Marriage

This week my sister informed me that her marriage is over, she plans to leave. When she first told me the news I was so caught off guard and scared by her tone and seriousness. I went back to W that night and told him how she really sounded like she meant it and how it scared me. 

Since we speak pretty much daily the next few days gave me the opportunity to ask and find out more details. 

According to her it's been "really bad for a really long time."  I knew he didn't help much around the house or with their son. That he was ungrateful for everything she does to keep their household afloat. Every winter while he's at home on seasonal unemployment playing video games and smoking pot, my sister is busting her butt, working two jobs and dropping Benny off at daycare. She put up with a lot of crap for a long time. Apparently they had a big blow out fight about it all and my BiL asked her if she even still wanted to be married. That's when she told him no. 

But it all makes me so sad to think about. My parents split up when I was 7 and my sister was 9. I remember those following years like they were a deep black hole for my family. My mom cried a lot, was very depressed, and it affected us all so much. When she started dating and put that before us and her family, it once again affected us. Maybe it's that my dad left and my mom didn't see if coming, but it was so hard for her and our family. 

I hate to think of my sister feeling like that and going through something like it. If it were just her it'd be one thing, but my three year old nephew is about to be along for the ride. Breaks ups are really hard, I can't imagine breaking up when married with a child. 

All week any time I thought about it I'd get super upset. I would cry thinking about being a spectator during the process. Having to watch their marriage and family unravel. Knowing Benny will be experiencing it all with them and that he will also grow up in a broken home with broken parents.  

Today I talked to my sister and through tears I told her my fears. My fears for her and my nephew. How even though I'm not a huge fan of my BiL, how I'm still feeling terrible for him and waiting to hear about his self destruction and decline. 

It's all so sad. I wish they had tried harder to work on things sooner. That my sister had stood up to him years ago and put her foot down. That they could work together rather than give up. 

My sister said she wants to move out within the next month. That she can't take being around him and constantly being guilted by him. That maybe they could work on things, just not in their current living situation. 

I'm really so sad about all of it. I hate to think of my sister going through a divorce, especially knowing how hard it was on my mom and family as a child. Please keep my sister in your thoughts and send her strength during this time. I know she'll need it. 

5 months old

Stella,

I can't believe you're five months old already! You're growing and changing so much and definitely aren't that same squishy baby we brought home 5 months ago. You're officially rolling both ways now and are so proud of yourself when you do. We've started focusing more on sitting and helping you practice that and you're already getting better. You've almost grown out of all of your three month clothes and I was a little sad you barely even wore some things. Your sisters fit in 0-3 month clothes for a long time. You're generally very happy and smile at everyone. Your face lights up so huge when you see your sisters. They're so good at helping to bring you toys or talk to you when you're being fussy. You're getting really great at grabbing things and pulling them to your mouth and you love to pull my hair any chance you get. We're still working through the hearing and reflux issues, but hopefully will have that figured out soon. You had a few great weeks when we first upped your reflux meds but lately it seems to be bothering you again. I tried a protein shake that you really didn't like and you started waking 3-4 times a night to comfort nurse. I'm glad I figured out the problem. You're generally up once, maybe twice a night to eat. You are still sleeping in our bed in the Dock a Tot, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Since you're still waking at night to eat and likely my last baby I like having you close. You nap about 4-5 times during the day and have a pretty good routine/schedule. You are a pretty relaxed baby that is willing to hang out as long as you are a part of the action or can see what is going on. I can't believe next month you will be half of the way to a year old! Time can slow down whenever. 

I was sleeping next to her until her sisters woke up. 

Taking a break during our car trip. 

Snoozing

Someone found the tubing to my pump. 

Lucy "reading" to her sister. 

Play date with twin boys Sam and Jackson. 

Cool kids

Vehicles

I drove a Subaru Impreza Outback until the day my girls were born. On that day I rear ended someone, breaking my water and totaling the car I loved so much. 

We were planning to get me a new car to accommodate our growing family, but the accident sped things up. My husband wanted a mini van, I wanted a Honda Pilot or Totota Highlander, and my FiL thought we should get an SUV with third row seating. We decided shortly after on the Mazda CX-9. 

While there were things I really liked about that car we ultimately decided to sell it about 14 months later because it was so large and I didn't feel like I could see well out of it. In the fall of 2014 I traded in my Mazda for a Subaru Outback. 

3 1/2 short months later we found out I was pregnant with baby #3. In an attempt to not get a new car right away we got Diono car seats that fit three across for L &C. 

Although it's a tight squeeze we mostly make it work. We couldn't afford another car right away so we were determined to make it work. 

The thing is, it's tough. When we travel long distances even the passenger can barely reach the girls. They fight because they're so close to each other, and recently L & C have given Stella food on a few occasions. Before it wasn't a big deal, but now she's super into it and will try to put anything in her mouth. The other day I arrived home to discover her munching happily on a cereal bar. 

We've started talking about and looking at vans but I'm not totally sold. I'm not convinced climbing into the third row will be any easier and I'm not sure how to configure three rear facing car seats. Another option would be to transition Stella to a convertible Dionk seat and keep the Subaru. 

What do you drive?

Dad

Last weekend we traveled to my sister's house to visit my nephew and celebrate his third birthday. We planned to stay Friday night and return Saturday evening while the girls were sleeping. 

The prior Monday my dad started experiencing severe vertigo. He was unable to drive himself, walk very far without leaning on the walls or others for support, or even stay upright for long. He was spending most of his days in bed sleeping. He went to an urgent care facility and was given an antibiotic and something for the vertigo. They assumed it was a sinus or ear infection. When he wasn't improving he called a few days later. They told him they wanted him to finish his antibiotic before being seen again. 

By Benny's party on Saturday dad still wasn't feeling any better. He came to the party but spent most of the time sitting or laying on the couch in the corner. He was super low energy and just looked awful. He said he was so nauseous from the vertigo that he couldn't eat much. With everyone's urging, his girlfriend took him to the ER after that party. 

As we were sitting on the couch spending the last few minutes with my sister, car packed full of stuff, we got a call saying they found out that my dad had had a stroke. It was then that we knew we were staying another night. 

The following morning we went to visit dad at the hospital. He seemed to be doing better and said the vertigo had improved. With lots of further testing in the following days they were able to find a small blockage in his cerebellum (the part of your brain responsible for balance and coordination). He was given something to break up the clot and was able to go home Tuesday night.  

Dad has a lot of follow up appointments including an ENT because they found a small mass on his thyroid. We're all hoping this serves as a wakeup call and that he starts to make choices to get healthier. He seems to be in denial now, but I just hope he realizes how lucky he was. A blood clot can be extremely devastating or even fatal. The fact that he had one and is now seemly fine really is lucky. 

I'm just so glad that my dad is okay. 

Stella 4 Months

I can't believe my baby is 4 months old already! Time is going by so fast. It feels like L & C were just babies, and now they're potty trained big girls and we have another baby. It's crazy how life works sometimes.

A little over three years ago all I wanted in the world was a baby. I was so desperate for a sweet little baby. Flash forward three years and there are days when I think I have TOO MANY kids! Life can change quickly, that's for sure.

Stella- You are the happiest, most smiley little baby. This past month we saw a GI Dr and returned to the ENT. The GI wanted to increase your Zantac a little and the change is amazing. You are just SO happy! Unfortunately the ENT found there's still fluid in your ears but wanted to wait another 2-3 months before placing tubes. I wish they would put them in sooner, but I'm trying to trust it's the best and safest decision for you. So, for now we wait. I've noticed you've started to localize sounds and definitely respond to my voice so I know you're hearing some. You love music and when I sing to you. We do Music Together classes once a week and you are just so alert and happy during class. I think you like it more than your sisters. You'd never think of sleeping through music class. You are very alert and aware of everything. You're always watching your sisters closely and love when they talk to you or bring you toys. You've found your feet and love eating them. You've rolled from your belly to back twice and you're getting so good at tummy time. You only complain when you're tired. You're still waking once a night to eat but go right back to sleep. You sleep in the Dock a Tot in our bed most nights and love napping with your mama while your sisters nap. You're really practicing with your voice and will raise the pitch up and down. Sometimes it even sounds like you're singing along with me. You're so alert and smiley whenever we go out. Just like sleeping through music class, you rarely sleep through our outings. You just love to be a part of everything. You're still drooling like crazy and we mentioned it to the pediatrician. We might see a speech pathologist to see if we can address it. Your mouth is open a lot of the time with your tongue out as well. You soak through bibs and your clothing multiple times a day. You still click while nursing but the ENT thought it could be you trying to relieve the pressure in your ears. I'll be curious to see if it goes away once the fluid is gone. You really are such a sweet and happy going baby. I feel so lucky to be your mama! 

Your first nap in your crib. 

You love looking at yourself in the mirror. 

Whose Baby?

As I said in my last post, Lucy hasn't been feeling well this week. As a result, we've seen a lot of testing boundaries and not listening. The other night she was hovering over Stella's face and not listening about giving Stella some space. I gave her a warning and started to count. I told her if she didn't give Stella space she was headed to time out. After all, we don't want Stella to get sick too. 

Well, she didn't listen or back up so headed right to time out. As she was sitting there, she cried out "My baby too!" I guess Lucy thought I should do a better job sharing Stella. I love how much she loves her baby. 

Mama's Milk

I've been pumping every morning for the past few months to have a little frozen stash. I know I really won't need that milk, but it's nice to know I have it and can rely on it. It also means I rarely have to pump if I miss a feeding here or there. L&C see me pump and help bring me the pieces in the morning. We often talk about "mama's milk". Most nights with dinner the girls get milk to drink. We often offer them the choice of mama's milk or cow's milk. Although Lucy has tried my milk a few times, she never seemed to like it. Clara, on the other hand, loves it. 

Most days I'll only let Clara drink a few ounces since I only pump about 5-7 ounces after feeding Stella in the morning. I want to freeze some of it after all. 

Last week W brought home a low grade cold. As a result, I started pushing the beast milk for Clara. Saturday night Lucy woke up feeling awful. She coughed so hard it made her vomit, her nose was running like a fountain, and she was running a fever. 

Since then I've pretty much been giving Clara all the milk I pump in the morning. And? She still not sick...yet. Haha. 

It is interesting that Clara generally gets sick first between my girls. After all, she was my sicker preemie. She's always sick for a few days before passing it on to Lucy. 

 I'm not saying my milk will keep her from getting sick completely, but I definitely can see a difference. She has a bit of a cough, but no runny nose, fever, or misery like Lucy. 

It's amazing to me that when I've told a few people that Clara likes my milk they think it's weird or gross. Drinking the milk of another species is much weirder if you ask me! She's not nursing, but getting all the benefits. The best part? When Stella doesn't finish a bottle we know it won't go to waste. Instead, Clara happily finishes it. 

Milk with lunch for L &C. Can you tell the difference?

L & C Update

Lucy and Clara are now 28 months old. For the first two years I was great about doing monthly updates. Once Stella arrived that became more difficult. The thing is, they're still growing and changing so much and I don't want to forget what they were like during this time. 

•Clara has really exploded with her language in the past month or so. She's finally using her words more than gestures or whining and it's wonderful. Everyone is so much happier and less frustrated. She tends to be hard to understand at times. 

•Lucy is also talking more and is regularly coming up with 4 and 5 word sentences on her own. She's pretty easy to understand. 

•The only way to get the girls to go up and down our stairs at home without holding a hand or complaining is to have them pretend to be monkeys. They make loud monkey sounds the entire time. 

•The girls drink so well from open cups now so that's all we use. We also switched to booster seats and we are all eating at the dining room table instead of the kitchen. I'd like to say we don't need bibs anymore, but Clara does. She such a messy eater and often has full sensory experiences with her meals prior to eating them.  

•Lucy is totally potty trained and only wears diapers overnight. Even though she's dry every morning she still prefers to wear one at night. Clara pees on the potty every time but has had a few poop accidents. Not fun :(

•Lucy is very insistent on doing things by herself. She often has to redo something I've just done if she didn't do it independently. It takes her forever to do some things! 

•I feel like a referee quite regularly as the girls fight like good sisters as I like to say. If we get two of something that's the same, they'll find a way to fight over them. If we only get one, they fight. If we get two that are different, they'll fight. You probably get the point. The sweet moments are there, but some days they seem quite few and far between all the fighting. 

•Lucy hasn't been very good in the car since we went to Albany over New Year's Eve. She always has something to complain about and it's not very fun. 

•Clara still loves books and monkeys. She's accumulated at least five different monkey stuffed animals in the past few months. 

•The girls love the baby and anything new we get for her. We recently borrowed a bumbo seat and they're constantly trying to sit in it. They really love the baby so much and will talk to her and make her smile or talk. 

•We finally weaned both girls off of Prevacid for acid reflux. It seemed like it a took a little adjusting, but they're fine. 

•Lucy has both of her two year molars on the bottom and Clara has a half of one on the bottom. My girls  are always slow to get teeth, so of course these will be slow too. 

•Clara has finally figured out how to jump. It took her quite a while and my mom got them a trampoline for Christmas. Lucy would coach her and say, "Two feet Claka, two feet", or "bend knees Claka". It  was so cute and funny. 

•The girls do gymnastics on Tuesdays, music on Wednesdays, and swimming on Fridays. We usually got to the library or story time at least once a week as well. I'm also hoping to check out a MOPS group this week.

•The baby dolls are still by far the favorite toys. They're starting to get into the Duplo blocks they got for Christmas and Lucy is getting pretty good at 24 piece puzzles. They both love doing puzzles. 

•I have no idea where they got it, but all of a sudden they would say, "Two daddy, two daddy" and each say that a few times taking turns going back and forth and then eventually correct to saying "One daddy" a few times. I teased W about what he was telling them when I wasn't around. They've been obsessed with the number two for a while. 

Well, that's the quick and easy summary of what my girls are up to. Does this sound like your two year old?

Imperfect

I learned to knit this fall. My MiL has always knitted hats for the girls, but I decided I wanted to learn too. I didn't want to wait on her every time one of the girls needed a new hat. 

My first project didn't come out too great as it was too short for Stella to wear as it didn't cover her ears. The second hat I made was for Lucy and it had multi-colored stripes. Problem is, I made the mistake of buying cheap yarn. The hat got so stretched almost immediately and as a result doesn't really stay on. Regardless, she still loves it and wears it often. Clara then begged me to make her one too so I decided to make another striped hat, but this time with nicer yarn. Every day as she saw my progress she'd excitedly say, "Claka hat, Claka hat" (she calls herself Claka). 

The hat has been mostly finished for at least a week now. The thing is, I still haven't totally learned how to or had the time to completely finish it. It doesn't look bad apart from all of the strings hanging down/off of it at the seam where I switched the colors for the stripes. Yet, one of the first things Clara does every morning when she goes downstairs is put on her hat. With a huge smile on her face she proclaims, "mama hat". 

It made me think of every aspect of being their mama. Even if their hats are super stretched out or have strings hanging off of them, they still love and adore them. It makes me realize that at least for now I can do no wrong in their eyes. They love me unconditionally, even if I'm not perfect. 

3 Months Old

Life is flying by and I can't believe little Stella is three months old already (and has been for a week or so as I'm late on this post). With January starting we have lots going on. The holidays were busy, but the days were long without planned activities. Now that it's January we have some more things planned. I look forward to having things to do and getting out of the house and I know the girls do too. I can't imagine just sitting home every day. Pop pop will bring L & C to gymnastics on Tuesdays and they usually go for donuts after. Sometimes I go and sometimes I stay home with Stella or run errands with her. On Wednesdays we are doing music class. My mom will come with us and it's nice and close. The girls love the Music Together classes. On Fridays my mom and MiL have agreed to do swim lessons with the girls. I went last week to show them where everything was but don't plan to go in the future. It's so nice to have so much help and support with the girls.

Stella- I can't believe you're three months old already. Time is passing so fast so I try to enjoy your sweet baby snuggles as much as possible. Some of my favorites times of the day are when it's just the two of us snuggled in bed together. Most mornings you eat and then go back to sleep, giving us some quality snuggle time. You're smiling much more and generally happier and more comfortable. You still don't startle to loud noises but you are starting to turn your head if you hear me or your daddy talking. We went to our first mama baby yoga class yesterday and you were so good. You just watched me contently from the top of my mat. You smile all the time and love your big sisters. You like to watch them play and are always happy when they talk to you or bring you toys to play with. You generally eat every two hours during the day and sleep one nice long stretch at night of about 6 hours. You are up to eat once around 3 or 4, but go right back to sleep. Some nights I fall asleep feeding you and then wake up some time later with you snuggled up sleeping next to me. You currently sleep either in the Dock a Tot in our bed or the rock and play depending on how congested you sound. You drool like crazy and always have your hands in your mouth. Occasionally you gag yourself by shoving your whole hand so far into your mouth, but that seems to be happening less and less. You love to fly above me and will search all over to find my face until you light up and smile. You coo and chat back and forth with us often and are quite the conversationalist!  You love your bath but hate getting out and get so upset every time. You can be difficult for your daddy to calm down and he sometimes gets frustrated by it, especially when I just talk to you and you instantly stop crying. Mama's voice almost always does the trick to calm you down. You love standing up on your feet and are getting better at tummy time. You still like the ring sling but prefer to face out unless you're sleepy. Your eyes are bright blue and your eyelashes are getting thicker and longer. You're wearing mostly 3 month clothing but some 3-6 month pants, especially with cloth diapers. You still aren't sure about your carseat and will occasionally cry while in it. It's super sad and I hope you learn to like it more soon. You love being held facing out and would be content to do that all day long if possible. It's so fun to watch you grow and change every day.