Trying to Remember

I'm having the hardest time finding the time for my blog. I'm not ready to move on from this space yet. I want to remember the good, bad, and the ugly of parenting infant twins. If I don't write it down somewhere I'm guaranteed to forget. 

Take for example the morning I was snuggling in bed with Clara. She had just eaten and was very calmly looking into my face. As I looked back at her lovingly she spit up out of her nose and into one of my eyes. Yuck!

Last night W was holding Lucy. She was obviously working on something in her diaper so he started to bicycle her legs to help her. As her pushed her legs towards her body her grunting got so intense and loud that we both cracked up laughing.

One afternoon while W was out running errands I decided I needed a shower. The girls were being pretty calm so I decided to go for it. I put them in their rock and plays just outside the bathroom with the door cracked. It was great for about 5 minutes. Then Clara started to whimper. I hurried along and by the time I was out she was crying. She did not appear to be stopping. Not just that, but she got her sister going too. Needless to say, when W arrived home I was naked, with my hair still wet, rocking both girls in the glider under one of their quilts. I guess I'm not ready for solo showers yet.

I like to bring the girls in the tub with me for their baths. It beats leaning over the tub and holding them and I love the skin to skin time. Well, as I was finishing up Lucy the other day she got a very calm look on her face and then pooped! I picked her up and jumped out of the tub so fast. Good thing Clara was already clean. 

Life moves lightening fast and at a snails pace all at once. The girls turned 2 months old this week. They are growing and changing every day. Halloween came and went and now it's November. It's hard to believe. Last time they were weighed Clara was 7.9 and Lucy was 6.6. They are filling out newborn clothes, holding up their heads, and becoming much more alert. 

The past 2 weeks or so have brought about reflux/colic/food allergies/who the heck knows with Clara. There is lot of crying and screaming and there are times when accomplishing anything other than soothing her is impossible. It's a good thing Lucy is so laid back and easy because I don't know what I'd do if they both screamed so much. It's exhausting and super frustrating but sad at the same time because it really does seem like she's in pain. We started Prevacid last week to hopefully help with the reflux. The reflux does seem better but the screaming still persists. Yesterday after hours of screaming I decided I need to cut out dairy. I had had a bunch the night before (including a root beer float) and Clara was just miserable. I will try anything to relieve us both of the crying. Thai food and Indian food have also both resulted in a miserable Clara that night and following day. 

I know it's all temporary and they will be walking and talking before I know it. I want to soak up these infant days because, to be honest, I wasn't positive I'd ever experience these moments. I just have to try to find the time to write it down so I don't forget. 

Due Date

October 15th was my 40 week due date. I started this post the day after but hadn't gotten around to publishing it yet. It's tough to find the time to write a post and then go through and edit. That much time is hard to find these days and I'd rather spend it snuggling with my girls than editing an old post.  

The girls are 7 1/2 weeks old now. Time is really passing quickly. 

 The girls turned 6 weeks old on their due date. Lucy celebrated her due date by latching and nursing without a shield for the first time. I was busy getting Clara on the other side and Lucy got impatient and decided to just go for it. She nursed for about 20 minutes without the shield and it was a huge milestone. I was so proud of her.

As much as life would be easier without having to clean and use the shields all the time, it's also super easy to get them latched and let them go once they are on. I joke that I have more free hands when I'm nursing two babies than when I'm bottle feeding one. 

The nursing is still going well. The thrush is finally better and we aren't having to sanitize as often. It took some convincing to my dr and a prescription of Diflucan, but it's hopefully gone. It was pretty unpleasant, but hopefully behind us. 

 Breastfeeding is getting easier, but I'm still pumping after feedings. I want to cut back and not have to pump after feedings, but I'm worried about changing things. Initially I was pumping after feedings in the NICU as the babies weren't eating much or emptying my breasts consistently. It was also to build up my supply some so I was prepared when the girls started to eat more. I spoke with my favorite LC q few weeks ago and she said I could start to cut out pumping sessions by skipping every other and paying attention to how full I felt after. She said if the girls didn't eat much at a feeding it was still important to pump. The thing is, we are freezing at least 20 oz a day. It's nice to have a bit of an oversupply and feel prepared for when the girls have bigger appetites, but I'm a bit sick of pumping. As sick as I am of it I know things are going really well. It's scary to change something when it's going so well. I'm so worried about not having enough for them. I typically pump for about 20 mins after a feeding and get anywhere from 2-4 oz. We recently stopped giving a bottle in the middle of the night so rarely even used the pumped milk. It generally goes into the deep freezer. Basically I'm making enough milk for 3 babies. 

I use a double nursing pillow and the girls are such great eaters (as long as they have the shields). I tandem feed them about 98% of the time. I always try them without the shields first and then offer them. We've had quite a few nursing sessions without them, but using them is really no big deal. It's actually quite easy at this point. I know though that the girls are getting bigger and better at nursing without them so I should really work on it more. To be honest, I just use the shield right away at night. It's much easier than trying to get frantic hungry babies to latch on to flat nipples. 

The girls are doing so well. A week ago Lucy weighed 5 pounds 12 ounces, up from 3 pound 15 ounces at birth. She is a little grunter and makes so much noise when she eats or sucks on her pacifier. It's so funny. She also makes the funniest little faces and is able to open her eyes so wide it amazes me. She's getting so strong with her neck and moves her head all around during tummy time. She is mellow and easy-going most of the time unless she has gas. When that happens she cries for under a minute and then falls back asleep. She isn't falling asleep too easily the past few nights, but rocking her tends to help. She's very laid back. 

Clara is a little squealer. Last week she weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces, up form 4 pounds 11 ounces at birth. She likes to be held more and is more fussy overall. She loves her swing and looking intently at faces. She's starting to look and feel less like a preemie and more like a newborn baby. I'm not sure if her eyes will stay blue as they are pretty dark now. She loves to cover her face with her arm while she is nursing. We have started to talk about the possibility of reflux as she spits up a lot and is generally very unhappy about it. Quite often within a hour of her last meal you will find her screaming and it's very hard to console her. She will even spit up out of her nose while she is eating sometimes. She makes sounds like she is trying to clear her throat and a few times and choked and coughed because she spit up. She's such a little piggy she can't even stop eating to throw up. When she's upset the only thing that calms her down is walking her around the whole house or rocking her in the glider in her room. She's definitely not as easy going as her sister. 

W is such an amazing daddy. It worked out well that he lost his job. I never thought I'd say that, but the timing was really great. His last day at his job was actually the day I delivered the girls. He's been off since then and will start his new job next Thursday. I'm both scared and excited to fly solo with the girls. It's crazy that my husband got more time off than a lot of women do when they have their babies. I am so grateful that we got all that time together as a family to bond and figure things out. I don't know what I would have done without all of his support. He really is so much help and I know I will miss him terribly when he goes back to work. He does a lot of burping and diaper changing. I think things are just going to take a lot longer when he's not here to help. I'm a little worried about what I will do when both babies are screaming, but I also realize that some of that it to be expected. There are times when both babies want or need something and I'm only one person. Luckily, both mine and W's mom's are just a phone call away. We still need to figure out what we will do at night, but I think only time will tell how much he's able to help or not. 

We got a new car yesterday. It's an SUV with third row seating. W's dad attends automobile auctions and got a great deal on it. I can't wait to drive it! It's a Mazda cx9 and has a lot of really nice features. I still really miss my Subaru, but I was going to get a new car anyway. We were just going to sell W's car and he was going to take over my Subaru. I'm sad I don't have the option to drive it at all anymore.  

I also had my 6 week check up with my ob this past week. W came along and we brought the babies so the dr's and nurses could see the babies they helped deliver and get here. I didn't think I would need a full exam given the fact that I only had a c section, but I guess I was wrong. I was glad I had devoted some time to shaving my legs that morning. Everything was great and I was cleared to resume all activities. W and I had sex for the first time last time since the early days of my pregnancy. When I was pregnant we were both too worried of something going wrong so we didn't have much sex. It was short lived last night and a little uncomfortable, but it felt nice to feel like adults together again. I've lost most of the weight I gained while pregnant but definitely don't look the same. I'd like to exercise some but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm nervous about it affecting my milk supply. It's getting much colder here so I'm not sure about taking the girls for walks when it's so cold.

Time is passing so quickly and my girls are getting so big! No more preemie clothes around here, they are both in newborn. Switching to cloth diapers definitely helped to make that jump. We are likely going to donate all of the preemie clothes to the NICU so other babies can wear them. I know Clara and Lucy wore a lot of their clothes while they were there. 

W and I are trying to enjoy our last few days home together with the girls. Hopefully I'll figure things out quickly once he goes back to work. 

I'll leave you with some photos from around and on their due date. 

Big girls on their due date.

With my friend Tamara's baby Carmine on their play mat. 

My brother (Uncle Sean) holding Clara

Cloth diapers and leggings are so cute, especially x2. 

mmmm....your head tastes delicious!

A picture of them as 5 day old embryos. So, who is who?

4 Years

On Thursday, 10/10 W and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. Both of our moms came over to our house to watch the girls while we went out to dinner. We went to a fine dining Italian restaurant and had an amazing meal. It was weird to leave the girls and go somewhere without them. When we left both grandma's had a baby in hand and when we returned they were still being held but they had switched babies.

We've been through a lot the past 4 years. When we got married we never thought things could be so difficult. We went through 3 miscarriages, 2 IUI's, 5 IVF's, 3 FET's, and 19 embryos before we got our girls. It wasn't easy, but we went through it all hand in hand, supporting each other every step of the way. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful husband and the girls are so lucky to have such a great daddy. 

1 Month Old

I can't believe Clara and Lucy are a month old today. I can't say enough times how grateful I am for them and how lucky I feel to be their mommy. 

Today we took them to the grocery store for the first time. W had Clara in her carseat in the cart and I wore Lucy in the Moby wrap. So many people stopped us and had to talk to us. As we were checking out about 5 different employees (all women of course) came over and had to talk to us and look at them. 

Yesterday when we went to the pumpkin patch an employee was so amazed by them. She said what a miracle they were and said how it made her want to cry. She then turned around as she teared up.

 I look at them in complete awe multiple times a day. They are just so amazing.

Lucy- You are still our little peanut. From the first time I laid eyes on you I was so amazed by how much you resemble your daddy. Your cheeks are getting bigger and last week in a matter of 3 days you gained 5 oz. You grunt quite often and we lovingly refer to you as "old man Lucy" as you grunt, have a receding hairline, have no teeth, fart a lot, and furrow your brow often. We joke that you are a glimpse into W's future about 50 years from now. You are getting better at figuring out how to work your eyes, but make so many funny faces all the time. You love looking at yourself in the mirror on your play mat and are starting to look at our faces more. You love to pee when daddy takes off your diaper and you really like the bath. When I put you into the moby wrap you sigh with such contented sounds. It's one of the cutest things ever. You love your paci and get so mad when we take it away. Your really don't like it when we put Clara squishes you. I guess you had enough of that with her being on top of you for 34 weeks in my belly. Your skin is absolutely perfect and you have such dainty little features. Your eyes are really blue and I'm hoping they stay that way. I'm so amazed by you and love you so much. Daddy is so proud of how much you look like him. 

Clara- You are starting to feel heavy when I pick you up. You love to eat and sometimes hardly even open your eyes before you start eating. You're getting better at eating from the bottle and chug and choke a little less. You squeak all the time and love to snuggle with mommy. It always calms you down when you are upset. You are looking more and more like me every day and really resemble your cousin Benny. Your Aunt Kate can't believe how much you look like him. You love looking at our faces and I swear you are so close to smiling at us. You smile all the time in your sleep. Unfortunately, you seem to have gotten more of my hormones and your skin is breaking out a little bit. You've had sensitive skin since you were born and it peeled a lot while in the hospital. You also got thrush but it's improving. You always get so calm when we put your next to Lucy and when you're upset and crying my voice almost always calms you down. You also love your bath. You are so amazing and we can't believe how much we love you.  

It's amazing the connection the girls already seem to have. They love to grunt back and forth and will often do it from across the room. They sleep together in our room in a cradle and really seem to like being with each other. They are both sleeping well at night and we often have to wake them up to get them to eat. I can't wait until we can let them sleep for longer periods of time. 

This past month has been one of the best ones ever. It took a lot to get these girls here but it was all so worth it. 

Would Have, Could Have

Yesterday was October 1st. This was the date that we would have scheduled my c-section had I made it that far. 

I was attached to the idea of October babies. We got married in October. We bought our house in October. Good things have happened in October. I loved the idea of my girls having their birthday in October. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way. 

One of the things I learned through my job and working with young children and families is that part of being a mommy is feeling guilt about a variety of things quite frequently. It's not the best part of being a mommy by any means, but it comes with the job. 

I still feel guilt about how the babies were born. When crashed my car I was talking on my phone to my sister. I'm not sure where you live, but in the state of NY it's illegal to drive and talk on your phone. I'm sure it was part of why I was distracted and didn't react quickly enough. I feel guilty that my poor decisions lead to the early birth of my children. 

I haven't told many people that part of the story. 

I'm hoping that since the 1st has passed I will start to feel less guilt. They would be here now had they not been born 4 weeks ago. 

There's no way to know how much longer I would have been pregnant for. I may have only made it another day and my body may have decided it was ready. Or, it may have gone another 4 weeks past that day. 

I'll never forgot rubbing my belly and feeling the girls move for the last time inside me as they wheeled me down for my c section. 

I hope I feel better as time goes on and that I stop blaming myself for how things unfolded that day. If anything, I certainly learned not to talk and drive any more. 

Last night I dreamt I had a horrible car accident. One of the girls was bigger and waiting for me at the end of the road when I lost control and crashed my car really badly. 

I'm sure things will get better in time and the day will fade as the girls grow. But, for now, I can't help but feel guilty about it all.

W's mom knitted these adorable pumpkin hats. 

We took them to the pumpkin patch today. Expanding the yearly tradition to include them is amazing!

I can't believe Clara and Lucy will be 1 month old tomorrow. I feel so lucky to have them in my life. 

Breast feeding

No one ever really talks about how difficult breast feeding is. The only inkling I had from reading other infertility blogs of people who had "crossed over". I read many accounts of people who struggled and never found a blogger who successfully breast fed twins. 

This article recently explained exactly how much help and support most people need in order to be successful with breast feeding. As much as having the girls in the NICU was incredibly difficult, I'm so grateful it brought me into contact with the lactation consultation Char. I'm a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. I'm positive that without Char I would not still be breast feeding. 

As part of our discharge from the NICU the doctor offered to send a home health nurse to the house to weigh the girls for the first two weeks. We gladly accepted and waited to hear from someone once we got home. 

Last Tuesday a nurse named Sue called me. We spoke briefly over the phone and she informed me that she was also a lactation consultation in addition to a nurse. I'm not going to lie, over the phone I didn't like her at all. She seemed a bit critical of how we were doing things; using a shield to nurse the girls, keeping them on a schedule, etc. We made an appointment for her to come over on Friday morning to weigh the girls and we scheduled it around a feeding time so we could get her input. 

On Thursday evening I noticed that Clara's tongue was a little white. I didn't think much of it but took note. That night while nursing I noticed that my nipples were super sensitive, almost itchy while the girls were feeding, and I had some weird sensations while pumping that were like super quick little shooting pains in my breasts. I didn't think much of that either to be honest. 

The nurse Sue came Friday morning and really redeemed herself. As soon as she saw how little the girls were and when I demonstrated my attempts to get Clara to latch without the shield I think she understood. She saw that their mouths are really small and that she really struggled without it. She was very positive about how the girls were gaining weight so well and how great they did nursing.

I had been doing a lot of reading about breast feeding and came across information on thrush. When the nurse came on Friday I mentioned Clara's tongue to her and she took a look. We got some wet gauze and tried to remove the residue on her tongue to no avail. She then asked if I had any symptoms. When she told me what they were I knew something was up. She told me she would call the pediatrician's office with the weights but also tell them about the thrush. She was hoping they would go ahead and treat it without making us go to the office. She also told me that Lucy and I would also need to be treated or else we could all pass it back and forth. 

I called the pediatricians office around 1:00. They wanted to see the girls and scheduled us an appointment for 2:50. I then asked if they would be able to treat me and they told me no so I called my primary and scheduled an appointment for 2:00. We quickly fed the girls, I pumped, and we dashed out the door to my appointment. 

My primary looked at my nipples and said they would be happy to treat it and call in the prescription cream to my pharmacy. I brought one girl into the exam room and W waited in the waiting room with the other. 

From there we headed to the pediatrician. We had been earlier in the week and were pleased with the Dr. Rather than seeing the Dr. they had us see a PA. She examined Clara and didn't seem convinced. She was really looking for lesions on her cheeks, lips, or gums and found nothing. She then said she wanted to call the Dr. in to get his opinion. When he came in he also looked and then concluded that he didn't think Clara had it. He said he would bet that she didn't but was willing to treat the girls if we really wanted. They asked us what we wanted to do and I was suddenly completely unsure. They said they would give us a few minutes to think about it and stepped out. 

W was more inclined to not treat it, especially if they didn't have it. I was super confused and faced one of my first tough mommy decisions. We decided since we would be back on Monday that we didn't necessarily have to treat it immediately. We could wait and see. When the PA came back in I asked her if she would look at me to see the whole picture and she said she couldn't since I wasn't a patient there. We left without the prescription for the girls and with me confused and overwhelmed and practically in tears. 

When we got home I saw I had missed a call from the nurse Sue. She wanted to know how we made out at the pediatrician and I called her back and told her. She was super frustrated and said she was  quite sure Clara and I both had it. She urged me to treat all of us and we talked for a bit. When we hung up I was even more confused. I had the home health nurse/LC and my primary telling me I had thrush and needed to treat it and the pediatrician betting we didn't have it. Since it was close to 4:30 at that point I asked W to call the pediatrician and get the script called in for the girls. That way we had it and could decide from there. 

At that point I pulled out Char's card and gave her a call. She was so happy to hear from me and wanted to know how we were all doing. She also told me that it was her first day back in over a week and that morning she had gotten my card. She said she was so touched by my card that it made her cry. We chatted for a few minutes and then I asked her about the thrush. When she asked about symptoms and I described what was going on she was quick to confirm what my gut was telling me; Clara and I definitely had thrush and we needed to treat it ASAP. 

She gave me a lot of instructions on sterilizing the shields and pumping equipment, using a vinegar and water solution to wash my nipples before and after every feeding, how long to take the medications for, what to do with my frozen breast milk during this time, etc. She was, as always, incredibly helpful. 

W ran to the pharmacy and picked up all of the medications. I will need to use a cream on my nipples four times a day for two weeks and the girls needs to have the same medicine in oral form also four times a day. 

I'm so glad we are being proactive about things. I don't want to wait until the girls mouths are covered in lesions before we take action. I was in enough discomfort already. 

I'm feeling a bit better. I'm less sensitive and nursing hurts a little less. I also noticed on Saturday that Lucy's tongue has the smallest little bits of whiteness on it. 

I didn't think breast feeding was going to come with so many challenges, but I'm so grateful for both lactation consultations who I've met. They really know what they are talking about. We are now 27 days into exclusively breast feeding and I couldn't be prouder. It hasn't been easy, but I will persevere, especially with support. 

They're Home

The girls behaved themselves their last few days in the hospital, passed their carseat tests, and made it home yesterday afternoon. They spent 18 days total in the NICU.

It's so amazing to be home and to have them here with us. W has been such a good daddy and is a great burping/diaper changing partner.

For the last night at the hospital we brought the nurses a big box of coffee from Dunkin Donuts and a bunch of chocolate. The morning of their discharge we stopped at a bakery and brought a whole bunch of goodies. We got cards for our 3 favorite nurses and left them at the nurses station. I can't begin to thank them for being so great to our girls. They were so amazing in so many ways. One of our favorites came down to say goodbye to the girls and gave them big hugs before we left.

Our first night home went pretty well. Clara was pretty fussy from about 11:30 pm-1 am. We are trying to follow the NICU schedule of feedings every 3 hours so we tried to let her fuss some but then broke down and picked her up. I ended up rocking her in the nursery and that put her back to sleep. From 1-10 am they woke up every 3 hours to eat and then went right back to sleep.

For the 1 am feeding we gave them bottles to make it a little quicker. I'm still pumping after nursing them so the whole routine takes a little over an hour.

We purchased the Snuza Halo baby monitors which gave us huge peace of mind last night. They clip to their diapers and monitor their breathing. If it doesn't sense movement for 15 seconds it vibrates. If another 5 seconds pass without movement it sounds an alarm. I can't recommend them highly enough.

I just feel so lucky and blessed to have these girls. It's still somewhat surreal that they are ours.

Bittersweet/Angel in Disguise

The girls are 16 days old today and getting closer and closer to being discharged.

Yesterday was our first tentative release date that came and went with the girls still in the NICU. Last weekend they decided the girls would be able to go home on Wednesday as long as everything went well. Lucy continued to have a few bradycardia episodes but all were brief and self resolved. Then Clara got upset one night and her nurse gave her her paci. She began to suck on it so hard she forgot to breathe and started to desaturate. Even when the nurse took it away she still didn't take a breath until she was prompted to. This bought her a few more days automatically.

Last weekend I continued to work closely with the LC/RN Char. She didn't feel like Lucy was ready to go and she was straightforward about advocating for her to stay. She was off the day following Clara's episode but was glad to hear they would both stay a few more days when she came back.

Char worked 5 out of 6 days in a row and every day we grew that much closer to her. As a speech language pathologist I have a lot of interest in feeding. I was eager to learn as much from her as possible. Even though she has 42 years of experience I was amazed at how she could take one look at my girls and know exactly what they needed.

We started to work on getting Clara to latch without the shield, something I still haven't been successful at without her. When Clara bought herself more time I figured it was ok because it meant more time to work with Char. This was what would make staying there more bearable.

Char was off on Tuesday and despite my best efforts I was unsuccessful latching Clara. On Wednesday she was back and we knew we'd get some more practice. With the first feeding Char told us this was her last day working for a week. With a new tentative discharge date of Saturday it meant this was our last day with her.

Suddenly our prolonged stay didn't seem as great and saying goodbye to my favorite staff member was imminent. I spent all day holding back tears and dreading our goodbye.

We stayed until 5:30 when I knew her shift was over. I told her we hoped to not see her agaIn and that we needed to say goodbye. She came out and gave me a huge hug. The tears started streaming down my cheeks at that point. I thanked her for all of her help and she told me I couldn't cry because it would make her cry. At that point I knew I had to get out of there before I totally lost it. At I walked away I glanced back and saw her saying goodbye to my girls. I heard her tell them she loved them.

I made it out if the hospital before I started sobbing. That night was incredibly rough. I cried a lot more than I had in days. Each time I got up to pump the tears would stream down my face and falling back asleep was difficult. I sobbed and sobbed in Walt's arms until I fell asleep.

This morning wasn't much different but once i got out of the house it really helped. I can't help but cry as I write this. I never thought I could be so upset about saying goodbye to someone.

I plan to write Char a thank you letter and tell her how special she was to us during our stay in the NICU. I don't feel like I can thank her enough. I have her email and contact info but know how busy she is when she's there. I'm hoping we can keep in contact with her.

Now we keep our fingers crossed that we get to bring our girls home on Saturday and that we aren't still there for her next shift.

The world needs more special people like her.

Updates From the NICU

The girls are doing great. They are 11 days old today and both still in the NICU.

I started tandem nursing on Wednesday. By Thursday night Lucy was struggling. She was going strong for about 5 minutes and then losing steam and falling asleep. W would help as much as possible by burping her, rubbing her feed, or trying to wake her up. This would often work to wake her up, but then getting her latched again was difficult. 

On Thursday night I tried to nurse the girls but had to swallow my pride and give Lucy a bottle as she wasn't having success with nursing. I had to do what was best for my girl, not what I wanted. Getting the bottle into her wasn't easy either, but with a lot of persistence I succeeded. 

 The LC Charlene was off on Thursday but luckily was there on Friday. We talked about little Lucy in the morning and made a strategy. She said it was best to alternative every other feeding between the breast and the bottle. This way Lucy wasn't getting so tired nursing and we were making sure she was still getting full feedings. On Friday she had fewer dirty diapers and was very low energy. She also looked more jaundiced. Over these few days she also had quite a few bradycardia episodes where her heart rate would slow down. Most were self corrected, but it was obvious she was tired and working too hard. 

I cried quite a bit over this setback. Things went so well on Wednesday but it all was a little much for her. I didn't want to push her too much and knew I had to back off and do what was best for her. 

At the same time her sister Clara really took off. For feedings she was going for 25 minutes on the breast without any problems. She practically didn't even need me to hold her head. We would pull her out of her isolette and W would hand her to me, gaping mouth, ready to nurse. She was our little champ. 

To my surprise the LC is also an RN and was also working today so she requested she be assigned to the girls. That way we could work more on feedings and she could observe the girls more closely. She is so amazing and experienced and I feel so lucky to have her there to help us and take care of the girls. We woke up for the 7:00 AM feeding this morning because we planned to go to the mom's of multiples consignment sale at 9:30. 

I was up to pump at 2:00 AM and 5:00 AM and then we got up at 6:20. The 45 minutes between the last pumping session and waking up was rough. I was so emotional today and Charlene pointed out that  the less sleep I got the more I'd be crying. She wasn't lying. 

We found out today that Clara is going to move into an open crib tomorrow and will likely be discharged 48 hours later. Lucy is not ready for an open crib yet. Finding this out broke my heart. I never thought the girls would be discharged at different times. 

This afternoon we came home to nap and W and I snuggled together while I cried. We decided we aren't going to say that Clara is "coming home" since we aren't going to be at our house. We will be bringing the girls home together when Lucy is ready as well. Until then we will continue to stay at my in-laws house. It makes me sad to think that I had matching outfits to bring them home in and that we are going to be leaving Lucy without her sister for the first time. 

I'm a little worried about how I'm going to manage one here and one in the NICU. I'm sure we'll figure it out, but it's not how I pictured things. None of this is how I pictured it though.

Hopefully Lucy won't be far behind. I can't wait for us all to be together in our own house for the first time.

I never thought this time period in the NICU would be so tough. I'm hanging in there and doing my best, but it's not easy. Just like infertility, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

Week 1

I know I'm a little late, but it's hard to find the time to update these days. To be completely honest, the past 9 days have been a bit of a blur. It's hard to keep what happened on what day straight. It feels like I'm on a roller coaster ride with post-partum hormones mixed into all of the emotions of having the girls in the NICU and having to leave them there. I've had a couple cry-fests and it hasn't been easy. Leaving the hospital was really hard because it meant leaving them behind. There was another night that I totally lost it and bawled on W's chest. 

The day after the girls were born Clara needed some help with her breathing. Her little chest would rise and fall so fast so they put a nasal cannula with oxygen on her. It was so hard to visit with her because even touching her would agitate her and make her respiratory rates increase. There was one night where she had a horrible nurse who scared me when she talked about intubation and chest tubes. I was so scared to visit her the next morning for fear of finding her in worse shape, but to my surprise the next morning her settings were reduced.

At the same time Lucy was doing great. I was able to hold her quite a bit and at some point we started working with the lactation consultant. Lucy started in the most intensive part of the NICU (nursery A) because her IV was through her umbilical cord, but she quickly moved to the least intensive part (nursery G).

After I think 4 days Clara come off the oxygen. It was so nice to see her little face without everything on it and to be able to hold her and start to bond with her. I was feeling guilty at first because I felt so much more bonded to Lucy. After about 5 days she was also moved to nursery G right next to her sister. 

After a few days both girls were put under the lights to reduce billi levels. Since then they have come out of the lights, but their levels are still a bit elevated. They are planning to check again tomorrow, so they may end up back under the lights.

Yesterday I tandem fed the girls for the first time. Each feeding since I've tandem fed. The lactation consultant in the NICU is just so amazing. She is super knowledgeable and so helpful. I'm using a shield on both sides because my nipples are flat, but the girls do great with them. I'm hoping at some point I won't need them, but it's fine for now with W helping. It is so amazing to see them looking at each other and to be holding them at the same time. I honestly have no idea how I fit that much baby in my belly. They are both nursing really well and I couldn't be prouder of them. I'm also pumping after each feeding and building up a bit of a stash in the NICU.

The nurses do "care times" every 3 hours. This is when they get their vital signs checked, get their diapers changed, and get fed. These times fall at 7, 10, 1, and 4 for both AM and PM. We typically are there for the 10 AM, 1 PM, 4 PM, and 10 PM times. At the other times the nurses bottle feed the girls and I pump. We are staying at my in-law's house because it is about 10 minutes away. I haven't been home since the morning of the accident. I miss being at my house and sleeping in my bed so badly, but it's worth it to be close.

The girls are both still in isolettes. In order to go home they need to move into open cribs and then have no issues for 48 hours. To move to the open cribs they both need to increase their feedings a bit and maintain their temperatures. Last night we each gave a girl a sponge bath and they weighed them. Lucy stayed the same and Clara gained a little bit. Lucy has had a few episodes of bradycardia the past few days where her heart rate drops. Most are self resolved, but she has needed some stimulation a few times. Unfortunately last night she also had an apnea episode and need stimulation to recover. The nurse said this guarantees her 5 more days in the NICU.

That's what I have for now. I'll leave you with some more pictures.

Wearing the hats grandma made them. Lucy on the left, Clara on the right. 

First days with Lucy. Love this photo of us. 

First days of Clara

kisses for Clara

Fist time holding the girls at the same time.

W holding the girls for the first time.

First family photo.

If you don't want to see my boobs, you may want to stop look at pictures here. 

First time tandem feeding. Hope my boobs don't offend you. 

Working with the LC.

Yup, my boobs are well documented these days.

Reaching their hands towards each other.