. S. I am going to ask him if we can drain it to see what the hell is going on and then monitor and possibly still do the transfer. I don't think he will be down for this, but I guess you never know. 

I'm starting to wonder whether this is ever going to happen for us. I'm really starting to think we should pursue adoption or take a break from treatments. I am so frustrated right now!