A New Job

I've been working a little bit here and there as a speech pathologist since my girls were born. I do early intervention evaluations and generally do about 3-4 per month. It's a nice way to keep my foot in the door without having to commit to too much at once. 

I love being home with my girls and am so grateful I don't have to work full time. A few months ago I picked up one early intervention kiddo for feeding therapy. We've been making slow progress and I see him once a week. 

In December I noticed one of the local hospitals placed an ad for a per diem weekend speech language pathologist position. The ad was for someone to work one weekend a month. I applied because I figured it couldn't hurt. Childcare wouldn't be an issue either since W is home on weekends. 

I interviewed right before Christmas. I have zero hospital experience professionally or from graduate school and was unsure how the interview went. I interviewed with two people and one was very nice and friendly and seemed to like me while the other wasn't impressed by my lack of experience in hospitals. While in graduate school I was so convinced I only wanted to work with kids so didn't get as broad of an experience as I could have. 

Well, I was offered the job and quickly accepted. I figured it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. W could be with the girls on the weekends I worked and it might provide some nice "empathy training" for him as I called it.

I'm in the process of training/orienting now. The computer system is overwhelming as is the documentation. Let's not even mention the nature of the job. This hospital is a level 1 trauma center. They have a new and big head and neck cancer center. I'm not used to seeing people that are that sick for therapy. It's intense to say the least!

I've worked one weekend so far and am excited. Some moments I feel totally in over my head, but then I realize I still want to learn new skills and information. I'm not happy to continue to do the same thing forever as I still have a strong desire to learn. It means really going outside of my comfort zone to expand my knowledge and skills. While that is scary, it's also pretty exciting. 

Most of the job is doing bedside swallow evaluations. It's mainly determining the safest consistencies of food and drink for people who have been hospitalized for one reason or another (stroke, pneumonia, cancer, surgery, trauma, etc). I know I can do it and learn it, it will just take time. I'm excited to learn more and get a whole new level of experience. I work this weekend so am looking forward to being scared shitless again. Haha

Connected

One of the biggest things I have struggled with since having children, is feeling connected to my spouse in my marriage. Having kids definitely shifted the focus and changed things for us. 

Prior to having children, we got along great. We never really "worked" on our marriage because it didn't feel like work. Sure, life got busy at times with school, work, or our house, but nothing like having three kids in two years busy. We were still pretty able to focus on each other a lot of the time. When we went through infertility, it just brought us closer together. We worked together towards a common goal and supported each other. When things got tough, we got through it together. We were a great team. 

That's not to say we aren't now, It's just saying it's much more challenging. Between the kids and the house, there are days when I don't have a ton of patience by the time W gets home. I don't necessarily want to hear about his day at work. I don't want to give him a hug because I've had children climbing on me all day, even while I went to the bathroom. While we parent together, things still get frustrating. We argue much more easily. We don't put each other first because life is busy. Some days it just feels like we're constantly in survival mode. Between getting up multiple times at night for multiple children, a tough morning of someone being cranky, tantrums throughout the day, the house to pick up and stay on top of, the children to discipline and keep busy and from fighting, the stress of getting to activities on time and without anyone losing it, and just plain life it's tough to feel as connected as we once were. 

Most nights we try to have the house picked up before we head upstairs for our bedtime routine (baths, stories, songs, etc). That means when we get back downstairs and it's just us we don't have a ton to do. The main exception to this is folding laundry. Some nights we have that waiting for us as it's tough to find the time to fold clothes for five people. This is the time we should really be focusing on each other, but usually we're just too exhausted. We turn the t.v on and zone out to that or our phones. It's not like we ignore each other or go to different places. We are still sitting together on the couch, it's just tough to feel connected in those moments. 

To help change this we have started trying to have a regular date night. We have gone out a few nights to dinner or a movie and either had a grandparent come over or a sitter. We are still working on finding a consistent and good babysitter we can trust. I'm just sure exactly how to do that to be honest. We have tried a few different people and haven't found anyone I feel can handle my three. 

Apart from date nights we haven't done much. I'd love to unplug some of the couch at night, but I feel like we're both just so exhausted. We really don't get much time with just us. We haven't ever gone on an overnight other than to the hospital to have Stella. 

I love that W supports me in my new ideas and as a parent. He is an amazing father and provider for our family. If I want to try something new he's generally on board. If I want to eat super healthy, he's right there along with me rather than buying and eating junk like other husbands I know. He supports me emotionally, but we just don't have a ton of time for each other. There isn't a lot of time where we focus solely on the other person and their happiness. 

I guess I'm wondering how other couples stay and feel connected? Are there other things we could try or do or should I just accept that this is life with three kids two years apart? In general we communicate well, I just feel like life is too busy and difficult for the time and attention we once paid each other. At to be honest, I really miss that. 

2015 Year in Review

2015 really was the year of Stella. It's crazy to think she wasn't even conceived at this point last year and now she's already three months old. I spend the majority of 2015 pregnant and then the rest of it with a new squishy little baby. 

In January we found out we were expecting another little baby. It's was truly terrifying given my history of miscarriages and the age of Lucy and Clara.  I still laugh that I told Dr. B that I was pregnant before I told my husband. I came across the video of me telling W the other day and laughed at the shock on his face. I was still nursing and had to stop in order to start medications to sustain the pregnancy. 

We started doing PiYo and not eating any processed foods. 

I took this picture on the day I found out I was pregnant. 

In February we had our first ultrasound and trip to NYC/Long Island with the girls. We saw baby Stella as a teeny tiny embryo and were reassured everything was going well. 

The girls got to play in the snow for the first time. 

My friend nicknamed the baby "Quincy" since my husband is the fourth generation of his name and this is a nickname for the fifth. This nickname stuck for the entire pregnancy. 

In March the girls dropped at nap and started napping only once a day. They also started walking by themselves to the car which made my life so much easier. 

I took another trip to NYC by myself for an ultrasound with Dr. B and the NT scan with my OB. 

We traveled to spend time with my sister and dad for Easter. 

I remember the beginning of April being tough. Between sickness and teething, the girls were super difficult. 

We took a trip to Mexico with my mom and she landed herself in the ICU at the hospital with seizures for most of the trip. Needless to say, it wasn't the relaxing vacation we had hoped for. 

I announced my pregnancy on Facebook. 

I started interviewing other OB's and looking around to switch providers as I really wanted a VBAC. 

A good friend and her twins moved. 

In May we found out we were adding another little girl to our family. 

I took a week-long course to become a certified lactation consultant and we introduced potty training to the girls. I remember feeling a bit disappointed and isolated about the lack of play dates and fun things to do with friends. 

Mothers Day

Our announcement

Memorial Day

In June we started working on the nursery, had our first night away from the girls, and I reached viability. I also hired our doula Jen. 

July brought the failure of my 1 hour glucose test and all the drama that came with it. I was super upset during this time about failing and refused the three hour. Instead I had to test myself four times a day for two weeks. In the end I totally avoided the label, but it was really stressful to me. My "little sister" from the moms of multiples delivered her babies at 34 weeks and we spend a lot of time using her pool while she was in the hospital. Finding out the baby monitor reached to the pool was one of the best things ever. I spent many days lounging in the pool while the girls napped. It was amazing!
More good friends moved. 

One of my favorite pictures of all time

4th of July

I spent most of August planning L & C's Sesame Street themed birthday party. I celebrated my 32nd birthday and decided I wanted to switch back to my old OB. Unfortunately they wouldn't take me back so I was stuck with the new practice. 

In September we celebrated Lucy and Clara's second birthday with a Sesame Street party. Like always I invited way too many people, but luckily the weather was nice so we were able to all be outside.
 We ditched the pacifiers and seriously struggled with sleep issues for quite a few weeks until we finally let the girls cry it out. The sleep issues were seriously stressful with another baby so close to arriving. We missed W's cousin's wedding as the people we were supposed to stay with were sick and instead got sick by going to the state fair.
We went apple picking with friends.
I switched off of Lovenox and packed my hospital bag. 

Chocolate milk at the state fair

On their birthday

Apple picking

Opening presents on their actual birthday

Early October brought Stella into our lives. Her birth was a huge event of the year. I spent a few weeks feeling down and fighting off PPD, but started to feel a little more like myself by the end of the month. The girls were donuts for Halloween and Stella was a little munchkin. I reflected on how grateful I felt to have my three children, despite how crazy life felt.
We had family photos taken by my friend Stacy for the second year in a row and went pumpkin picking as our first big outing as a family of five. 

My favorite from our family photos. 

Mama and Stella

Our first official family photo. 

So little

Carving our pumpkins. 

In November we struggled with Stella's reflux and learned she likely had a hearing loss by repeated failures on hearing screenings. I spent a little time feeling bad about wanting to put my baby on a schedule, but then realized it's important to do what works for each person and family.
We celebrated Thanksgiving at home with my dad and then went to my mom's for another Thanksgiving meal that evening.
 I took Stella's to Albany to have her upper lip tie and posterior tongue ties revised. 

I tell the girls to put toys at her feet because otherwise they'll put them on her head.

Sweaters knitted by Grandma. 

In December we started to get into more of a groove. Stella failed another hearing test and we saw an ENT. We celebrated Christmas at home and the girls got new Cozy Coupe Cars, a ton of clothes, some fun flashlight books, puzzles, baby doll accessories, and a trampoline.
 I felt a bit disappointed by the professionals I hired to help me in my post partum time, but have since changed my expectations.
We went down and cut down our Christmas tree with W's cousin and family.
We were super bummed to miss another family member's wedding on New Year's Eve in NYC, but happy to have three beautiful little girls to snuggle instead.
Stella's reflux was a little more under control and she started to be a more content and happy baby.
We went to a fun Christmas party and my friend who moved in April came for a visit. 

At the Christmas tree farm. 

The past few years I answered the following questions and always enjoy reading back. I'm going to keep the tradition going. 

What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before? 

Experienced labor and contractions

Let my children cry it out after struggling with sleep issues for weeks 

Left the girls overnight 

Learned to knit

Attended our first music concert since having the girls

Did you keep your resolutions and will you make more for this year?

Last year I wanted to be healthier by cutting out sugar and processed foods. We did great at the start and then I got pregnant and the morning sickness kicked in. I spent most of my pregnancy feeling awful and sick, so eating was a real challenge. I'd like to get back to doing this again in order to feel healthier. 

Did anyone close to you give birth?

My neighbor and little sister had her twins at the end of July. 
My fertility buddy Holly finally gave birth to a little girl after seeing Dr. B and way too many loses for anyone.
 My friend Michelle was due after Christmas but didn't have her baby until 2016. 

Did anyone close to you die?

Luckily, no. 

What countries did you visit?

Mexico. We went to the Riviera Maya in April with my mom. She ended up having seizures the first night and spending most of the trip in an ICU. It didn't turn out to be the vacation we felt we so badly needed. 

What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

I would like to have more patience with the girls. I would also like to have a little time for self care as it's nothing something that's easy to find these days, yet so badly needed. 

What dates will be etched upon your memory, and why?

Feb 13- our first ultrasound for Stella with Dr B in Long Island. We booked appointments on Friday the 13th two months in a row.  

September 3- Lucy and Clara's second birthday 

October 1- the day I went into labor

October 3- the day Stella was born 

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Growing and birthing another perfect little girl. Stella is definitely my biggest achievement of the year. I also took a week long course to become a certified lactation consultant. 

What was your biggest failure?

Stella's birth felt a bit like a failure as it didn't go as I had hoped/intended.
When she was first born I also felt like a bit of a failure for wanting to have her on a schedule and not being as flexible as I hoped I would be. In the end I realized that's just the way I parent and it's not necessarily a bad thing. 

Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was pretty sick my entire pregnancy. I was on medications at first to help manage it, but eventually was able to come off of them because they gave me horrible headaches.
I struggled some with feeling down at different times during the year, but nothing too severe. 

What was the best thing you bought?

I can't honestly think of any big purchases we made this year. I think the best thing we bought were the expensive meds that helped me sustain my pregnancy with Stella. During my pregnancy with L& C my insurance covered these same meds. This time not so much. 

Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage, bills, food, car, endless amounts of cute kid things. The only thing I changed about the last sentence from last year is I changed baby to kid. 

What did you get really excited about? 

Getting pregnant spontaneously with Stella and the first time the girls got to meet her. 

What songs will always remind you of 2015?

Stitches by Shawn Mendes

Compared to this time last year are you:

Happier or Sadder? I wouldn't necessarily say sadder, but it's been a challenging and hugely life changing year. I went from having two sweet babies last year to now having two challenging toddlers and a newborn. 

Thinner or Fatter? Fatter : ( being three months post partum doesn't help that. 

Richer or Poorer? Poorer since I didn't work too much.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Enjoying my pregnancy.

What do you wish you'd done less of? 

Worring about how Stella's birth would go and about little things during my pregnancy. I wish I hadn't put so much energy into switching providers and stressed so much about the gestational diabetes. 

How did you spend Christmas?

We had a lobster dinner with just us on Christmas Eve at home. We spent Christmas morning at home and I made cinnamon buns from scratch for breakfast. W's parents came over to celebrate a little later and we opened presents with them. We went to W's Aunt's house for dinner with about 15 family members. 
We celebrated Christmas with my mom, step dad, and brother a few days earlier with dinner at my mom's house. 
We went to Albany the weekend of New Year's and got a hotel. We celebrated there with my dad, sister, step mom, BiL, and nephew. 

What was your favorite TV program?

Honesty? No idea. I watched The Office for the 100th+ time.

What was your favorite book of the year?

Wish I had gotten to read more. My friends just started up our book club again but I haven't even cracked the ginormous book that I'm supposed to have read in a few weeks.

What were your favorite films of the year?

I finally saw Inside Out and loved it. We saw The Hunger Games in the theatre but didn't love it. 

What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A successful VBAC. 

What kept you sane?

W and my friends. It seems I relate best to other moms who have twins since they seem to understand best the craziness that is life with twins. My in laws have really helped a ton since Stella arrived and are here a few days every week to help out. Without them things would be really difficult as a SAHM to three kids two and under. 

Tell us valuable lessons you learned in 2015:
Just because you plan things and want things to go a certain way doesn't mean they will. Birth is unpredictable. 
Toddlers are tough! Even though words make life with toddlers easier, it can also make it more difficult when they ask for things they can have or demand things.
The post-partum period is tough even without babies in the NICU.

2015 really was a crazy year. Lucy and Clara changed so much during that time. They started really talking and learned to use the potty. The huge surprise that was Stella entered our family and turned things upside down. I'm so grateful for this life that I have and feel so blessed and lucky to have my three beautiful little girls. I'm so amazed by how much life changes every year and I can't wait to look back on this next year to see how different everything is.