Compromised Fertility

Fighting the Good Fight

2012-03-08T20:29:00.000-05:00

The Hysterosonogram is done. It wasn't fun and it was worse than I remembered. But it's done and I'm happy for that. First I was taken to the room where they do the dye test. At my old clinic this was something they did while I was knocked out for a lap surgery so I have zero recollection. It also was done at the hospital. My new clinic has the machine right there. I guess they also do the hysterosonogram test in that room. They took my blood and had me undress from the waist down and lie on the table. The nurse then told me she was going to put in the speculum and catheter. I'm not sure if she is missing a vagina or what, but she didn't seem to have the angle right. It took her a few painful tries but she finally got it in. The painful speculum experience was new. Uncomfortable? Sure. But headed in the wrong direction and painful? New. She then inserted the catheter which was accompanied with a little cramping but nothing bad. And then she left the room to get the doc.

Laying on a bed with a catheter in you all alone and waiting for someone is fun. It was Dr. Greene again (the RE who did my retrieval and transfer) and he apologized for how things worked out previously. What was different this time around is they also inserted a balloon with the catheter. He coached me on deep yoga breathing prior to starting and then told me to start breathing deep. As soon as he inflated the thing the cramping was pretty bad. He had the nurse snap some still photos and then it was done.

He told me everything looked great. No polyps, no fibroids, and no possible explanation for the chemical. He had me lie there for another 5 minutes and then the nurse came back and I got dressed. I remembered at that time I wanted to ask him about progesterone (IM vs suppositories). He was happy to talk to me and gave me a detailed explanation that I accept. I don't remember all of the small points and I'm not sure you don't really care that much. Short and simple, for women under 35 studies show that the suppositories are more successful and effective. They lead to much higher progesterone levels in the uterus when endometrial biopsies are performed, regardless of what the blood levels indicate. Also, using the suppositories can help to determine when the placenta has taken over and when the suppositories can be stopped since the levels start to climb by quite a bit. I was satisfied. He then patted/rubbed my back, apologized for our chemical pregnancy, and told me to "Keep fighting the good fight." I've never really thought of it as a good fight, but I'll sure keep fighting.

I thought my period was done but today's fun adventure in infertility land brought it back out. It's mostly just spotting at this point, but annoying that it's back.

I found out today that one of the families I work with is pregnant. They didn't tell me, but told the special education teacher. They already have 2 boys and are both 24 years old. I guess she is concerned it is twins since her levels are high. The worst part? She is 6 weeks pregnant (one week earlier than what I could have been). Now I get to watch her announce her pregnancy early, complain about it, and proceeding to have a baby before me. Sure, pregnancy is common in my job. I work with young children so their parents are popping out more like it's going out of style. I can think of two other families where the mom is pregnant right now. It doesn't normally bother me, but the timing of this stings a bit.

Also on Facebook I have a friend who posted a positive digital test the same week I got mine. To have the confidence to post a positive test on Facebook when you first get it is insane to me. She posted today complaining about morning sickness and then again later saying her first ultrasound is next week. I just can't fathom this confidence and nonchalance towards pregnancy. I'm insanely jealous of these two people who are going to have successful pregnancies and bring home babies in October.

The past two days haven't been the greatest. The reality of still trudging through infertility waters has hit a little harder. I'm so ready to be through it all and to move on. To get pregnant and stay pregnant. To have a baby and not worry about taking an insane amount of meds, monitoring appointments, blood work, uncomfortable procedures, and jealousy. Until I get there though, I will continue to "fight the good fight."

Back Up and Ready for More Punches

2012-03-05T22:40:00.000-05:00

Remember those punching bag inflatable things from when you were a kid? The bottom was filled with sand and the rest with air. I remember getting one for Easter one year. I think it was a bunny and I remember feeling bad hitting it too hard. I'm sure you can figure where I'm going with this. That punching bag that quickly pops back up? Yeah, that's what I feel like.

I've recently taken some harder hits than I threw as a kid. But, I'm back up and ready for some more abuse. I'm just hoping I don't pop anytime soon.

Today was an insanely long day. My appointment was at 7:30 and after I had to drop off paperwork at my boss' house. From there I saw 8 kids for therapy. There was a meeting thrown in there as well and a cancellation I wasn't informed of, so I still drove all the way to the daycare. I came home and took a nice nap on the couch.

My appointment was fine today. They drew blood and checked all of my levels: progesterone (0.6), estrogen (<20), LH (.47), TSH (2.45) FSH (4.1), and HCG (4.1). I asked about polyps and that being a possible factor in a chemical pregnancy. The NP said she didn't see any on ultrasound. I then informed her that I had them in the past and that they were only visible with the hysterosonogram. She asked if that was something I was interested in repeating and I said it was.

I was given the all clear to start estrogen today since my HCG level was low enough. I am supposed to take it 3x's/day. With my last frozen transfer I took it once a day and remember it made me pretty nauseous. I hope it is better this time around. I also start back up on baby aspirin and dexamethasone. It was a nice 4 days off.

I have another appointment this Thursday to recheck my HCG levels and to do the hysterosonogram. I am hoping I don't have any polyps, but I need to do this for my own peace of mind. I have another appointment for the following Wednesday where they will check my lining and I will do intralipids. It is an IV and takes about an hour and a half. W is requesting the afternoon off from work so he can be there to keep me company. From there, as long as everything looks good we can schedule the transfer. The NP today a possible day could be the 19th. Looks like I will be spending some of my 2WW in Mexico. Yes please!

Was it Just a Dream?

2012-03-04T22:10:00.000-05:00

Being pregnant this time around doesn't even really feel like it happened. It was so short lived and not full of much excitement or joy. I asked W today if it ever even really happened.

AF showed early this morning after a week of pretty bad lower back pain and cramping. This had started prior to stopping my meds but I brushed it off. I don't usually get back pain with my periods so this has been super unpleasant. Today wasn't the most fun. I broke out the heating pad and snuggled with that for a bit on the couch. Lots of heavy bleeding and clots paired with cramps and lower back pain...good times. I was surprised by how quickly AF showed though (3 days after stopping my meds).

I have an appointment tomorrow for a repeat beta and they said if I had started bleeding they could also do an ultrasound. Love those dates with "wandy" while AF is visiting.

The past few days have been ok. I was honestly more upset when my beta didn't double than I have been after finding out about the chemical pregnancy. Sure, another miscarriage sucks, but I guess I was prepared somewhat for that fate.

We have had lots of good distractions and delicious eating. Friday night we went out to dinner and saw The Lorax in 3-D. I really liked it and had a great time. Saturday afternoon we went to the Syracuse basketball game and then to my in-laws for dinner. Today we just hung out mostly due to AF. I'm amazed at my ability to smile and laugh so soon after such as crappy few weeks.

Here are some of the delicious things I have enjoyed the past few days:

Sushi and wine

MMMM.. coffee.

bagel with lox

Greek pasta salad. See those delicious hunks of feta?

Not Good

2012-03-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

Today was my first ultrasound. From the title of this post, I'm sure you can tell it didn't go well. I was shaking like crazy and my pulse was super high. They first drew blood and then we started the ultrasound. W was there, holding my hand watching along with me.

I knew what we were looking for. After a few seconds, the technician turned the screen more towards herself. She looked and looked, and didn't find anything. There was a small spot that she said could be a gestational sac, but it was really small. We talked about dates, and then she agreed there should at least be a larger gestational sac as well as a fetal pole. None of those things were present.

She said she couldn't say for sure what was going on and that we had to wait for my HCG results. If my levels continued to rise I would have to return for another scan. There was still a chance for an ectopic pregnancy as well.

We talked about whether I had frozen embryos and agreed that things weren't looking good based on the fact that I was supposed to be 6w1d.

W's face dropped and as he walked out he looked so sad. I felt awful. We sat in the car and said nothing for a while. It definitely wasn't the way we wanted things to go today.

We went out for breakfast and talked about everything. I had a call from the clinic while we were there and I listened to the voicemail. On the message she said my HCG levels had dropped and for me to call her back. I was honestly glad we weren't going to be stuck in more beta hell and have to repeat the ultrasound.

I called back and talked to the NP. She said my HCG levels had dropped to 16.8 and to stop all of my meds. She said I should get a period within 1-2 weeks, but perhaps sooner. I have to go back monday to get my HCG levels checked again. I asked about a RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) panel, but since this pregnancy is considered chemical, she didn't think insurance would cover the cost. She welcomed me to call the financial advisor to find out. She then said we could treat the next cycle as if I do have RPL issues. We will use Lovenox and probably add IV intralipids. Apparently these help to suppress the immune system.

We then talked about a FET. I guess I can go ahead the next cycle, but with our vacation (last week of March), I'm not sure how the timing will work out. She said once I get my period and my HCG is negative, I could start estrogen.

I can't say I'm extremely surprised. When my initial levels were low and didn't double Dr. Google did not give me promising news. Apparently only about 15% of pregnancies that don't double in a timely fashion turn out OK. Big surprise I fall into the 85%.

Bring on the hot baths, wine, and sushi.

Harder Than I Thought

2012-02-24T19:38:00.002-05:00

I'm terrified. Pregnancy after miscarriage has not been easy thus far for me. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, but I'm having a really hard time doing that. I think if my initial beta numbers had been better, I would be able to relax more. Or maybe I'm just a worrier when it comes to certain things. Things that are completely out of my control, those kinds of things.

On Wednesday evening I woke up from a nap to find brown spotting on my panty liner. I spoke to the nurses the following day and they said it was nothing to worry about since it was brown and likely just old blood. I can't help but feel like any blood is bad. On Thursday night when I took out my Crinone applicator it had fresh blood on it. It lasted only about 5 more minutes of really light pink, but it was enough to ruin my night. I'm pretty sure I may have just nicked myself trying to remove old Crinone prior to putting in the new one though. That night when I put in my estrogen it felt like one little spot was a bit sensitive. I also have nails at this point, so I'm hoping that's what happened. The brown spotting has mostly gone away, but the bits of Crinone that come out continue to be brown. I'm trying not to "clean house" as often to avoid what happened the other night.

I wish I could be more positive and relaxed about things, but I repeat several times a day the phrase "this is terrifying" to my husband. Poor guy.

I think the missed miscarriage is what gets to me. I was going along thinking everything was fine, and then I got blindsided that my baby had died 2 weeks prior. Oh yeah, and yesterday was exactly 1 year from the horrible day that I got that news.

I still certainly feel pregnant, but I try not to read too much into it. It seems like whenever W and I talk about the future I get a good scare. I guess it's a sign I need to stay in the present and not plan too much ahead. That's the only way I can imagine really enjoying being pregnant though. Planning all of the great things that it could mean.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday at 9:00. I'm hoping I can make it until then and keep my sanity. I'm hoping we get great news. I also have a blood draw for which I'm scared of. Ugghh, I thought I was going to be able to enjoy this a lot more. Hopefully I will get to that point, I'm just not there yet.

Beta #3

2012-02-20T20:17:00.000-05:00

Beta #3 is in and it's good news. I am so relieved and couldn't be happier. My beta went from 63 on Friday to 175 today. That is a doubling time of 48 hours!!

I feel badly for being so pessimistic about things. I know we aren't even remotely in the clear, but I'm able to breathe a sigh of relief at least for today.

I slept horribly last night and had awful dreams. I was running away and hiding. I was too scared to POAS like I had originally planned so had no idea going into my beta this morning.

So for today I am hopeful and positive about this pregnancy. When we first got the positive W and I were arguing about whether it was "round" or "pointy" that decided to stick around. When the number didn't rise by much I sided with him and said it was "pointy". I think we are both in agreement that it is "pointy" now. W even went so far as to say he hit puberty late and didn't start his career until he was 30. That was him trying to be positive over the weekend.

Thanks so much for the amazing support lately. I think without your positivity I would have been a complete mess. Sorry "pointy" for counting you out so early when you were just a late bloomer like your daddy.

Trying My Best

2012-02-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been tough overall. I'm ready to get some answers tomorrow although I realize it may not be black or white. On Friday night we went out for a nice dinner and then tried to go to the movies, but I messed up the times so we ended up just coming home and buying one from our blueray player. I feel asleep not far into the movie and W said it was pretty bad.

Friday during the day was the hardest for me emotionally. I cried the most and felt the least hopeful. I have a family I work with where the mom went through multiple IVF's before she was successful. She is one of the few people who know all of the details. I went to see her son for therapy and we spent about a half hour talking about everything. I definitely cried the most then, but also felt like I needed to get it all out. She told me I had to be nicer to myself and said she knew it was going to work for us, she just couldn't say whether it's would be this time or not. She also said that when you make it to the other side it's all worth it looking bad doesn't seem all that bad. I had to wipe my tears away quickly when he son entered the room and I pulled it together and was able to work with him. I cried over the phone with W, but he was definitely more hopeful than me.

Saturday was a pretty good day overall. We had a bunch of distractions which was nice. We went out to breakfast and then came home for a little bit and watched some Lost. After a bit we headed out to the Mackenzie Childs store. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Mackenzie Childs, but it's all hand painted brightly covered pottery and other items. They have a big barn sale in the summer and last summer we got knobs for our kitchen cabinets. They are really neat and make a big difference in the kitchen. We also have a few other items in the kitchen. We weren't looking for anything specific, but it was fun to go. They have a farmhouse and we ended up with good timing to be able to go on the tour. It was really fun. Here are some pictures:

Shower in the closet

The pattern painted on this wall and ceiling made me feel dizzy

Love this bathroom

The fish hallway. It continued down another set of stairs. Don't walk up this hallway drunk!

It really was a nice distraction and we ended up getting a small fish carpet for the kitchen. The pull knobs we have in the kitchen have the fish on them, so it matches nicely.

Saturday night we went to the movies at the right time. We went to see Big Miracle and thought it would be a nice uplifting movie. Just what we needed. *Spoiler alert* I had seen the previews and assumed the whales all survived. Well, go figure, the baby whale ended up dying. Great! I was then crying in the movie theatre about the dead baby whale. Not really the miracle movie we were hoping for. All in all, W and I were able to joke about it after.

Last night I woke up around 4:30 and just felt horrible. I was anxious, sad, and overwhelmed. My mind was racing and I was unable to fall back asleep for at least an hour. I lay there thinking about everything and wondering what the outcome will be.

I did POAS twice on Saturday. The digital continues to say "pregnant" which is nice to see. Of course the batteries die and the message eventually disappears, but it is nice to see that word. I also couldn't resist and also used a FRER. The line was darker than it was two days prior, so that made me feel a bit better.

Symptoms remain, but I'm taking loads of hormones that also mimic symptoms. I'm still on estrogen (vaginally each night), progesterone (Crinone 2x's/day), dexamethasone, Lovenox injections, baby aspirin, Metformin 2x's/day, and prenatal vitamins. What do I feel? I'm tired and have been napping most days, I am peeing a bit more but also drinking a lot more water. I have occasional cramping, my boobs are still bigger and sore but maybe a bit less so, and I have a bit of nausea here and there. Nothing overwhelming though. Oh yeah, and my sense of smell is still really heightened.

The thought of 2 miscarriages scares the crap out of me. It makes me worry that something bigger is wrong. I've searched far and wide for success stories and have found a few, but more that aren't so successful. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, but I hope it will be a day filled with answers.

I feel better than last time about having a backup plan if needed. We have 4 frozen embryos and 2 fresh cycles paid for already. I hope we don't need any of it, but it's good to know that those options are there.

I've really appreciate all of the nice comments I have received and it is amazing to know that other people are praying for me and thinking of me. Thank you so much for the support!

IVF #2 Beta Results #2

2012-02-17T16:41:00.000-05:00

It's not looking good. Although the number increased today, it didn't by much. I feel like my clinic is trying to stay positive, but I'm having a hard time feeling the same way. I've shed my share of tears today and I am so disappointed. I was really hoping for a good increase.

It went from 43 on Wednesday to 63 today. That's a doubling time of 87 hours. Not good.

I am supposed to continue my meds and go back Monday for another blood draw. Right now I'm looking for some good distractions this weekend.

I'm so disappointed : (

IVF #2 Beta Results

2012-02-15T19:43:00.000-05:00

This morning was not the easiest. They told me at the clinic I might hear around 10:30, but if I hadn't heard by 12 to call them. I didn't really feel like initiating a bad conversation so I waited until around 12:30 for the call. They have a website where I can get lab results, so I checked it constantly from 11:15. Around 12:25 I checked and the numbers where there. Hands shaking, I clicked. HCG was 43. My immediate thought was that's not very high.

About a minute later the phone rang and it was them. She told me that any number over 25 was fine and that this number wasn't too low. She said congratulations. W rang in while I was on the phone with them so I called him right back. He was so thrilled it was ridiculous. He answered with his usual, "hey baby" and I responded with "hey baby daddy". He was like, what?!... really?!... OMG!!

I really wish the number was higher, but I'm going to go be positive and believe them that anything over 25 is where it should be. I go back Friday for repeat blood work and am hoping for a nice rise. Of course I went out and bought more tests and came home and peed on a FRER. There's a second line, but not the darkest. It's not squinter, but it's definitely not as dark as the control.

Thanks so much for all of the amazing support and comments I received today. Of course I had to find something new to worry about : )

Maybe it's my fear talking, but we are excited. We are happy. We are pregnant!

IVF #2 Beta Day

2012-02-15T07:49:00.000-05:00

My blood has been drawn and now all I can do is wait. I'm a complete nervous wreck, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through today. I didn't pee on anything so I feel about 50/50 on things. I know today has the potential to be amazing or awful, and unfortunately, nothing in between. I really hope we get good news.

As I was sitting in the waiting room I received this text from W: "I'm so proud of you for the strength and perserverance you have shown in this process. No matter what happens today I am so lucky and happy to be with you." It took everything I had to not start crying in the waiting room. I let the tears stream down my cheeks as I drove off.

Please send your positive vibes, prayers, and anything else you have my way today.

Oh, and I'm pretty ecstatic to have reached 100 followers, thank you so much everybody!

Now to get through the next few hours...

IVF #2 CD 22 3dp5dt Crazy Town

2012-02-09T20:39:00.000-05:00

How am I feeling? Honestly? I'm terrified this isn't going to work. Once you've experienced failure repeatedly it's hard to keep optimistic. After my FET I was convinced it worked. I kept track of my "symptoms" and just felt pregnant. I was so shocked and upset when I was wrong.

I just can't do that to myself again. I hate the thought of not being as positive as possible, but I have to keep my guard up to protect myself.

I feel like I'm walking the crazy line. I want to be positive, but I'm also so worried it won't work. Next Wednesday is so soon and I don't really want to know. I want to relish in being PUPO as long as possible. I also hate that Valentine's day is the day before my beta, so of course I'll be tempted to POAS.

I am so scared that our perfect embryos won't implant and that I will feel like a giant failure. Last time the embryos weren't great so I was able to blame the failure on that. This time, the only thing I will be able to blame failure on is myself.

I want intense cramps and implantation spotting, but no such luck. Maybe I've had some cramping, but I also have giant swollen ovaries and I've been constipated. Who knows what the heck I'm feeling "down there." I learned the hard way last time that all of the meds I'm taking help to create pregnancy symptoms.

I found out yesterday that we have 4 frozen totsicles. I'm not sure of the grades although I know that 2 were 4BB. I'm pretty happy about having a backup plan, but I also know that the "best of the best" embryos are in me doing their thing. Hopefully that thing is implanting. Please send me some sanity if you have any extra.

I had a dream last night where I had to have polyps removed again. I was conscious for the surgery and watched the entire thing on a screen. They thought there was only 1, but there ended up being 4. There was 1 that was really big and the rest were smaller. After the surgery they asked me if I wanted to see them. I looked and it was 4 black cats, 3 of which were tiny and adorable. They were stretching their little paws out to me. What the heck?!

IVF #2 CD 20 Transfer Info and 1dp5dt

2012-02-07T21:38:00.000-05:00

I didn't update at all yesterday about the transfer. But, it went fantastic! We really couldn't have asked for any better.

When we arrived at the clinic I took my Valium as instructed. We were called back shortly after which made me nervous since I wasn't feeling it at all. They brought us into the newly expanded part of the clinic. It was absolutely beautiful. We walked past the embryology lab which was fish-bowl style. There were lots of people working away.

When they brought us into the room it felt more like a spa room than a transfer room. Super comfortable bed, no stirrups, low lighting, music, and calming colors. The nurse came in and explained everything that was going to happen. She asked if I had a preference for the doctor and I said I didn't care. She had a print out of our embryos and she started counting. Where did she stop? 17!! Of course not all of them were at the same stage, but all were still going, which completely shocked and amazed both W and me.

Then the doctor came in. It was the same one who did my retrieval and I really liked him. W actually remarked when he first came into the room to explain the retrieval procedure my heart rate dropped dramatically by the time he left.

Dr. Greene told me we had 4 blastocysts and that he recommended transferring 1 or 2. He said he would need a lot of coaxing for 3 since the quality was so good. We talked about the odds. Transferring 2 meant greater odds for twins, but it also upped the success rate from transferring 1. Transferring 3 made the triplet rate a little scary for both of us and didn't change the overall success rate.

He showed me the best blastocysts and I then asked about the grading. He opened a door which led directly to the embryology lab and called the embryologist in. She told me of the 4 we had, 2 were 4AA and 2 were 4BB. There were a bunch more that were close and they were going to monitor them to see whether they turned to blast. Her recommendation was to transfer the 2 4AA's and freeze the 4BB's. Done deal.

Dr. Greene first did a trial transfer and then the actual transfer. When he was doing the trial transfer he turned the screen towards me and moved the catheter so I could see what I was looking at. He then said, "That's me, waving hello." We all laughed awkwardly at that one.

W was there holding my hand the entire time and it was over quickly. No cramping, no discomfort, totally smooth. Dr. G counted down, "3, 2, 1" when he put them in, but I couldn't see anything different on the screen. I wasn't sure exactly where to look.

I scooted up the bed and relaxed for the next 20 minutes or so. We got a picture of the ones we transferred and I've been transfixed by them since. Maybe I'm biased, but I can't believe how perfect and beautiful they are.

After the 20 minutes the nurse returned and said I could get dressed. We walked about 30 seconds down the hall and were at acupuncture. I definitely fell asleep there and felt super relaxed. We went home and spent the rest of the day lounging around and watching comedies.

Today I went back to work since I've missed so much. It was a light day and I tried not to pick up any of the kids or be too physical with them. When I woke up this morning I felt really anxious, but was able to listen to Circle + Bloom, and that really helped.

Unfortunately, W texted me around 11 saying the stomach bug had hit him. This evening was spent laying low and relaxing again. I feel terrible that he got it too since it's no fun. I hope he feels better soon.

Tomorrow I have acupuncture scheduled for 3:30. We bought tickets to the SU Georgetown game, but I'm not so sure we will be going. It's harder to be distracted and positive when your hubby is so sick. I'm trying my best though.

I'm thinking positive and grateful thoughts and really hoping this is it. Oh yeah, and here are my amazingly beautiful future babies:

Our 2 4AA blastocysts

Our joke is that the one on the left looks more like me since it's rounder and I have a rounder face and features. Very creatively, it is nicknamed "round". The one of the right looks more like W since he has a more narrow face and more pointy feature. That one is called "pointy". So hopefully "round" and "pointy" are getting comfy cozy as I type.

IVF #2 CD 19 Transfer Time

2012-02-06T08:22:00.000-05:00

My transfer is scheduled for this morning at 9:15. I have an acupuncture appointment immediately following which I am really looking forward to.

What I'm looking forward to the most? Valium. I love that stuff!

I went with the attitude that, "no news is good news" on Saturday when I knew the clinic would be checking my embryos. I didn't call them and they didn't call me. And I'm OK with that. I didn't want to spend the weekend worrying about things. And it worked well.

I am looking forward to finding out what we have to transfer today. I am super excited and nervous all at the same time.

IVF #2 CD 15 Fertilization Report and Sick as a Dog

2012-02-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

I worked on Tuesday. One little guy I see for therapy had a mom with the stomach bug. Instead of canceling, I saw him at his grandma's house instead since he was feeling fine. That night I saw on Facebook that he came down with it as did his Dad. I was a bit fearful but figured I had washed my hands and hadn't been too hands-on with him during our session. Well, no such luck. Last night around 1:30 I woke up extremely nauseous. I had weighed myself before bed like the instructions from my clinic said to do.

From 1:30 until at least 4:30 I was up every half hour vomiting. The diarrhea joined in about mid-way through the night (sorry if TMI). I was a wreck. I couldn't keep down a sip of water. This morning I weighed myself and I was down 6 pounds! Since I wasn't having any symptoms of OHSS I contribute it to the stomach bug. So far today I haven't thrown up at all, but all I've managed to consume is half a bottle of Gatorade. Not really the hydration I was hoping for.

We got the call this morning about fertilization. Of the 28 eggs retrieved they were able to ISCI 21 of them. Of those 21, 17 fertilized. We are scheduled for a 5 day transfer on Monday morning at 9:15.

Other than feeling like death from the stomach bug, I've been OK. Maybe the sickness masked any of feelings of discomfort from the retrieval. W stayed home and took care of me today and I really hope he doesn't come down with the same thing. Seriously horrible!

I'm not sure if it's the Dexamethasone or what, but since starting it I came down with a cold and a stomach bug. Usually I'm able to fight off the germs I am exposed to at work. I'm just hoping I start to feel better soon and actually want to eat.

I don't think we will hear anything else about our embryos until Saturday so until then I am just focusing on feeling better and maybe even getting out of bed some time today. It has not been the most fun 24 hours!

IVF #2 CD 14 Retrieval (Go Big or Go Home)

2012-02-01T20:12:00.000-05:00

Retrieval was this morning at 9:30. We got there around 9:00 and waited for quite a while to be taken back. I got changed into my gown (which was HUGE) and then the nurse brought me a heated blanket to cover my exposed cheeks. I got situated in the room and then the nurse tried to start the IV. She first tried my left arm and it didn't go well. The needle went in but the IV fluids weren't going in very fast. She fumbled with the needle while it was in my vein for what felt like forever and it was bleeding a lot. She eventually just gave up and went to the right arm. That went fine. I'm sure my veins aren't going to be too pretty tomorrow.

The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, they hooked me up to a bunch of monitors and then the RE came in. It's not my RE, but I've only ever met mine once so it didn't really matter to me. This guy was super nice and friendly. He then said he knew I had been watching the ultrasounds and had an idea of how many follicles there were. He told me to keep a number in my head of how many eggs I was hoping would get retrieved. He then said he would try to beat it and that he does 90% of the time. The number I picked? 15.

W was able to stay in the room and watch the procedure. He has recounted it to me and I'm kinda jealous I was the one knocked out. I was out so quickly once those meds hit it wasn't even funny. I vaguely remember them having me move down and then getting my legs strapped in.

When I woke up I was SUPER crampy and uncomfortable. W came in the room a few minutes later from doing his part. Within about 5 minutes the embryologist came back to give me the number. 28!!! I am so happy with this but am definitely feeling the difference between retrieving 11 and retrieving 28.

I feel like I was hit by a bus. A short bus, but still. The bloating in my belly seems to have gone down quite a bit which is good. I was given lots of instructions about OHSS but am hoping I don't need them. I started Destonex yesterday which is supposed to help and am feeling fine other than the cramping and general discomfort. I'm not so sure about working tomorrow since bending and reaching are not fun activities. I sit on the floor with little kids and have to be animated and excited. Not sure I'm up to that but I will see how I feel in the morning.

All in all, I am really happy about the number of eggs retrieved. Everything went really well and I can't lie, W has been amazing. He will get me anything I want/need and he cleaned the entire house in the past few days. I couldn't ask for anything more. I hope we have some great mature eggs in the mix. I get a fertilization report tomorrow.

IVF #2 CD 12 Trigger and Roller Coaster Emotions

2012-01-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

The good news is my coasting and using Cetrotide seemed to work. My estradiol levels was much lower today and I was given the green light to trigger. I am so glad we are in the final stretch.

We spent the weekend relaxing and I started to calm down about OHSS. When I didn't move on the couch, I felt great. When I got moving around I was really full and uncomfortable. By Sunday night some of the fullness had resided and I was confident things were looking up.

This morning's appointment went fine. The NP really scared the crap out of me about OHSS and said if I were a "risk taker" she would suggest I continue with the trigger. If I were "more conservative" it might be best to withhold the trigger and cancel. She said most people do take the risk and continue with the trigger. The morning went by slowly as I waited to hear.

My follicles had continued great growth. I had 2x13 mm, 3x14 mm, 2x15 mm, 1x16 mm, 2x17 mm, 4x18 mm, 3x19 mm, 1x20 mm, and 1x24 mm. Estradiol was 1215.

So then I spent the afternoon worrying that it dropped too low. When the nurse called and told me the levels and that I should trigger I asked whether it was a problem they dropped so much. She said "that's what we wanted." When I asked whether I should do any more Gonal-F she said no.

I also got a prescription for Dostonex to help prevent OHSS. I start that tonight with the trigger. They will also put me on Lovenox which doesn't start until after the retrieval.

How can one go from fear of too high of numbers to too low of numbers in 2 days? I think the most important thing is that the follicles had continued growth and still look good. I consulted Dr. Google and found this:

"If you started cetrotide just before the estradiol drop it may simply be due to this; cetrotide and ganirelix will artificially lower your estradiol level and doesnt actually have any clinical relevance. (In other words the estradiol level becomes unreliable as a gauge of follicle size or growth when one uses cetrotide or ganirlelix). In such antagonist cycles you must go by the follicle sizes and their development in order to know when the stim is adequate, and most importantly, when to trigger with hCG."

So trigger is tonight at 9:30 and I go in for retrieval at 9:00 on Wednesday. I am so ready for retrieval it's not even funny. Man, IVF is such a ridiculous roller coaster!

IVF #2 CD 10 Scared and Coasting

2012-01-28T17:46:00.000-05:00

I had another appointment this morning at 9:15. When she started the ultrasound the NP commented on how big my ovaries were. On the right side she just kept clicking and clicking, measuring away. The left side didn't take as long, but there was still a lot of measuring.

From what I can tell there are 10 measurable follicles on the left: 1x10 mm, 1x11 mm, 3x12 mm, 2x13 mm, 2x 14 mm, and 1x15 mm. On the right there are 10 as well: 1x10 mm, 1x11 mm, 2x12 mm, 1x13 mm, 3x14 mm, 2x15 mm. To be honest, on the database this isn't any more room than for 10 on each side. There may be more but I'm not sure.

The NP had to call my RE to get his opinion on what to do. I am not to take any more Gonal-F or Menopur. Only Lupron and tomorrow night I take the dose of Cetrotide that they gave me. W has been joking that the 900 pen of Gonal-F that were purchased is going to be our golden ticket.

Now on to the scary part. My estradiol increased to 7672. Cue Liz freaking out. I go back Monday morning and am hoping my levels decrease some and that I am able to trigger.

I'm trying to up my protein and electrolyte intake already and plan to continue (thank you awesome commenters for your advice). I had to switch to Vitamin Water because the Gatorade was just too sugary.

I've definitely got a cold now. Stuffed up nose and head, sore throat, and slight cough. It isn't helping me to feel better about everything. I love immunosuppressant drugs.

I took a nice long nap this afternoon and am trying to take it easy but I'm scared. I can't believe how high my estrogen is. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that we may not be transferring our embryos this cycle. I need to do what is best for my health and safety and I realize that may be it. I'm just hoping for some good eggs and embryos to freeze if necessary.

IVF #2 CD 9 Freaked Out

2012-01-27T19:44:00.000-05:00

I had another ultrasound and more blood taken today. The appointment was at 6:45 and W joined me. It was so nice to have him there and to drive. To be honest, I felt horrible when I woke up. I started Dexamethasone yesterday and think this was part of it.

I had gotten up last night around 3:30 or 4 to pee and had a really hard time falling back asleep. When I did I had horrible dreams. I was super late for my appointment in my dream and started off by getting a ride from my Mom in a crappy car. Then I was driving a rental van with a bunch of people and got stuck in really bad traffic. Then I was running and happened to be running more or less in circles. I woke up feeling incredibly nauseous and anxious. I really thought I was going to throw up but ended up being ok. W drove this morning so I was able to listen to music and recline in the seat.

I had a much better dream the other night that I was riding my dog all around town. I had to hold on to her collar, but she was definitely larger than life in the dream. I also dreamt that I was pushing an empty baby stroller.

I've been feeling really full and uncomfortable. Lots of action down there for sure. Today I really started feeling nauseous and my appetite wasn't very good. I've also started getting a bit of a sore throat and feel like I might be getting sick. A lot of the kids I work with are sick right now, but I'm hoping for the best.

My blood pressure was a little better today because I had a nurse I like a bit more. When the RN did the ultrasound she commented on how many follicles there were but how it was a "great IVF cycle" since I had so many follicles so close in size. Her first reaction was "Oh, wow!" When I told her what my estradiol was on Wednesday, she said to expect a call with a change in instructions this afternoon. I left feeling really optimistic and positive about everything.

On the left side they measured 8 follicles. 2x9 mm, 3x10 mm, and 3x12 mm. On the right they measured 9 follicles. 2x9 mm, 2x10 mm, 2x11 mm, 1x12 mm, and 2x13 mm.

Then I got the call around 12:30. Yeah, my estradiol is 5006. Holy $#!*. I was told to take a much smaller dose on Gonal-F tonight (37.5 instead of 150) and to skip the Menopur. They want to see me again tomorrow and were talking about giving me something else (Cetrotide?) to help reduce to estrogen levels.

I'm totally freaked out and worried about OHSS. I know there are more follicles they haven't measured and my estrogen is scary high. It jumped from 1710 to 5006 in two days. I'm scared. I'm really hoping it goes down a bit and that were are able to do a fresh transfer.

Hoping for better news tomorrow.

IVF #2 CD 7 Another Day, Another Co-Pay

2012-01-25T19:15:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment this morning. My blood pressure and pulse continue to be a concern for me at the office as they are both rising each time. Just to be sure I mentioned it to the NP and later took my BP two different times during the day at a local pharmacy. Normal both times. My fight or flight reaction is in high gear when I go for my appointments, but I can't seem to control it. At least I know it's only there.

The NP was able to measure seven follicles on each ovary. On the left I had 1x11 mm, 3x10 mm, and 3x8 mm. On the right I had 3x11 mm and 4x9 mm.

The NP doing the scan mentioned that they hadn't changed much since Monday. This got me worried and I checked online every half hour or so until my estradiol was posted. I was worried it wasn't going to go up enough, but it was 1710. After 6 days on stims. I stay on the same dosage of everything and go back Friday.

The headaches are mostly gone but this afternoon my stomach was upset. I went and had acupuncture yesterday for the first time and was able to take a nice nap. I haven't found the Circle + Bloom to be as helpful this time around as I can't seem to stay focused on it. My mind wanders a lot despite my best efforts.

I guess I would rather be reading my Kindle. I am SO CLOSE to finishing The Help and it is great!

Today was the first time we have paid for Gonal-F. I got an initial allotment from the Compassionate Care program and was able to coast on those for a while. Last cycle I had some donated. Today? I shelled out $911.00 for 1 Gonal-F 900 pen and the trigger shot. Ouch!! I guess I'm getting off pretty lucky though. My bank account doesn't agree.

IVF #2 CD 5 Another Day, Another Headache

2012-01-23T20:05:00.003-05:00

I had an appointment this morning and guess who actually came? W, that's who! It was nice to have his company in the car, as we waited (for a freakin' hour), and on the drive home. It wasn't as nice to compete for the bathroom this morning. Usually the wait is much shorter at the office, but it seems like when he comes for appointments it takes longer. I really think it was just that it was Monday morning and they were busy. I told him it was sensitivity training to see how much of a real inconvenience it all is. I'm letting him off the hook for Wednesday but not Friday.

The ultrasound went fine and the RN measured 6 follciles around 8-10. When I asked her how many there were she said "a lot." She also said it was a good thing we were doing IVF and not an IUI based on the number of follicles.

I hate when they take blood and put the gauze and pressure on my arm when the needle is still in. I have a needle in my vein, please don't push hard on it.

My estradiol came back today at 639. During my last cycle I didn't have my first monitoring appointment until the next day (CD 6), and my estradiol was 249.

I've been having headaches (as my blog title implies) almost every day. Yesterday it was pretty bad and the Tylenol didn't do anything to touch it. I know it's just part of it, but headaches that last for days aren't fun. I'm also starting to feel my ovaries a lot more. They are definitely getting busy down there.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a video I took this evening of my dog Togie. She is such a big baby (as you can see when she dodges the bottle I threw to her) but talks a big game. I haven't given her a bottle in a long time and it has been an amusing evening.

IVF #2 CD 3 First Tears

2012-01-22T11:49:00.001-05:00

On friday night we went out for a nice dinner. Since my shots fell around the time we were at dinner I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to do them. I bent the Lupron needle slightly and realized I probably should bring extras for times like this. Everything went fine and we continued our dinner.

My shots ready to go on the back of the toilet, so sanitary!

I was so tired on Friday that I napped after work, napped after dinner, and then fell asleep just fine around 11.

Last night W was watching the Syracuse basketball game. I gave him a 5 minute warning for my shots and he didn't seem very interested or concerned. He then got excited because he remembered the TV upstairs and ran upstairs to turn the game on up there. Usually he grabs my meds from the fridge to help, but no go. There were about 5 minutes left in the game and SU was losing for the first time this season.

I became upset to say the least and told him not to worry about it (hoping he would get the hint that he really should worry about it.) He said fine and went downstairs to watch the rest of the game.

At that point I was really upset. I don't need him to do the shots, but it's nice to have him in the room for emotional support. Of course I had to finish one pen of Gonal-F and open another so that meant an extra shot. I also couldn't seem to get a pocket of air out of the syringe for the Menopur and became frustrated with it.

W came upstairs half-way through this ordeal and I locked him out since I was upset. Then the tears started flowing. I told him I felt like he wasn't invested in this process and wished he could just be there to support me. I told him it would be nice to have him at some monitoring appointments since he's never even offered. The tears continued for a while and we talked, eventually reaching an agreement. He told me that this IVF cycle is more important than anything else right now and promised to show that to me. Hopefully it will be true.

We took the dogs cross country skiing yesterday. We all had a great time. The dogs were running around like crazy when we first got there. It was nice to get out and get some exercise since I haven't been great about it lately. We went for about an hour and a half, and by the end I was definitely ready to be back at the car.

Last night we saw The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo at 10:00. It was a good movie, but I may have fallen asleep briefly. There was a couple there who brought their two children (about 2 years and under 1). The baby kept coughing the entire movie and it was upsetting that they brought their children out so late, especially with one being sick. Nice move parents.

All in all, it's been a nice relaxing weekend. W better keep his promise and be more helpful tonight with the shots. I'm sure those were just the first tears of many to come since I'm hopped up on hormones. Good times!

Wow, I Feel Smart

2012-01-20T13:13:00.000-05:00

This morning my car didn't start right with my car starter. I tried it again and it the engine tried to turn over about 4 times and still didn't work. I ended up trying the old fashioned way (with the key) and it took a few attempts before it worked. I think it was because my gas was low and it was 15 degrees.

I headed to the first gas station. I got out of my car to pump the gas and couldn't get the nozzle to go into my tank. I was frustrated and assumed it was frozen shut. The cap came off just fine but there's a little door-like closure on the actual tank that I couldn't seem to get past.

I became so frustrated I asked these two older guys at the pump next to me. They came over and immediately solved the problem. Yeah, I was trying to put diesel gas into my tank. It wasn't frozen, the nozzle was too large to protect people from doing this.

W wanted to tell his co-workers but I was too embarrassed. Im hoping I was just thrown off because my car didn't want to start and this won't be a repeat. TGIF!

It's On

2012-01-19T21:18:00.001-05:00

Lesson of the day? I need to chill the f#$% out! On Monday when I went in for my appointment the NP told me I would get a period. As the next few days progressed and nothing showed I started to stress out. I was actually thinking and wishing that someone I spent time with would have their period so maybe it would rub off on me. I found out that my good friend C had hers yesterday as we drove together to a meeting for work. Yeah, that didn't seem to help.

My hubby was happy he was getting lots of action in my hopes that it would help entice AF. When I woke up this morning and it still hadn't arrived I was really getting stressed about my appointment. The RN today told me my lining was so thin I would likely not get a period. Humph! Not to mention my blood pressure was 145 over something. Yeah, it's never been that high. I still don't get how my lining shrunk without any change, but oh well.

I was given the Ok to start stims tonight. 150 IU's of Gonal-F, 75 IU of Menopur, and 5 units of Lupron. 3 shots of fun. Then this afternoon I started spotting so who the heck knows.

I've realized why I will probably gain weight while doing IVF. I have been getting myself breakfast on my monitoring mornings. I've also decided that coffee is delicious again and have been drinking some here and there. I had completely cut it out for months and just now have been drinking it again. Oh well, it isn't going to kill me.

Menopur isn't fun. It burns like I've heard everyone say. I think I will be a chemist by the time this is all over.

We booked a vacation to Mexico tonight for the last week of March. I'm super excited but wish it was a little sooner. The week we wanted to go was no longer available, so oh well. It's going to be amazing. It's an adults only resort so it will be nice to not be subjected to tons of little kids. As if I don't do that to myself every day at work. At least they're cute!

I go back Monday morning to see how things are progressing. Until then I jab myself with needles and ride out the side effects.

I'm a Middle of the Day Kind of Person

2012-01-17T07:53:00.000-05:00

Some people are morning people and some are night owl's. I'm a middle of the day kind of person.

6:45 for an appointment is just too early for me. When the alarm went off at 5:00 I wanted to sleep for 5 more hours. I got to my appointment on time and everything went well. My lining was at 6.5 so they want me to get a period before starting stims.

We discussed whether I would use Menopur this cycle or not and came to the conclusion that I will. They even had a box they gave me so that was convenient. The NP said it helps improve egg quality and since my last IVF cycle was unsuccessful it would be good to mix it up.

I go back Thursday for repeat blood work and another ultrasound. I will start stims that night. The monitoring appointments are unfortunately not part of the package price. I have a co-pay for each one (which is way better than the $320 actual cost), but $25.00 each time is going to add up.

More crazy dreams around here. I dreamt one night that at the end of stims I had welts at every injection site. I also had a tease of a dream about a positive pregnancy test (after getting up to pee multiple times that night). Last night involved a plan crash but we have been watching LOST lately so I'm sure that's where it came from.

Went to a staff party for W's work Saturday. I had no idea it was going to be so formal and we both felt way underdressed. About 90% of the women were wearing dresses. Oh well, the cream puffs were delicious. I guess I need to reconsider my definition of dressing up.

Hung out with friends Friday and Sunday nights. Both friends have kids but enjoyed snuggling with Max (7 months) and singing songs and playing with E (17 months).

Had a pregnancy announcement from a family I work with. It didn't hurt at all. I'm not jealous of their situation.

Took a nice long nap while W cooked dinner last night after my early morning appointment. I'm really starting to get excited about everything. Come on Thursday!

They Hit

2012-01-13T07:43:00.000-05:00

Side effects. Always after 3 days on any medication I start to feel side effects. I have had a dull headache since Wednesday night right before bed. I woke up yesterday and it lingered all day. I was able to take a nap while hubby was cooking dinner so that was nice but when I woke up the headache was still there.

Crazy dreams! This morning I was dreaming about a giant horse kicking and biting me in the face when W woke me up. It was scary! I also dreamt I was in my freshman college dorm. Little things pop up during the day that remind me of parts of a crazy dream.

I'm feeling a little spacey and forgetful. I will start a sentence and not be able to finish. Makes me look smart.

Hot flashes. I'm usually pretty cold but yesterday when I asked someone "Is it hot in here" and they replied, "no, I'm actually cold" I knew something was up. I drove with my windows down for part of the day.

My boobs are getting a little sore and uncomfortable.

I'm craving crap food. Not sure if this is just me though. I can't seem to consistently make good choices. I was at a pre-kindergarten class yesterday and it was someone's birthday. Those cupcakes looked too good to pass up. Funfetti with whipped cream frosting. Boy did I regret that one. I don't ever eat that much sugar so it shocked me a bit with a super intense headache and stomachache. It was pretty delicious in the moment though.

We have a bunch of snow on the ground this morning and are supposed to get a few more inches today. I wish I could just stay home and drink hot chocolate.

3 more BCP's and 4 days until my suppression check. Is this really happening? Hope everyone has a safe Friday the 13th. I have a friend who has her beta for IVF #3 today. I hope she gets good news.

Awesome Sauce

2012-01-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

What makes the sauce so awesome? The fact that my thyroid is fine, that's what.

On Friday I had my ultrasound. No big surprise the tech didn't want to give me any info.

On Thursday, Friday, and Monday I called my physician's office and asked for the full thyroid blood panel. When I called Monday and they told me my doc would return my call that morning I was super annoyed when I didn't hear back. I went ahead and started the Lupron because I wasn't going to let the unknown issues with my thyroid delay me.

The great news is he called this afternoon and told me no further testing was needed since the ultrasound revealed my thyroid was fine. I am so relieved and happy that I can continue on with the cycle full steam ahead with complete confidence.

Dr. Google had freaked me out a little bit after my extensive searches.

Today was day 2 of Lupron. I stop BCP's on Sunday night and have my suppression check on Monday morning bright and early. I don't usually start my Monday mornings until 9:00 about 10 minutes from my house. My appointment is at 6:45 about 45 minutes from my house. Help me please.

Not Sure

2012-01-05T20:50:00.002-05:00

I have an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound to check my thyroid. I've been trying to get my doctor to order a full panel for thyroid testing, but he wasn't in today so it hasn't happened yet. I will call the office again tomorrow morning and request it again.

My TSH levels were 1.07. I've found anything between .3 and 3.0 to be within the normal range. I just don't get it. Smack dab in the middle. I know I had them tested previously and they were normal as well.

I called my fertility clinic today to ask them about the thyroid thing. They told me it probably wouldn't be the best to do an IVF cycle if my thyroid is all out of whack. I'm supposed to start Lupron on Monday and I have a suppression check in 11 days. I asked if they were to put me on Synthroid how long it would take to work. They said at least 6 weeks. This means potentially delaying another IVF cycle. Delays are not something I have dealt with well in the past, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm so frustrated! I really need to be able to make an informed decision about whether to continue with this cycle or not before Monday, but I'm not sure that is going to happen. I can't make a decision based on my emotions alone.

I don't understand how I've been to 2 RE's and neither of them have mentioned my thyroid. I've already done an IVF cycle and don't think my thyroid has anything to do with it failing. Yes, I've had a miscarriage, but I'm pretty sure that was due to low progesterone levels and not my thyroid.

I've done some (understatement) research and found that the most likely thing is Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I don't really have any of the symptoms and found that treatment is controversial. Some think if your TSH isn't elevated there is no reason to treat it. Others show that treatment helps.

I just feel lost and not prepared to handle another delay. I know if there is a problem that needs to be dealt with it is best to do before cycling again. It's just hard to accept that and wait another couple of months. Hopefully I can get some kind of answers tomorrow regarding the ultrasound.

Thyroid

2012-01-03T20:07:00.000-05:00

I have to get yearly physical for work along with a tb test. I made an appointment and went today. Apparently I called the on-call place rather than my primary physician. When I showed up at 5 and the office said it closed at 4 I was confused. Someone let me in since they saw me outside and my physician said he'd do the physical since it would be quick. I couldn't thank him enough for doing that.

Everything was fine until he looked at me and said, "What's going on with that goiter?" huh? When I heard the word goiter I was instantly transported to disturbing images. He proceeded to feel my thyroid and told me it was enlarged.

The thing that surprised me most is that I see an endocrinologist and no mention of this has ever been made. I told him I had my tsh levels checked last week and they were in the normal range. He asked me to call or bring in those results and said he wants to refer me for an ultrasound of my thyroid.

I just hope we can get it all sorted out. Anyone have any experiences with an enlarged thyroid and normal tsh hormone levels?

Grief

2012-01-01T19:21:00.000-05:00

It was a long weekend with at least 3 hours of travel for 4 days straight. We started by heading to my sister's place for Thursday night. We exchanged Christmas gifts and hung out. She watched our dogs as we headed to NJ the following day.

On Friday there was a service at the community where W's grandma lived. It was short but it was nice to be able to see everyone. A reception followed and then we headed back to her place to look through books and other items. The whole family went to dinner that night.

On Saturday was the funeral. It was a long service and it's been a while since I've been to church. W and I had talked while driving about how his grandmother now knew about our miscarriage. It was a nice to think she was with her husband again (who passed about 10 years ago) and our baby that didn't make it. W also said "hopefully she'll put in a good word for us." I hope so.

As I sat there thinking of her life and the love she shared I felt the grief around me. It has been the first time I have been surrounded by grief and where it felt OK to feel sad.

Once I allowed myself to feel sad, it was overwhelming. I thought of my conversation with W and of our little one who is now hanging out with his/her great-grandmother. I thought of all my blogger friends who lost their babies far too soon. I know that death is a part of life, but I guess it's never easy.

In a sense it was nice to be able to feel free to be sad. I don't think I allow myself this enough. On the other hand I was amazed by how overwhelming a feeling it was.

W's grandmother will be greatly missed.

2011-2012

2011-12-29T10:43:00.002-05:00

So I recently started following Lanie's blog Unruffled Lanie and this morning she posted her New Year's tradition. I've never really been one to make new year's resolutions, but I really liked these questions and goals for the previous and upcoming year. Thanks for letting me borrow it!

1. What did you do in 2011 you never did before?

Hosted our first Thanksgiving

IUI's

Learned how to use injectables

Tried to branch off and specialize some with work

IVF

Started yoga and meditation

Started my own garden

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Like I said, I don't often make resolutions. I think I wanted to be relaxed and not stress about infertility last year. I really didn't think I would be sitting here, still not pregnant, again the following year. I think I also wanted to be better about exercise. This is something that comes and goes with me. I have been great at times and awful at others. I wish I were more consistent about it.

For 2012:

Be better to my husband and not take my stress out on him

Continue to practice yoga and meditation

Not take other people's pregnancies personal

Smile more

I read this is a magazine and it really struck home "Be aware of the difference between anticipating and living. Joy is rooted in the present." So, be more present day to day

Exercise regularly and consistently

Plan more meals so we eat out less

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A co-worker and friend. We were supposed to be pregnant around the same time (my baby 3 months younger), but then I miscarried. She had baby Max in June and he is super cute.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

The main nurse at fertility clinic #1 who was really great at her job. I wouldn't say we were super close, but it was really sad. She passed away at 38 from cancer.

5. What countries did you visit?

Dominican Republic

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A successful pregnancy, more happiness and patience, acceptance

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

January 5- the day we started Lupron for my first IVF cycle which ended up being the date I ovulated

January 23rd- the day I found out I was pregnant

February 18- the day we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating

May 22- the day W graduated with his doctorate in physical therapy

June 8- 2 years at my current job

July 23- my sister's wedding

September 30- unfulfilled due-date

December 5- the day we transferred our embryos

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting back on my feet after rejection at work

Strengthening my marriage (sorry Lanie, stole that one from you)

Getting back on my feet after a miscarriage

9. What was your biggest failure?

Losing a baby

Failed fertility treatments

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Infertility, but otherwise completely healthy and feeling lucky for that

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Kindle, Blue Ray player that streams from the internet, 3 rounds of IVF, a vacation, dahlia bulbs for my garden

12. Where did most of your money go?

Fertility treatments, house projects, vacation, student loans, acupuncture, eating out

13. What did you get really excited about?

A pregnancy, vacation, finally transferring our embryos after 6 months of waiting

14. What songs will always remind you of 2011?

Anything by Mumford and Sons, Not Over you by Gavin DeGraw, Keep Your Head Up by Andy Grammer, Tighten Up by the Black Keys, Fix You by Coldplay

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or Sadder: Amazingly, I think happier. I am dealing with everything much better than last year

Thinner or Fatter: Probably about the same, maybe a little thinner

Richer or poorer: Richer! W graduated and got a professional job this year so we are officially DINK's

16. What do you wish you'd done more of:

Exercising, meditating, living life in the moment, smiling

17. What do you wish you had done less of:

Worrying, crying

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With the in-laws. W's Grandmother passed away so we didn't have our usual Christmas Eve dinner at his parent's house.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Breaking Bad, Parks and Recreation

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Naked by David Sedaris

I did a lot of reading fertility books and can't say any of them were my favorite's

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Mumford and Sons, The Black Keys, Maroon 5

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

The Tree of Life, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2, Bridesmaids, A Day in the Life

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

Went out to dinner with the hubby to our favorite Italian restaurant. I turned 28. We had a lobster dinner (as per tradition) with my parents the following night and went on the dinner with the in-laws a few nights later to a different Italian restaurant. I got wined and dined this year.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I hate to say it, but having a baby.

25. What kept you sane?

"Super-hubby" as I like to call him and my fur babies. Meeting so many others going through the same thing through blogging.

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

That I can get back up on my feet regardless of what happens. That life goes on whether you decide to join in or not. That sometimes you have to be selfish and make the best decisions for yourself personally.

Looking back on 2011, it had some good times and some really crappy times. I am hoping that 2012 is a great year for everyone and that I can stick to my personal goals now that they were written out. Happy New Year everyone!

A Big Fall

2011-12-28T20:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I stopped at my mom's house to heat up my lunch. Since I drive around and don't schedule a lunch time for myself I often have to use whatever microwave is convenient. Is just happened I had a visit scheduled and a bit of time to waste beforehand and was in their neighborhood. They are in Florida so the garage doors were closed. This left the outside steps to go up. I remember thinking they were slippery going up, but obviously it didn't stick.

I ate my soup, which was delicious, and gave the cat some love. I then headed out, glass pyrex container in one hand and some minty chocolate cookies in the other. We don't generally buy sweets but I can always count on my mom's house to get some. It was pouring so I was hurrying to get to the car. Well, that was a bad idea.

I slipped and fell down four stairs. It. hurt. so. bad. My butt was soaked and I spent some time moaning about it before getting in my car and driving away. Within a few minutes my arm had already welted up and I was sore.

Today my arm has a big dark bruise on it. And my butt?? OMG, it's ugly! I don't think I've ever seen such a dark bruise before. It looks black. My back is also sore but there aren't any huge bruises or welts.

Sitting on the floor on the butt all day wasn't the most fun and I wasn't able to use my forearm to steer while eating, talking on the phone, etc. while I was driving today. Getting in and our of the car and up off the floor was not easy. Not a huge deal, but not a whole lot of fun either. I'm hoping the bruises heal quickly since I already have a leftover knot from progesterone on my butt very close by to the bruise. Do those eventually go away? It's been like 2 weeks and it's still there.

When I saw it was snowing today I decided if I fell again I would just have to cancel the rest of my day and go home and hide in bed. Luckily, everyone had salted their walkways and I remained on my feet all day. Here's to hoping I don't fall again this winter.

Christmas Festivities and a Fresh Start

2011-12-26T18:02:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. We are lucky (and unlucky I guess) in that we get to celebrate three times, so next weekend the festivities will continue with my dad and sister (yay divorce).

You can barely see Pepper (our other dog) in the right corner, he wasn't cooperating. This is the best shot we got using the timer on my camera. Merry Christmas from our furry family!

Last week we had my mom, step-dad and brother over for dinner to celebrate early. They go to Florida every Christmas to celebrate with my step-dad's mother, so they aren't ever around. It was really nice and relaxing. A few weeks ago I picked up my violin from my mom. I hadn't played in over 6 years but felt I needed a distraction during my 2ww. I have been practicing some and was able to play for my mom while she was over. That made her very happy. I played from second grade through my senior year in high school and was impressed by how easily I was able to pick it back up. We had a great dinner and exchanged gifts. My brother (almost 10) was literally kissing the Game Stop gift certificate we got him so you could say he liked it.

Last Thursday we got the news that W's grandmother had a heart attack and passed away (3 days from Christmas). She lived to be 91 and was with it cognitively and lived independently up until the end. It happened really quickly so everyone is relived she didn't suffer. She was insanely generous in that she paid for her 7 grandchildren to go to college (Boston University, Yale, Columbia, Syracuse, Bates, Brown, and some art school in D.C.) She also gave us the center stone on my engagement ring which once belonged to her mother. Funeral services will be held on Friday and Saturday so we will be traveling to New Jersey for that. I think we will stop in Albany on the way for a night to stay with my sister and drop off our dogs and then stop on the way back through on Saturday and do Christmas Sunday with my dad and my sister. I hope she's ready to have 3 cats and 3 dogs at her house for a few days. Thanks K!

Due to the death in the family, Christmas Eve dinner was cancelled at the in-law's. We were invited instead to W's aunt and uncle's house and had a nice dinner. On Christmas day my in-law's came over for lunch and then we headed back to the aunt and uncle's for dinner again. I had a great time with W's cousin's boys (ages 5 and 8). D (the 5 year old) was too funny when he said "My most ticklish spot is my weiner." We all had a good laugh over that one.

This is the painting W and I got each other for Christmas. We have two others by the same artist (who is local) and we really loved this one. It looks great on the wall.

AF arrived last Friday AM early. I knew changing to the white sheets would help. It really hasn't been as bad as I feared so that is good. I called my new clinic and set up a baseline for Monday (today). They were great about answering questions and being accessible (unlike my old clinic).

We got up early and headed in this morning for my 7:45 appointment. We wrote a huge check which covers 3 IVF cycles and any frozen ones in between. I feel really good and paying up front and not having to worry about the financial piece. I found out we will be able to get a tax deduction for our medical expenses so paying in full before the year ended made the most sense.

I had blood work and an ultrasound done and everything looked fine. I was able to ask as many questions as needed and talked with the NP about the cycle and meds. I start BCP's tonight and stay on them for 3 weeks. After 2 weeks we add Lupron into the mix. I have an appointment 3 weeks from today for a suppression check. It feels good to start up again and have a fresh start. Can the next 3 weeks just fly by please?

This work week will be short so that is nice (not nice for the wallet, but oh well). I hope everyone had a great Christmas and was able to enjoy it, baby or no baby. Here's to hoping we all have babies next Christmas!

If you can't make 'em, eat 'em

2011-12-21T22:16:00.001-05:00

Welcome if you are visiting from ICLW. Thanks for stopping by! To catch you up to speed, I am Liz. I am 28 and live in NY. I have been seeing my RE for 16 months and have PCOS and one tube. During this time I have had 2 laparoscopic surgeries, 2 D&C's (one for a miscarriage and one for polyps), 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. If you want a more detailed history, feel free to read more.

This may seem like a strange title for a post, but it stems from a joke I made during dinner tonight. W and I went out for a nice dinner and he ordered the osso bucco. Forever he had a thing against eating veal (which I completely understand but don't abide by). As he took his first bite he said, "I just remembered what osso bucco is... veal." So my reply was, "If you can't make 'em, eat 'em." We both had a good laugh and continued to joke about delicious baby legs.

I got the phone call today to confirm what I already knew. To be honest, I stopped all my meds after I got another BFN on a pregnancy test on Monday morning. It was a FRER test which I know picks up HCG levels below 10. I knew if the number was going to be that low it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy anyway. Well, big surprise my beta HCG number was zero. And the nurse I don't like called to give me the news. She didn't say anything other than that it was negative.

To get it off my chest, the things the nurse did the day of the transfer the upset me were:

1) She called me by the wrong name and had paperwork for me to sign with the wrong name on it. No, my name is not Tracy. Good thing I caught that one and corrected her.

2) Saying to us about 20 minutes prior to the transfer "Everything is going wrong this morning" W looked right at her and said, "Don't say that."

3) Referring to my embryos as "eggs." I had her double check we were transferring the right ones after the name mix-up. Even the embryologist called her out on that one.

4) Completely losing her shit in the transfer room when the embryologist tried to hand the catheter with my embryos to her through the "window". The nurse starting yelling at the embryologist and said she was no longer sterile. Dr. S practically yelled at her and told her he had it. I just tried to close my eyes and relax.

5) Rushing everything. Rushing me to go into the transfer room when they weren't even ready, and then trying to rush me to get up and go to the bathroom after. No, I didn't want to get up for 30 minutes, but after about 10 she was trying.

I tried not to think of all these things that she did that day. I don't think it changed the outcome or anything, but it changed my opinion of her and the clinic for hiring her. I don't think she conducts herself in a professional manner and I'm definitely looking in a new direction for my next cycle.

The nurse is honestly reason #2 to switch clinics. Reason #1 is financial. The clinic I currently go to charges about $6000/IVF cycle. To be honest, I haven't gotten the final bill and am not sure how much the assisted hatching cost. So probably, it will end up costing more than that. The other clinic with Dr. Gere (aka Dr. K) has package deals. I am looking now at one that includes 3 cycles for $7500. If it works the first time, great. If not, I know I will have 2 more tries and not feel so stressed about the money.

I'm doing ok with the negative. I know Christmas isn't going to be easy, but I'm managing to put a smile on my face and continue on. Having a new plan in place is going to give me a positive direction to look in. I plan to call Dr. Gere's office tomorrow and ask my list of questions. I'm hoping to be able to start BCP's for another IVF cycle as soon as AF shows. Open the flood gates already, I'm ready to get this show on the road.

I really think a big part of IVF is a numbers game. If I'm going to gamble, I'd rather gamble in an efficient casino.

11dp3dt... One Lonely Line

2011-12-17T10:30:00.001-05:00

I held out until this morning to test. Had you asked me before the test I would have told you I was 85% sure I was pregnant. Now? Well, I'm not holding onto much hope. I had the thought that maybe it was just a bad dream as I was standing there in the dark looking at that single line. I felt the worst breaking the news to W.

The hardest part is that I had lots of symptoms. I've been pregnant before and know how it feels, so was convinced I was again.

I wasn't blogging about my symptoms because I didn't want to jinx anything. I guess it wouldn't have mattered. I had cramping on days 3-5 past the transfer. Around 5 days past my boobs got bigger and started to get more sore. On Monday and Tuesday (7-8 days past) my sense of smell picked up drastically and level nausea appeared. To be honest, I've been pretty tired all along since starting the progesterone. Wednesday and Thursday I had some crazy ass dreams.

I know there's a slim chance it could have still worked, but I'm not really into alluding myself much longer. I felt sad for about 10 minutes but then decided it doesn't do much to dwell on it.

It felt good to have hope again. That hope remains despite a negative result. I am hopeful that IVF will work for us. I just don't think this was the right time. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I was so positive and peaceful that first week. If the embryos stopped developing it wasn't my fault. Arrggh and Matey just weren't meant to be.

There's nothing I can do now but look to the future. I am now faced with the decision to stick with Dr. S or switch it up and try Dr. K (aka Dr. Gere). I love Dr. S and feel I get individualized treatment, but I REALLY don't like the nurse that replaced Becky. If you don't know or remember, Becky was the nurse I connected with for over a year and who I found out recently passed away from cancer. I don't think she is easily replaced, but this new person sucks! After the transfer I didn't want to dwell on it, but it my opinion the new nurse fucked up big time. She was really unprofessional and not pleasant, but I will add another post about that. It still makes me upset to think about it.

I'm going to be OK. Sure, I'm disappointed and I'm not thrilled about the outcome but I still have hope. And to be honest, that feels good.

It won't be official until Tuesday when I have my beta, but I'm pretty sure we know the outcome. Better luck next time.

Embabies on board

2011-12-06T19:59:00.001-05:00

Our transfer was at 9:30 this morning. Although I had trouble falling asleep and proceeded to have crazy dreams, I still woke up feeling rested. When we got there our embryos were up on the computer screen so I took a quick look. Four appeared fine and one no longer even looked like an embryo, more just like an egg. Dr.S appeared shortly after and began getting set up. They wanted to bring me into the transfer room at 9:15 but my bladder wasn't very full and I wasn't feeling the Valium. I've read too much about people being incredibly uncomfortable due to an over-full bladder, so I guess I didn't drink enough.

They gave me some time to drink more water and then we talked about the embryos. Of the four that survived two looked really good and two had yet to cleave or divide. I guess they were still viable, but hadn't shown any new growth. So...? We put them all back. I think it was the best choice because I would hate to think the two slackers could get tossed.

Looking and feeling loopy, W has no excuse

It took a bit of time to get my uterus in full view on ultrasound, but once they did we were ready. They put the embryos in and then checked the catheter to make sure they were out.

When they brought me back out to the original room to lie down I was super loopy. I was cracking myself and W up with my actions and comments. I had a bit of gauze and was using it as a pirate's patch.

After a half hour I sent W to pick up the car and planned to walk out and meet him. When Dr. S saw me waiting by myself he offered to walk me out. He walked me out to my car and even opened my car door for me.

My beta HCG test will be in 14 days, which is a bit of a long wait if you ask me. I am planning to test before then, but definitely not too early, I promise. I might even just test the day of so we can get the news together and at home. Dr. S told the nurse he would be the one to call me with the results.

I spent the day lounging on the couch watching movies and shows: 30 Minutes or Less (ehhh, even though it had some of my favorites), 27 Dresses (always a good one), Parks and Recreation, The Office, and now America's Funniest Home Videos. No serious or sad stuff around here. Tomorrow I have to do an evaluation at 9:00 but plan to take the rest of the day off. W has been great today, doing everything for me and being super helpful. I will miss him tomorrow.

I will be thinking positive and hopeful thoughts for my embabies on board. How is it possible to have so much love for a little bundle of cells?

Surviving the ice age

2011-12-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

Today my clinic will thaw and culture my embryos. I am scared and nervous, but hopeful and excited as well. Our transfer is tomorrow at 9:30 and we don't know yet how many embryos we will be putting back.

I have been on progesterone for almost a week now. My butt is sore but it is getting better and more tolerable. Placing the vial of progesterone in hot water for about 5 minutes prior to the shot helps the progesterone to move more quickly. No big lumps or knots yet so I am thankful for that.

If you could please send warm multiplying and dividing thoughts to my embryos today, we would all appreciate it. Thanks!!

And now, introducing, our beautiful embryos. I'm sure they'll look a bit different after the thaw but this was them in July. They were frozen on day 3.

Night and freakin day

2011-11-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

Wow, I'm still digesting everything from my two appointments today. I couldn't possibly have two more different experiences.

First things first, my lining increased to 11 and everything looks great. No fluid, no cysts, great lining, no bleeding or spotting for a few days now. When I texted W after the appointment the adjective he actually used was "amazing". Can you tell we haven't had things look this good in a while?

Oh, by the way, music is my current anxiety cure for the clinic. OK, maybe not a cure, but it sure helped to have some good tunes to sing along to on the way there. I even brought my headphones and listened between the walk from the parking garage to the waiting room.

The appointment was fast and I headed off to work in a fantastic mood. The day went by fairly quickly and before I knew it I was headed off to my second appointment. W met me there and immediately things were different. I have been in this clinic once before for a support group so the waiting room was no big surprise in how it looked. What did surprise me was how many people were there. Holy crap!!!

They took us back fairly quickly and into a fancy room. We sat on a comfortable couch and waited a few minutes for the nurse to come in. When she did she didn't have much to say since she figured I knew most of her usual spiel about infertility and treatment options. Dr. Gere came in shortly after. He gave me a warm greeting and sat down to talk to us. His questions were flying at me so fast I had a hard time. I felt like he wanted an answer in 5 seconds or less and I crumbled under this pressure. W interjected and answered a few questions for me. This is not what I am used to. I never feel rushed with Dr. S and at times I am the one who gets impatient. Ha, what a difference.

Dr. Gere asked me quickly about my history and then basically asked why I was there. I told him we were interested in his package deals (amazing deals) and that I felt like I would like to be a bit more aggressive about things.

He first said I was going to get pregnant this cycle and that we weren't going to need him. I didn't get the impression he would have done things differently from Dr. S with the exception of the fluid. He said he would have used a transfer catheter to drain the fluid and then would have continued with the transfer back in July. He quickly asked about IUI's and got it that we weren't interested. He said our best option to get pregnant would be IVF and that he would probably use an antagonist protocol with Follistim, Ganirelix, and Menopur. We would take the pill for a month (with some possible overlap of Lupron) and then once I got my period I'd start stims. That all sounded good to me.

On to the ultrasound room we went. Even with wandy he was fast. My pulse and blood pressure were both higher than normal and it was good to know that I don't discriminate when it comes to fertility clinic anxiety. He said my lining was beautiful and that I was going to get pregnant. My ovaries were polycystic but I don't there was anything enlightening about the ultrasound. He said to me that he was more aggressive than most doctors, so I know I would be getting what I asked for.

To make it all clear in my head I decided to summarize. Which doctor:

Is the best deal financially: Dr. Gere has package deals unlike my current clinic. Not sure about donated meds. They even have a money back package which is very appealing to me currently. The biggest thing is that Dr. S works for the University and has zero personal financial investment. Dr. Gere owns this clinic and two others in addition to a healing arts center that provides yoga, acupuncture, and many other services.

Gives you his time and makes you not feel rushed: Dr. S In fact, when he called me to give me further directions this evening and gave me more of his time over the phone than Dr. G gave me in person today. He allows me to ask questions without me feeling pressured. Dr. Gere was rushing around that place like crazy. Dr. Gere's office had a revolving door feel. Granted the door is super nice, but man it feel like a factory in there. So many receptionists and patients in the room. Tons of nurses. We had to wait for a free room in order to do the ultrasound. There was actually a sign on the door in the ultrasound room that said if you have been waiting more than 15 minutes to remind them. They are so busy they forget about people?

Most optimistic: Dr. Gere and I loved it. I drove home convinced that we are going to get pregnant this cycle.

Nicest office: Dr. Gere. Keurig machine in the waiting room, comfy couches, nice music, tons of reading material. A much better vibe than my current, somewhat ghetto office.

Most aggressive in treatment: Dr. Gere and I feel like we may need this. At the same time, had we done the transfer with the fluid/polyps like Dr. Gere would have done, it would likely not work. I guess being aggressive isn't always the best.

Most thorough: Dr. S. He fully informs me of everything and allows me to have a say in the decision making process. He often thinks out loud though which can be interesting. I know Dr. S has consulted the literature/research about me multiple times to guide his decisions.

Treats each case individually: Dr. S. Dr. Gere didn't really seem to consider much about me specifically. He recommended the antagonist protocol since that is "what they have been doing a lot and what has been successful for many."

I hope to not have to make any future decisions about who I will be using for my next round of IVF. There is a lot to process and digest, but it is good to know I have options. I feel great knowing that I could call either clinic and start another round of IVF if necessary. Let's hope I won't be doing any more and that this FET is the one. I really should take a page from Dr. G and keep convincing myself that this cycle is going to work.

Out transfer has been pushed back one day to Tuesday. I started my IM progesterone tonight and the dosage is higher than last time. We did 2 ml and I know I will be feeling it tomorrow. I am starting to get really excited about everything. I should get a call tomorrow telling me what time the transfer is scheduled for and whether we will be doing assisted hatching or not.

8 more days!

Thanksgiving success

2011-11-27T10:57:00.000-05:00

Our first time hosting Thanksgiving was a complete success. We had my sister, her husband, my mother, my step-father, my little brother, my mom's friend, and my Dad, so 9 people total. This was the first time my parents celebrated Thanksgiving together in 20 years. The turkey came out amazing and wasn't dry at all. All of the food was delicious and I got my appetite back just in time. We did end up forgetting the stuffing on the table, but nobody missed it. Next time we will consult our menu when we put the dishes out on the table. The table looked great, and I got some fun ideas from Pinterest.

I also made a pie. Can you tell what the design is without me telling you?

My sister, her husband and I went black Friday shopping late Thursday night. We went to Wal-Mart (not my favorite place, but my sister's favorite place) and it really wasn't as crazy as I expected. Most people were there to get TV's and I managed to get a good deal on a digital camera for my dad. I also got some DVD's for myself (4/5 seasons of Six Feet Under) cheap. It was so nice to be able to spend time with my sister but not have to be at her house. She and her husband both smoke cigarettes and he loves the T.V to be loud. He also doesn't like bright lights so we often sit in the glow of the T.V. Being at their house means sitting in a smoky, dark and loud environment. It was nice to be able to control things but also spend time with K.

K and her hubby have been TTC since their wedding in July. When we were in Wal-Mart K had to go to the bathroom. When she came back she said, "I am thankful for my period on Thanksgiving" and I could tell she was super bummed. Although she hasn't been trying for long, I can still feel her disappointment about getting her period instead of a positive pregnancy test. I am feeling better about her trying and the possibility of her getting pregnant first. I think because it didn't happen her first month of trying, I will be OK with it. I really hope we both get pregnant soon so that our babies can have cousins close in age.

When K came she brought a flash drive with her wedding photos on it. I was able to look through her pictures and am amazed by how ballooned I look from the IVF. Her wedding was July 21 and I had my retrieval the 12th. I look so puffy in all of the photos, and I'm so glad we captured those moments in my life forever. Oh well, no one else knew and no one asked me if I was pregnant at the wedding, so maybe I just see it because I know.

In other news the bleeding has stopped. I now know it isn't my period, it just isn't the same. I was bleeding heavy on Tuesday and Wednesday and by Thursday it had slowed considerably. Friday and Saturday I had the tiniest bit of spotting and it was brown rather than red or pink like previously. Nothing so far today. W and I have talked a lot about what we want to do and it is difficult. I think the spotting and bleeding will be gone by Monday, but I worry what this has done to my lining. The hardest part it is seems nothing is ever ideal. This month the issue is spotting and bleeding, but next month who knows what it will be. Obviously we want the most ideal situation possible, but I don't think it's ever going to be ideal. We will see what Dr. S's opinion is.

My anxiety has declined tremendously and my nausea is much better. I have an appetite again and know I need to get back to the gym. I'm sad its Sunday, but looking forward to my appointments tomorrow. Hope everyone is relaxing and having a great weekend.

I am thankful for

2011-11-26T12:04:00.000-05:00

Supportive, entertaining, amusing, and helpful bloggie friends.

Josey from My Cheap Version of Therapy was generous enough to award me the Liebster Award. This one has been floating around many of the IF blogs I read and I am grateful to her. Apparently Liester means "dearest" or "beloved" and the award goes to blogs with fewer than 200 followers. Thanks Josey!! I can't believe your little one will be here so soon.

So, how it works is I get to nominate 5 bloggers. Some of these people may have been awarded already, but I love you too! Here goes:

New Year Mum who is such a sweet and supportive blogger. She could really use some love and support these days after a failed FET cycle.

Beth at Always Looking for Something New. She is a great blogger who although dealing with IF talks about lots of other fun and interesting things.

Bio Girl who entertains and amusing with her stories, especially those that involve her sweet little boy Henry.

Unaffected at for we are bound by symmetry who just got a BFP after a clinical trial IVF cycle.

and

Kat at I'm Very Far Way who is pursuing IF treatments half way across the world. Check her out.

Thanks again Josie!!

Today's Appointment

2011-11-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

I really need a cure for fertility clinic anxiety. The mix of Metformin, Estradiol and stress/anxiety is not working out so well for me. The estrogen leads to nausea which leads to Liz not eating a whole lot these days. The plus is that this also leads to my pants being a little looser, leaving a little extra room for our Thanksgiving feast.

Any tips or hints to combat fertility clinic anxiety?

The clinic was empty today and I was the only person there. They had me undress from the waist down, gave me a real sheet to cover myself with, and I waited for Dr. S. He didn't take too long and immediately asked about the bleeding when he entered the room. I told him it's still going on and is heavy like a period.

He then did the scan. My lining measured 6.5 and had a trilaminar stripe. He said this didn't correspond with me having a period. We talked about the dates I had spotting, how I had a positive OPK in October, and the plan for the future. He was confused that I was bleeding despite what my endometrium looked like. I never cease to have unexpected problems.

We came up with a plan. The plan is for me to continue on the estradiol (vaginally rather than orally to help reduce nausea) and rescan on Monday. He sent me for blood work to measure progesterone, estrogen, and Vitamin D (per my request). If I am still bleeding or my lining has decreased on Monday we will cancel the cycle and look to do the FET with the Lupron protocol probably some time in January. If the bleeding has stopped and my lining is thicker, we will continue as planned and consider this bleeding "breakthrough bleeding" which apparently sometimes occurs on estrogen. I really don't know what the plan is if my lining stays the same, I guess that isn't very likely.

So, my Monday will be spend at two different fertility clinics, getting two different ultrasounds. Doesn't that sound like a ton of fun? At least they aren't back-to-back. One appointment is at 8:30 and the other is at 2:00. Hopefully I can get some work done in between those times.

Until then I will be cooking, entertaining, black friday shopping (eek), spending time with family, relaxing, and trying to step away from thinking about this whole thing. I will instead focus on all the positive and great things I have going on in my life. I fully appreciate these things and am incredibly thankful. I got the sweetest card from a family of a little boy I work with today. It literally brought tears to my eyes (maybe hormones played a part) and made my day. A card like that beats any present any day. I hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving!!

Changes

2011-11-22T21:06:00.002-05:00

Leave it to my body to make up its own mind about things. I can't expect everything to go according to plan, can I?

I woke up to the tiniest bit of spotting. By 9:15 I was bleeding. By 10:00 I was ready to confirm it was my period. By 10:30 I was on the phone with my RE asking him if he still wanted me to come to my appointment tomorrow. Yeah, I made a lot of trips to the bathroom today.

He said that the bleeding wasn't likely anything to be too concerned about, but that it may change our plans. Yeah, it definitely will.

I'm bummed that things are going to change. There is a slim to zero chance we will be doing our FET on December 5th.

On the other hand, I'm glad AF finally showed. I've NEVER skipped my period before, although I've had some cycles in the 40 day range. Today is 48 days since my D&C and hysteroscopy. It is 15 days since my last progesterone pill, so it is hard to say what is going on.

When I was planning on a December 5th transfer I didn't think it was going to work. I didn't understand why I would skip my period for the first time ever and then transfer embryos something like 60 days later and expect them to hang around. I just wanted to complete this cycle regardless of the outcome. To move on and move forward from the IVF cycle from hell.

I started Lupron for my original round of IVF last January. I never made it to stims. In July I started stims but never made it to transfer. I am SO READY to complete this IVF cycle already.

The fact that I actually started my period gives me hope and makes me much more optimistic for the success of this FET.

I still have my appointment at 9:00 tomorrow. I'm hoping we can come up with a new plan that doesn't put us back by much. We had been considering 11/11 CD 1, so today is only 11 days after that. I would really like to complete 1 IVF cycle in 2011. Is that asking too much?

Thought Vomit... Monday??!!

2011-11-21T20:44:00.000-05:00

Upon completion of this post I realized it was more of Thought Vomit Thursday (TVT) kind of post, but hey, it's only Monday so I'll leave off the bullets.

Wednesday's ultrasound appointment is looming. I'm trying to stay relaxed and calm about everything and some days I completely forget that we are currently in a "cycle." It doesn't seem real when all you do is pop a little pill at night (estradiol) and then forget about it.

Speaking of those little pills... holy side effects. Who would think something so small could pack so much feisty?? My mornings are rough and I try not to lose it each day. Little things frustrate me to no end and I have ZERO patience. It goes well with working with 2 year olds, ha yeah right! The mornings are the worse and by the end of the day I feel much less feisty.

My appointment with Dr. Gere is in less than a week and I really need to get my file sent over. I am hoping to tackle that tomorrow. I was super impressed that when they called to confirm my appointment that they had also called my insurance to see what was covered. Although the information was nothing new, it really was nice that they had taken the time.

Last weekend I went to the spa with my friend Caitlin. She had a gift certificate for a massage and I had a guest pass so spent the time she was getting a massage running. Totally equivalent experiences. The steam room, sauna and hot tub were thoroughly enjoyed by both of us.

Caitlin has a 15 month old little girl who W and I adore. We have been spending a lot of time with Caitlin, her husband J, and their little girl E. Most weekends we get together with them. There are times when it is hard to watch them love and kiss their little girl, but E lets W and I love and kiss her too, so it's not all that bad.

I got a really nice complement at work today which made my day. It's nice to hear positive things about your work performance. Speaking of work, I'm going to try to branch out again and work with another child who had feeding issues. I will have more support this time and I feeling positive about trying again.

We are hosting Thanksgiving on Thursday. We won't have too many people (9), but my sister is coming out and I am really looking forward to that. We have been in our house 13 months and she has visited 1 time. She is the type who likes to be in her own comfort zone. Even though it is only 3 hours away you would think it was 30. I'm anxiously awaiting her pregnancy announcement, but hopefully it won't be during Thanksgiving. She started trying in August and it's only a matter of time. As long as I'm not far behind her that's fine.

I had some spotting this evening but it has gone away. I'm hoping it's nothing since it's brownish, so hopefully my lining is getting nice and cozy for our little totsicles.

Answers and a plan

2011-11-16T07:57:00.001-05:00

Dr. S called on monday evening. He started to talk about protcols for the FET and I immediately interrupted him and said, "I think we might have a different problem." When I told him the spotting never turned into bleeding he wasn't really concerned. Here I was, stressing the f*&% out and he is all casual and says it's no biggie. He said with the D&C only being about 5 weeks prior he wouldn't have expected my lining to build up that much. He wanted to call my spotting on Friday as CD1 and start the frozen cycle.

He presented two option for the protcol. The first being estrogen only like I did previously. The other option involved suppressing me first with Lupron and then using the estrogen. He spent more time talking about the Lupron one. He told me when they discussed my case in conference that the Lupron seemed like the best idea. He then started to look at the calendar and count out the days only to find with the Lupron the transfer would fall the week after Christmas when there is a "skeleton crew" working.

I then asked if we could do the protocol without Lupron. He wasn't completely pleased at first but finally talked himself into it. By the end of the conversation he was in agreement that if we do the FET right now the estrogen protocol is the best one. He warned me that the fluid could return and that we could be in the same situation again, but I realize this can happen with or without Lupron.

So Monday night he called in oral estrogen to my pharmacy and I started. We chatted briefly yesterday and I received a call later in the day that I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday at 9:00. Transfer is tentatively scheduled for Dec 5th!!!!!

Monday

2011-11-14T08:11:00.001-05:00

Did you know I'm glad today is Monday? I'm glad because Dr. S is going to call me and I'm going to get some answers. You guessed it, no AF yet.

I'm not glad the weekend is over and the workweek is starting.

My sanity hit it's worst point Saturday night when I posted. I am feeling more under control now (as under control as I can feel about a situation that is out of my control). I calmed down and spent Sunday still wishing for AF to arrive but feeling less anxious about it all.

We starting drawing lines, measuring and taping up the bedroom walls to paint. We are painting another design. Can you say huge time investment? Sounds like a great distraction!

Took another HPT this morning and got another negative. Bummer.

Can I tell you how hard it is to see everyone who I cycled with in the past get through their first trimester, prepare their nursery, buy baby things, and then prepare for the delivery of a baby? Heck, I'm still just preparing for my period. I feel like everyone is leaps and bounds ahead of me.

Adoption came up this weekend. There is some event this Friday in Syracuse for families who are adopting and both W and I looked at each other and considered it. I may attend and get more information. It sucks we have reached this point....

2 weeks from today we have our appointment with Dr. K (who will from now on be known as Dr. Gere due to his striking resemblance to Richard Gere. I am looking forward to getting a second opinion.

Dr. K

Richard Gere.
See the resemblance?

I'm losing it

2011-11-12T17:28:00.001-05:00

No changes. I'm still waiting on AF to show. Okay, maybe there are some changes. My mental status has gone from slightly insane to entirely off the deep end. I'm more anxious and stressed than when I last posted. This probably isn't helping to make AF show. I'm stressed that I'm stressing too much. Ahhh... get the idea yet?

I've been having cramping on and off and it feels like AF is going to start. My boobs still are unchanged and don't feel sore, but my skin is still breaking out. I've been short on patience and snapped a few times at the hubby. I'm confused, frustrated, anxious, and pissed.

I went back and my blog entries about my previous experiences with Provera/Prometrium. The first time I took Provera and got AF while still on it. The second time I took Prometrium and got AF the day after stopping. This time we are 5 days later and it's not looking good.

The worst part?? I got anxious on Friday and called my clinic. I was told Dr. S was in emergency surgery and was put through to a nurse so I left a message. I planned to ask at what point I should get concerned about not getting AF after taking the Prometrium and ask questions about my concerns. In the time I waited for a return call I used the bathroom and saw some spotting. The first and only spotting I have had.

I was so overly excited to see any blood I assumed it was the start of my period. Usually my period starts that way and within a few hours it is full flow. The nurse called me back and I changed my plan and told her instead that it was CD 1.

I then asked her which protcol Dr. S decided to use for my upcoming FET. She told me she couldn't reveal that information. She also couldn't tell me whether to start the estrogen or not and could only leave a message for Dr. S to call me Monday afternoon.

I have another number for Dr.S so used it and planned to leave a message. To my surprise he answered the phone and I talked quickly to him. He wasn't able to tell me which protocol he decided since he didn't have my chart in front of him. So basically the conversation didn't go anywhere except that he was leaning towards using a Lupron protcol. He said he would call me on Monday afternoon and let me know.

The spotting didn't turn into bleeding and I haven't seen anything since. I'm going crazy. My anxiety is sky high and it's not helping anything. Today is CD 38, 5 days after my last Prometrium pill, and 1 day after I lied to my RE and said I was on CD 1. Oh man, everything feels so out of control right now!

I'm thinking seriously about an acupuncture or massage session tomorrow so I don't end up in the loony bin by next week.

Oh yeah, negative HPT today so definitely not pregnant.

Aunt Flo is a no-show

2011-11-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

I popped my last prometrium pill on Monday. So here I am, waiting very impatiently for her to make her grand appearance. I know sometimes it takes a few days, but I am anxious to get started. I guess I thought the positive OPK would mean my period would come 2 weeks later. Well, 2 weeks and 4 days later I'm still waiting.

I don't feel totally like I'm going to get my period. My boobs aren't sore at all which usually happens. My skin is breaking out on my chin which is generally an AF sign. I took a HPT yesterday and it was definitely negative.

The main reason I am anxious is because we don't even have a tentative date for transfer at this point. At my last RE appointment he left it up in the air which protocol we would be following, perhaps one involving Lupron which means MORE TIME. I don't want to take the Lupron and I want to be able to avoid Thanksgiving and do the transfer this month.

I left it with Dr.S that I would give him a call with AF shows. Hopefully she will soon and I can convince him that we should do the FET this month.

Strength

2011-11-03T07:26:00.001-04:00

Sometimes when I don't update for a while, I don't even know where to start. I lot has happened, but nothing all that exciting. I started Prometrium (progesterone) on Monday and today will be day 3/7. I also did a HPT yesterday at 10 DPO and it was negative. It's amazing how the first week of the 2WW is all positivity and hopes, and the second week brings you back down to reality. Let's be honest, of the 5 eggs that were allowed to fertilize naturally during my IVF cycle (with exceptional sperm) only 1 did. The chances of me ovulating from the right side and that egg being fertilized? Not so great

Creepy Prometrium pills

I have been feeling really anxious about my upcoming FET cycle. There are so many unknowns at this point. When will I get my period? Will we be able to do the transfer this month? Will the transfer be around Thanksgiving? Will Dr. S decided to put me on Lupron and make this process even longer than it has been? Will I have fluid again? Will the estrogen lead to polyps again? I just wish I had my crystal ball. How does one not feel anxious after 5 months (retrieval was in July)?

Last spring I decided I wanted to expand myself professionally. I work as a speech pathologist in early intervention. Typically children don't come to me until there are a little under 2 and not talking. It is rare that I get a child on my caseload who is younger. Since I don't have any babies and there are babies who receive early intervention services, I looked into how I could expand to include younger children. I found out that a lot of children need help with feeding/eating so I went and took a continuing education course on feeding therapy and babies. The course was great and I learned a lot. This was really my first true exposure to feeding and swallowing in pediatrics.

Well, no feeding cases came along until late this summer a little boy D needed help. They decided to put me on the case after my request and I started seeing him last week. He just turned 1 but presents as an infant. He likely has cerebral palsy and has had numerous seizures. The physical therapist is working on head control with him and he is tiny, so he really looks more like a 2 month old. To be honest, just handling him was different for me. I've never really been around a baby like that.

I went to his daycare provider's house this week. I observed her feeding him and talked to her. I asked a lot of questions and tried feeding him. I probably didn't come across as the most confident person on the matter since this was my first real exposure outside of the classroom.

The next day the parents called and asked for a different provider with more experience. It's true, I'm trying to get the experience and I don't really have much. I look super young (probably under 20) and I guess I just rubbed the daycare provider the wrong way.

This lead to me being pulled from another feeding case I was just assigned. In a way I was relived that I didn't have to face the (possible) rejection again since my confidence was shaken. But, it really didn't make me look good professionally.

After much thought and some tears I decided to put this on the back burner. I would love to get more babies on my caseload, but I'm not that confident feeding them, especially when they are really involved.

On my drive home I called W and started crying. I said I feel like I can't do what I really want (have a baby) and if I'm no good at my job, that what am I good at? I could tell he felt really badly for me and tried to reassure me that I am great at other things. And to be honest, I am good at the parts of my job I do regularly.

Going through infertility has changed me. Deep down, my confidence in myself is diminished. When something happens either personally or professionally I don't handle it well. I've always been a sensitive person and do tend to overreact, but now its to new levels. I allow something stupid to affect me for days, further crushing my self imagine. So my decision for now is to not push the issue with work. I will stick to what I know I can do well and perhaps extend myself again when I am in a better place personally. I am not strong enough to put myself out there personally and professionally at this time.

I'm starting to realize that people can only take so much. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue on with fertility treatments and my full time job with children. It's hard to stay strong and put a smile on your face every day, and it's even harder when things aren't going well. If there's something positive to come from this, I know I am a stronger person for the things I have been through. Even though I know I will come out of this a stronger person, I'm not exactly in a strong place right now.

Have you ever considered.....

2011-10-25T07:58:00.002-04:00

Being your own RE? I joke with my hubby all the time about how I am going to become my own RE. I mean, I've talked to Dr.S enough and have a good enough grasp of this all, right? I mean, I do have a fridge full of all the meds I need. I have an idea of the dosage and at what time I ovulate, I should just go ahead, right? Who needs to pay big bucks for ultrasounds and blood work?

I am honestly just kidding. I have considered this before, but never very seriously. I guess all of our chats about OHSS did their job. This month I am off from cycling. I haven't had an active cycle since July when the transfer was cancelled. I have not had a legitimate chance of getting pregnant since May!! But I had a D&C on October 5th and my body needs time to heal and recover.

If you recall, I ovulated on Lupron during an IVF cycle (last January) and became pregnant. Forget IUI's and Clomid, apparently all I need is a little Lupron. And by a little I mean 1 shot. When we figured out how far along I was in my pregnancy we were able to figure out that I ovulated the day I started Lupron, day 21 of that cycle. Lupron triggered ovulation for me. So.... that makes me think. Would a little Lupron get me to ovulate and give me a shot this month at getting pregnant on my own (*sort of.) I'm not talking about injecting myself with Gonal-F at high doses for a few weeks, we're talking about a single shot of Lupron.

BTW, these were my thoughts last week leading up to day 14 of my cycle.

We came up with a plan at my appointment on Friday. I had been hoping Dr. S would give me the go-ahead to start oral progesterone on day 21 of this cycle so that I could have a 28-ish day cycle and get started of the FET. Well, he wants me to wait 28 days to see if I get AF on my own (yeah, I've never had a 28 day cycle). He wrote me a prescription and told me if I haven't gotten my period my Nov 1 I should start it.

Flash forward to Saturday (CD 17). We had a mellow day and were just hanging out. I decided to take a bath and saw the OPK's sitting on the vanity. I had one left and decided to take it. Well, what do you know, FIRST EVER TRUE POSITIVE on an OPK. I have always found them to be frustrating and difficult to read, but not this time. It was a clear positive. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face the rest of the day. So the question is... should you call me Dr. Liz?

An unexpected loss

2011-10-21T20:59:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated much since there really hasn't been much different or exciting going on. I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. S at 2:30 today. To say I had been looking forward to it is an understatement. I always feel better when we have a plan and are working towards that whole "getting pregnant" thing.

I was running early so made a stop at an organic supermarket. I thought I left enough time to get to my appointment, but my GPS led me the most frustrating way. I had to stop at so many red lights that I arrived a few minutes late feeling super stressed and anxious. About 5 minutes later an unfamiliar nurse called me back. She told me Dr. S was with a patient but that she was going to get my vitals.

I asked if my favorite nurse Becky was out. Becky is the main nurse at my clinic. I have gotten to know her very well over the past year + that I have been going there. The unfamiliar nurse then told me that Becky passed away about 2 weeks ago.

I wrote about how I learned Becky had cancer back in July. I'm not sure if I told the complete story at that time. One morning when one of the nurse practitioners was drawing my blood for my IVF cycle she told me more details. Becky was 38 when she passed away on October 8th. 10 years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through chemo and radiation and was in remission. In June of this year she found out her cancer was back. It was in her kidneys, liver, and bones. It didn't sound good.

To say that Becky was a great nurse in an understatement. She was a vital part of that office and my treatment to this point. She is who I called with questions or concerns and we often just chatted about life. She did one of my IUI's and was at my bedside when I woke up from anesthesia after my retrieval. When she pushed my wheelchair to my car after my retrieval she noticed my pedicure that no one else had. I felt so guilty being the one in the wheelchair since she was the one without any hair. She was there to offer her condolences at the appointment when we found out about the miscarriage.

When I went in for my sonohysterogram on Sep 19th she looked great. Her color was much better and her hair was growing back. She seemed to have more energy and was positive.

The unfamiliar nurse told me that she had gone on a cruise with her husband and became disoriented and stopped making any sense. They came home and her husband drove her from Boston to Syracuse where she died the following day.

I spent the next hour in the waiting room waiting for Dr. S and feeling horribly sad about Becky. I will update about my appointment at another time.

Susan G. Komen for the cure

Anniversary

2011-10-11T08:50:00.000-04:00

10/10/2009 was the best day of my life. I woke up and looked out the window to see this beautiful tree.

We gathered with 60 closest family members for an outdoor fall wedding. The temperatures were a bit cold but the day was beautiful and perfect in every way.

Yesterday W and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. We both ended up working even though it was a pseudo holiday, but W gets out early (3:30) so that is always nice. We went to the spa for a relaxing afternoon filled with relaxation in the steam room, saunas, and outdoor jacuzzi. In addition, we got a 50 minute couples swedish massage. W hadn't ever had one and he talked about how relaxed he was for the rest of the night. We decided it should be a once weekly occurrence, when we win the lotto.

I realized yesterday that I need to be better to myself. I need to be more positive and thankful for all of the great things I have in my life and I need to focus less on what I don't have. There's really only one thing that we don't have, and a billion other great things that we do have. I have an amazing marriage to my best friend, we both have rewarding and well paying jobs, we have a beautiful house with an extra bedroom or two to fill, 3 great pets, a wonderful family, and some great friends.

In an effort to be more positive and grateful for everything that I do have, I am going to practice being thankful for something every day. Today what I am thankful for? Another beautiful October day with temperatures well above average. I'm thankful for sunshine and beautiful fall colors.

We had a good laugh last night as we looked at the flowers W got me for the EDD of miscarriage #1. They were SO sad looking since they were over a week old and we laughed and laughed about the nice flowers W got me for our anniversary.

Since we all love weddings and photos, I will leave you with some of my favorites from our wedding day 2 years ago.

Love this picture, we had to get in the tub!

Everyone that was there that day

Polypectomy

2011-10-08T09:37:00.000-04:00

Polyp free is the way to be!! Surgery was Wednesday and everything went fine. This time it was at a surgery center instead of the hospital so I was there a much shorter amount of time. My doc said I started to shake and my body temperature dropped during the procedure, but it wasn't a big deal. I guess I will do anything for those heated blankets, conscious or not.

When Dr.S met the resident prior to the surgery and started to give my history he started with... "Elizabeth and I go way back." It seems his opinion about the miscarriage is that it was caused by low progesterone. Even though this is just an idea, it helps me feel more confident in preventing a miscarriage in the future.

I took Wednesday and Thursday off from work to stay home and relax. It was nice to not be working even though I didn't really feel like I needed the time off.

Dr. S removed at least 1 polyp, I can't remember if there are more. He took me off the BCP's and I need to go back for an appointment some time around 2 weeks. He mentioned doing another sonohysterogram before the FET to make sure everything looks good, but we will see.

He said it is unlikely the polyps would come back, but knowing me, this feels so much more likely. He said he is going to talk with his colleagues and do research to see if there is another recommended protocol. I'm nervous about the future but also feel so ready for another cycle.

Unfulfilled

2011-09-30T19:08:00.000-04:00

Today is the day that I could have become a mother. Instead I'm trying to stay positive, trying to keep my head up.

My mood goes from feeling happy and satisfied to sad and like there are a ton of bricks on my chest. I thought I would be pregnant at this point. When I got pregnant I was convinced it would happen again easily. Easy is not an accurate word to describe this journey.

I thought having a baby was supposed to be fun, exciting, and pleasurable. Instead, the past 15 months have been trying to say the least. I have shed so many tears and learned a lot about myself. I felt sad, happy, excited, and depressed all within an hour's time a thousand times over.

I wish I was holding an adorable lovable baby today. Instead, I will hug my hubby and furbabies and be glad for everything we do have. I'm not a mommy yet, but I know I will be someday soon.

Pre-Op Appointments and Life

2011-09-29T19:32:00.000-04:00

I thought yesterday was going to be a nice break from the working norm. I had two separate pre-op appointments and they were scheduled at a range of times. The first one was with my RE at 11 and the other was with the hospital (nursing, anesthesia, phlebotomist) at 1:30. It seemed to take my RE forever to fill out the paperwork and I felt like I was just sitting there watching him.

Observations I made while sitting there:

1. Dr. S has the craziest glasses. The things that keep them on his nose are always going in every direction. It doesn't look comfortable. At one point he got new ones and they looked normal, but now they are all wonky.

2. There were little flies in the plant on his desk. They looked like fruit flies or something.

3. Dr. S likes to write post-its about random unrelated things. I wonder what happens to them all.

4. The chairs are really uncomfortable.

Oh, I forgot about the bleeding/spotting. The bleeding did stop after the weekend and has since been minor spotting. Hello my panty liners friends, I've missed you.

I arrived on time to my 1:30 appointment and didn't even get called back until 2:05. In the meantime, there was some decent people-watching in the waiting room. This woman was sitting there filling out paperwork so obviously getting surgery soon. She was VERY overweight and I just figured maybe gastric bypass...?? Well, then her husband shows up with a frozen coffee beverage complete with whipped cream and she starts chatting with the secretary. She mentions a baby who only lived 25 minutes. The woman then goes on to say it took her 8 years to get pregnant with her first and 10 years with "this one". Only then do I notice she's rubbing her belly. When she got called in and I saw her I still wasn't convinced she was pregnant. I guess that will teach me to make assumptions. Yeah, probably not.

My mood has been so much better this week. I really feel like I turned a corner over the weekend and I finally feel happy and positive again. I really haven't been feeling good for a while. The days don't seem to be going as slowly and I just feel happy again. The other day I woke up and said to myself, today is going to be a good day. I have no idea where that came from, but I am glad to be feeling more upbeat again. I am really positive about everything and feel like good things are coming.

Work has been good. My caseload is pretty moderate and I am seeing abut 7 kids/day which is nice. I also am supervising a graduate student from Ithaca College where I completed my masters. She is really nice and is with me on Friday's. It is a nice distraction and she has started to take over my job a little bit. It is great to be able to relax a bit on Friday and have someone in the car with me to chat. She is great with the kids and they all like her. The only problem? I didn't realize how great it was to be able to pass gas in the car (and roll down the windows of course when necessary). By the end of the day my stomach is never happy from all the built-up pressure. Haha, aren't you glad I shared that?

I've been running at the gym. I'm not going fast, but my endurance has definitely improved. I started running outside in late Aug after my transfer was cancelled but now that I am at the gym and running on the treadmill I can see and feel progress in the amount of time, distance run, speed, etc. I am hoping to sign up for a 5k around Halloween with some friends.

All in all, things are much better. Our anniversary is coming up and we are trying to plan something nice. Last year we moved into our house the weekend of our anniversary so we celebrated that way. This year we won't be celebrating by unpacking.

Menopur

2011-09-26T07:45:00.000-04:00

I have a box of Menopur that is unused but will expire at the end of this month. If anyone wants it or knows someone who can use it, let me know and I will mail it off.

I just checked the expiration this weekend and found it was this month. Any takers????

Really?

2011-09-26T07:43:00.001-04:00

Nothing else unidentifiable has appeared, so that is good.

I went to my GYN for my annual this week. When she asked if anything had changed, I gave her the full run-down. I barely made it through without starting to cry. This makes me wonder whether I've reached a point where I really should see a counselor. She was very nice and everything was super quick. I mentioned the tissue thing to her and she didn't seem to think anything of it. I was still spotting at that time.

On Friday I started bleeding, like a period. I'm still on birth control pills and haven't missed any. That afternoon I called my RE's office and left a message for him to call me back.

When he called, another 45 minute conversation ensued. He offered me another sonohysterogram prior to the hysteroscopy but I said no. He said it was possible that I passed the polyps, but it was certainly unusual and without a tissue specimen it was impossible to tell. He left it as he planned to keep me on BCP's but to call Monday afternoon to let him know if the bleeding had stopped.

I was bleeding all weekend, so no, it didn't stop. I will call this afternoon and see what he has to say. It's not quite as heavy as a period, but definitely not just spotting.

He also said that we won't be able to do the FET until I have a cycle after the polypectomy. This means at least 6 weeks until CD 1 for FET.

We rejoined the Y this week so I am hoping to do some running/jogging more consistently. Wish me luck!

Conversation with RE this afternoon and pre-op appointment on Wednesday.

Unidentified

2011-09-22T08:16:00.002-04:00

TMI alert. You probably want to skip this entire post if you aren't interested about the inner-most workings of my effed up body.

I had some spotting yesterday. I think it was still a result of the sonohysterogram from Monday, so it didn't concern me. What concerned me was when I went to the bathroom to pee when I wiped a large piece of tissue was there. It was larger than a quarter but not rounded. I have no idea what the hell it was. It was almost like a membrane, but what the...???

When I went to flush I noticed there were two more pieces in the toilet. Then more spotting for the rest of the day.

I called the nurse at my clinic just to let her know and perhaps find out what was going on, but she said she would tell me doc and possibly call me back. No phone call so I think I will survive. I guess I'm not dying. The nurse did tell me to save it if there were more, but there wasn't any more.

She said she knew you can shed a fibroid because she's seen to happen with another patient, but she had no idea whether that was possible with polyps. I seriously doubt it, but I'm not gonna lie, if there aren't any polyps there when I have my hysteroscopy I am going to be pissed.

In other exciting news I have my annual appointment with my GYN today. Two violations in one week? No wonder we haven't had any sex, I'm getting enough action without my hubby.

UPDATE: I just talked to the nurse from my clinic. She said without bringing the tissue in to be looked at by the lab, there is no way to tell what it was. She said it isn't likely that someone could shed a polyp unless it was barely hanging on. Mine didn't appear that way. In the future, I am supposed to save anything like that and bring it in so the lab can figure out what it is. It's just another mystery now. I said "So it was probably just some tissue that got dislodged from the sono?" Her reply, "There's shouldn't be any tissue there." Who the hell knows!

Hurdles

2011-09-19T22:32:00.000-04:00

Why do the hurdles keep getting higher? Do you know how short my legs are?

I had SHG #2 today. W was able to make it this time so it was nice to have him there. The procedure itself was uncomfortable, but it didn't take very long. The results....2 polyps. Just great.

So now I have surgical procedure involving anesthesia #4 with Dr. S scheduled. I had Lap #1 last Oct, Lap #2 with bonus D&C in Feb, and my egg retrieval in July.

My surgical hysteroscopy is scheduled for October 5th at noon. I have my pre-op appointment next Wednesday. The procedure itself is supposed to be quick, I just wish it could have been scheduled sooner.

I can't say I was shocked or surprised about having polyps. At this point I have started to expect the worse, so I had kinda prepped myself to receive the news of polyps. The endometrial biopsy showed traces, so it's no huge surprise. My RE thinks they grew as a result of the high levels of estrogen during my IVF and pseudo-FET cycle. He wasn't able to say whether the poyps and the fluid were related.

I will stay on the birth control pills until at least October 5th. My biggest question to Dr. S was when will we be able to do the FET after the hysteroscopy? He wasn't able to give me an answer, but said he would discuss it with the panel of doctors this Thursday in order to make the best decision. He said he would call me on Friday and let me know what the consensus is.

Today was the closest I have come to breaking down in tears in Dr. S's office. Is this FET ever going to happen?

Getting there

2011-09-12T20:14:00.001-04:00

Only one week until my next appointment with Dr.S. This is to do sonohysterogram #2. I have very mixed feelings about everything at this point. I have been on birth control pills for almost 5 weeks now, just waiting to get to my next appointment.

Taking a forced break didn't do great things for my mindset. I lost momentum, positivity. I put my vehicle into neutral and didn't move for weeks while the traffic continued around me.

I wore shorts to work today. When I looked down and saw how hairy my legs were, I knew it had been too long since I had had an ultrasound or appointment. During my IVF cycle in July my legs were shaved so consistently. Nowadays I do it maybe 1x/week. Don't worry, I have shaved since my last appointment : )

I hadn't thought much about my miscarriage lately but there is one reminder. On Facebook my neighbor as a little girl (who is 3 years younger than me) is pregnant and due around the same time I was. Today her status read: "9 months pregnant and baby could come anytime in the next 1-6 weeks! I have started getting some mild cramping on and off everyday... my body is getting ready. I wonder when she will come :)" I really should block her, but I guess I want to torture myself watching her belly grow bigger and bigger.

I had to go to the dentist today. Last Thursday I was snacking on something and then noticed part of my molar had chipped off. I went today and got it all fixed but I think I may dread sitting in the dentists' chair more than reclining in a chair with stirrups. That's a tough one....what about you, what is your preference? Dentist or RE?

Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-07T19:51:00.001-04:00

I haven't updated in a while, but I don't really have any exciting news to report. I am still chugging away taking my BCP's, feeling like time is passing rather slowly. I finally called the clinic today (spoke with them last week) and got my appointment scheduled for the sonohysterogram (SHG). Guess what day they had me for? The same day I have a consult scheduled with the other RE, September 19th.

I had to make a decision, and I chose to keep the SHG appointment and reschedule the appointment with the other RE Dr. K. I feel good about this decision because I was feeling a little stressed and pressured about the upcoming appointment. I'm not quite ready to switch RE's, I was really just seeking a second opinion. I rescheduled it for the next available time (November 28). Doing this allows me to go forward the next few months with Dr. S 100%. I feel comfortable and confident with my decision.

So on to Labor Day weekend. We went to Cape Cod with my family for my cousin's wedding. We rode in the car with my Mom, stepdad, and 9 year old brother. It was nice to spend some time with them although it was a LOT of driving over 3 days. We left early Friday and arrived around 3. We stayed at a house with my parents, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, her husband, and their 2 little boys. My aunt and uncle live in Cali so we rarely see them, and my cousin (H) and her hubby live in Jackson, WY and I hadn't yet met her boys. I really only met her hubby at their wedding.

H's boys are 3 years and 5 months. The 3 year old (T) took to me immediately and we became best buds over the weekend. He wanted me to play with him constantly and would refuse to play with anyone else. He got jealous when I held his baby brother and kept asking me how many more minutes I was going to hold him for. I had a great time and really enjoying spending time with the little guy. Not to mention, he is pretty darn cute! His Dad was sad when he only wanted to hold my hand and his little looks melted my heart. I can't imagine how much I will love them when I have my own kids.

On Friday we went on a boat for the rehearsal dinner. Best. rehearsal dinner. ever!

Passed hor d'oerves, full open bar, raw bar with oysters and clams, lobster rolls, clam chowder, etc. Can you tell how amazing the food was? I ate SO MANY oysters since they were absolutely amazing. I've never really been a fan, but when you are eating them above the water they came from, they taste pretty fresh and delicious. I had quite a few drinks and found the boat was easier to walk on the more drinks one consumed. My hubby said it was because of the water being calmer, but I am going with the beverage theory.

The wedding was Saturday and was quite the event. The ceremony was in a small church next to the water and the reception was at a historic house. There were over 200 people and the hor d'oerves were again AMAZING. Bacon wrapped scallops, beef tenderloin with gorgonzola, coconut shrimp, fried oysters, scallops with gazpacho, lobster salad, spanakopita, ahi tuna, crab cakes, shrimp with andouille sausage, etc, etc, etc. When we sat down for dinner we were SO FULL. The dancing was a lot of fun, the party was great, and spending time with family was great. The bride looked beautiful and her hubby and his family made your neck hurt looking up at them.

Maybe it's because I didn't notice previously, or maybe because the bride and groom are already in their mid 30's, but boy were there a lot of references to having babies in their ceremony and during the speeches.

All in all, it was a GREAT weekend. Highlights? My little buddy T and the food! I think I can get away with not eating for a few weeks and be OK.

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

With my Cousin H and her hubby

Doesn't he look patriotic?

Enjoying the last of the sun on the boat

Mmmmm....raw bar!

gorgeous Cape Cod scenery

Beautiful bride with her Mom

My little buddy T. Isn't he adorable?

The bridal party took a trolly to the reception

W with our bro

first dance

An Adventure in the Woods

2011-08-29T17:31:00.001-04:00

Thursday I decided I needed a change of scenery and talked to the hubby about a weekend of camping/backpacking in the Adirondack Mountains. On short notice we decided to go. We got all of our supplies packed and headed out as early as possible on Friday afternoon. I wanted to return to the first place we ever went camping called Siamese ponds. During the next two days I repeatedly asked myself how good of shape I was in when we first went 6 years ago.

Although we left early on Friday, we didn't have quite enough time. The hike in to the lean-to and camping area was 4 miles. Going in it wasn't bad, lots of downhill with some up along a river and tricky terrain. We left our car with all of our stuff and two dogs at 6:45 (WAY too late!) We ended up doing the last 30-45 minutes with flashlights, not fun at all. I was seriously just in charge mode and we didn't rest at all during the hike in.

We didn't see anyone until we arrived at the lean-to. The dogs starting barking like crazy and a guy was there. He was by himself, upper 50's, and immediately asked us if we were the cops (any missing criminal you know of that fits that description?) After that I kinda feared he was going to kill us out in the woods, but we ended up OK. He did help us to find a great campsite and we set up our tent and got our dinner cooking on the camp stove. In addition, I had gotten us camping wine glasses so we were able to enjoy some wine with our dinner. Pretty fantastic! W was not thrilled about carrying the wine in, but it was totally worth it in my opinion.

On Saturday we got up, had some eggs and hung around for a little bit. We then decided to do a day-hike to the Siamese ponds. To get there was 2.3 miles and there was so much uphill hiking to get there. The view was completely worth it and the dogs had a great time. While we were sitting next to the pond we heard a loon calling to another one. It was so relaxing and perfect.

The funny thing is, 6 years ago when we hiked to that pond we decided there was a perfect rock for some lovin'. I understand now why we didn't think we would see anyone. Well, we were wrong that time. A guy out in his canoe whistled to get our attention and it is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. This time we didn't see anyone, but we also didn't give that rock any extra attention.

We hiked back to our campsite and took a little nap. The creepy guy had a radio with him and came to tell us that the hurricane was likely to bring lots of rain and wind which in not safe for being in a tent. So, we made the call to head back that afternoon.

We hiked out the remaining 4 miles again with our packs and it was pretty rough on the way out. All that down on the way in... yeah, meant lots of up on the way back. We were able to rest more and made it back to the car a little short of 24 hours later. So, in total we hiked 12.6 miles in 24 hours, 8 of which we had our packs for. It was a little much and we spent yesterday lounging around complaining about how sore we were.

It was really nice to get away. Although I wasn't able to completely avoid talking about IF, it was at a minimum. It was a great distraction, but unfortunately it never lasts. Here are some photos of our little trip.

Good morning dogs!

Enjoying my coffee by the river

Mmm... eggs!

Pepper by the lean-to

View from the suspension bridge

Me and Togie on the bridge

Dogs begging for a snack during a hiking break. Togie had her own pack and carried all the dog food.

Siamese pond

Me on "the rock" and Pepper

W relaxing by the pond

The river on the hike out

Hiking out

W on a cool bridge along the hike

Me on the bridge

Becoming a more patient person

2011-08-25T08:37:00.000-04:00

My doc called today while I was in the middle of a therapy session. As soon as my phone rang I excused myself. I felt bad just getting up and leaving for 15 minutes, but there was no way I was missing another call from him. He apologized for not calling back sooner as he was out sick Monday and Tuesday.

Dr. S talked about the results of the biopsy. He first talked about the proliferative endometrium and said that although it was concerning, but there was nothing we were going to do about it at this time. When I told him I had only been on the progesterone one day he said that it may not have been enough time. I asked about how my progesterone levels got so high during the IVF cycle and he said that is in the blood and that my endometrium may be different. Without doing a biopsy the only thing you can do is measure the blood levels of progesterone and go by what you see on ultrasound.

He then talked about the traces of the polyp that were found. He was surprised since he had done a sonohysterogram (SHG) in Dec and didn't see anything then. He said that they don't often pop up in a short amount of time and that there is no real reason why this would happen. He said if I had been on estrogen the entire time without exposure to progesterone, that could cause a polyp, but it isn't the case with me. The only thing that could explain why we didn't see anything with the first SHG was because it wasn't done on the high resolution ultrasound machine at their office. He wants to do another SHG on the high resolution machine and see whether we see something. He said it is rare to miss polyps on a SHG because they light right up. If we do find a polyp we will likely do a hysteroscopy. He didn't want to go there immediately because it means surgery and he doesn't want to subject me to unnecessary surgery.

Doing another SHG means having to schedule with the ultrasound technician and my RE. He said he would try to do it before going out of town next week, but he wasn't sure about scheduling.

The receptionist called me a few hours later to tell me they won't be able to get me in before Dr. S goes out of town next week. They will have the nurse call me next week to schedule. I was disappointed at first, but at least now we have a plan in place. I am hoping we will be able to schedule it for the Monday when he is back. Until then, I guess I just continue taking BCP's and crossing off the days on the calendar.

We are looking at the week of the 12th for the HSG. If they find something, who knows when they would do the hysteroscopy. Looks like September is likely out for the FET. The hardest part about that is that my EDD for the miscarriage is September 30th. I really thought I was going to be pregnant again by the time that rolled around.

Things haven't been easy the past couple of months. W said the other night that he wants a list of all the potential problems we could encounter and once we cross them all off then we know we will get pregnant. It really seems like one roadblock after another and that is something can go wrong it will. I'm starting to become more patient and understanding with this. There is really nothing I can do about it, and feeling badly about it all the time doesn't help. I'm tying to distract myself and focus on other things, but it is hard.

I made a realization about friends lately as well. If we find a nice couple to hang out with (usually they are married), they are either pregnant or they already have a baby. As much as I like them, it is hard to spend tons of time gushing about their babies. There is no "safe" couple to spend time with these days. That means I am hanging out with younger people who are more at the partying stage of their lives. This isn't a great influence on being healthy and making good decisions. I feel like I just can't relate to any friends right now.

A few months ago I made an appointment with the other RE in the area. I am happy with the care I receive with Dr. S. I am happy he knows who I am and takes the time to call me personally and talk for 45 minutes if needed. I am happy with the treatment as well as decisions made to this point, but at times I do feel like Dr. S is overly conservative about things. I'm not really displeased in any major way, but the price is a huge consideration. The other RE (Dr.K) has package deals, and they have one package deal I am considering. I have an appointment scheduled with him coming up in September. I never thought it would get here so quickly and I had previously hoped I wouldn't need it when I made it in June. Now I am faced with canceling the appointment and sticking with Dr. S for now until we at least complete an IVF cycle, or seeing the other doc and finding out what he has to say. I feel like my case has been so complicated it will be hard for the new doc to follow it all. Also, I have to get my file to the new doc and that means notifying my current office and making them think I'm not happy with the care I receive. Is there really any point in seeing another doc if we can't even get out of the starting blocks with my current doc?

Any advice?

Biopsy Results

2011-08-23T08:10:00.001-04:00

I have a new idea for any doctors. Never call your patients on Friday afternoon and leave a message.

On Friday I missed a call from my RE and he left a message. Really?? A message on at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon with no hope of any conversation until Monday.

And then? He was out sick on Monday.

On the message he said he had the pathology results of the endometrial biopsy. The biopsy revealed a small fragment of benign polyp and a proliferative endometrium (no progesterone effect). He said we will have to address the polyp as it could interfere with implantation. He was also surprised that he was seeing no progesterone affect as he thought I had been on it at least 2 days. I had actually only done one shot and it was fewer than 24 prior to the biopsy. He said that I could be progesterone resistant as some women with PCOS are. He is not sure, but this is something he will have to look at. He ended the call by saying we would have a further discussion Monday over the phone about it.

I left a message yesterday both at the clinic (the nurse is out this week) and on his "academic" line that is a direct line to his personal voicemail. I guess I will have to keep my phone glued to me today.

Upon consulting Dr. Google, it seems that removal of polyps usually entails a hysteroscopy and D&C. Any personal experiences from anyone out there with polyps?

I really just want to have a plan in place and hopefully be able to execute the plan prior to my RE leaving for 10 days on Sep 1st. In a sense I like to think that dealing with this issue will make the fluid no longer be an issue. I know it will mean more time before we are able to do the transfer. Why does it feel like I am the only one standing still on this journey lately?

Hopefully I will talk to Dr. S today and have some answers and a plan in place. I will update when I do.

Happy ICLW August

2011-08-21T13:10:00.001-04:00

August... really? Wow, this summer flew by! Happy ICLW to new and old readers. My name is Liz and I just turned 28 a few weeks ago. We have been TTC for 15 months but seeing a RE just about the whole time. Our journey started with a diagnosis of PCOS and a huge cyst on my left fallopian tube that I ended up getting 2 laparopscopic surgeries for. The first time we drained it but then it returned a few months later and I ended up losing my left tube with the second surgery.

In January I became pregnant but that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks (only measured 6 weeks). After that we tried 2 IUI's but were unsuccessful so moved on to IVF. I did my first IVF cycle in July and wasn't able to transfer the embryos due to fluid in my uterus the day of transfer. We froze the 5 embryos on day 3 and tried a FET in August. A few days before the scheduled transfer we again saw fluid. Most recently I had an endometrial biopsy to try to determine the cause of the fluid. I haven't gotten the complete results yet but it appears like it will involve more complications and delays.

Outside of IF treatments I work with young children and love my job. My hubby graduated in May and we recently became a DINK family (dual income, no kids). We have 3 fantastic fur babies that keep us occupied and entertained.

I like to ask readers questions for ICLW and also answer them, so here goes:

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?

On my phone or computer cruising the internet.

What did you do growing up that got you into a lot of trouble?

Everything and anything. The biggest ones? Sneaking out of the house and being a smart ass.

Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but turned out to be for the best? This didn't happen to me personally but my hubby tore his ACL skiing. He loved physical therapy so much he chose it as a career path. You never know when a big mistake will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

What is your first memory of being really excited?

I remember getting a new bike for Christmas when I was about 5 and then riding it into the lake we lived on.

Also, if you are visiting and leave a comment, please leave me your blog address so I can come visit.

The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy

2011-08-15T19:44:00.001-04:00

So someone else shared this story on their blog and I just read the entire story tonight. It is long, but well worth the read.

The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy

I guess I am the IVF'er who would prefer twins. I can't imagine working so hard and spending so much to get pregnant and then reducing from twins. My opinion is if you can't handle the thought of twins, then do a single embryo transfer.

What are your thoughts?

Roadblock

2011-08-13T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm glad I went for another ultrasound before doing the transfer. Yesterday afternoon I had another ultrasound followed by an appointment with Dr. S. The ultrasound revealed the same amount of fluid plus traces of additional fluid next to it.

I then met with Dr. S. He pointed out the trace fluid and gave me three options. 1) Go ahead with the transfer despite there being more fluid 2) Cancel the transfer and do an endometrial biopsy, 3) Cancel the transfer and do nothing.

We talked for a while and I asked for his best recommendation. He said none of those situations are ideal, but since we know a FET is less successful than a fresh transfer, it would be best to eliminate any other variables that may reduce the chances of implantation. He also said he would hate for it to not work and look back and say we should have waited. He looked at the ultrasound and my trial transfer and tried to determine if he could avoid the fluid. It was possible, but not the ideal placement for them. He was planning to place the embryos where the new fluid appeared. He doesn't know why the fluid keeps reappearing since I don't have a hydrosalpinx and there is no possible reason at this time. He recently rechecked my testosterone levels and they were normal (thanks Metformin!) He's not sure we will be able to avoid this happening in the future, but it is probably best to wait and see what happens in subsequent cycles. It's not a problem I had doing IUI's or on anything ultrasound until last month.

I opted for choice number 2. He did the biopsy right then and it was not fun. I wasn't able to take anything prior so there was a lot of cramping, but nothing horrible. It felt similar to an IUI but with much more cramping. I saw the tissue he removed and it was a decent amount.

After the biopsy I went back into his office to get my prescription and paperwork to bring to the receptionist. At first he wrote me a prescription for oral progesterone and told me to take it for a week and then would start the protocol for the FET once I get my period. He then informed me that he is going to be out of town from Sep 1-11. We looked at a calendar and determined that if I took the progesterone and we started another cycle, the next time we would do the transfer would fall during that time he was away. He offered that the other RE in the office could do it, but I've never even met the guy. So, after some discussing with the nurse he decided to put me on birth control pills and keep me on them until he is back. That way he will be there to make any decisions and not have to communicate over the phone with the office during my cycle.

In a sense I feel relief. I know this is the best decision and gives me the best chances for the future. I'm not sure why this fluid started appearing and has now become a chronic problem. I'm hoping giving my body a break for a month will help and the fluid won't reoccur in the future.

I had the cyst and surgery and wasn't able to start trying until January. Once January hit we did the IVF that got cancelled because I got pregnant, a miscarriage in Feb followed by a D&C and laparopscopy #2. March was spent waiting for my cycle to start again after the miscarriage, I tried Clomid + IUI in April, injectables + IUI in May, Lupron started for IVF in June, IVF cycle in July was cancelled at the time of the transfer due to fluid, and a cancelled FET cycle in August. I need to step away and take a month off, forced or not.

At the same time I am disappointed. Disappointed that this has been so difficult, disappointed that my body won't cooperate, and disappointed that I will be in limbo for another month. I need to step back from infertility and distract myself. I need to live life outside of trying to get pregnant and just be. This is going to be hard, but it is something I know I have to do. At this point I don't know how to not focus on TTC. We shall see how the next month pans out. As I left the office my RE apologized that we had to cancel the transfer again. My response, "I'm learning how to be patient."

"I'm working for you."

2011-08-11T16:07:00.001-04:00

Although this is true of every doctor, I think it is rare for them to actually say this.

I called and left a message for Dr. S yesterday morning and heard back that afternoon. We talked for about 45 minutes and I got off the phone feeling much better about the situation. I knew if I talked to him I would understand his logic more about continuing with the cycle. When I first saw the fluid I thought for sure the cycle would be cancelled. When I heard the transfer was still on, I lost confidence in the cycle working. I needed to talk to him, voice my concerns, and hear his rationale.

Basically he said it is my choice and if I don't feel comfortable putting the embryos back in we won't. He said the amount of fluid was very, very small compared to last time and located at the very top of my uterus. In case you were wondering, the very top of your uterus is called the fundus. Add that to your vocabulary!

He said as soon as he saw the ultrasound he knew I was freaking out. He said some patients don't even watch during an ultrasound, but that he knew I saw the fluid. I guess he knows me by now : )

I voiced my fears about having more fluid the day of the transfer and having no choice but to put the embryos back. He understood that and offered me another ultrasound before that time to be sure the fluid doesn't change. He feels confident putting them back if the fluid is the same. If there is more than we will cancel and do an endometrial biopsy.

Apparently there isn't any way to remove the fluid without traumatizing my lining, so just draining it isn't an option. Also, sending the fluid for testing doesn't make much sense either because he said he didn't know what to test it for. If we tested anything it would be the endometrial tissue and that is unlikely to show anything.

I feel confident in his decision to continue this cycle. I am thankful that he has taken so much time to talk to me and explain things clearly.

I have another ultrasound followed by an appointment with him tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping the fluid is gone, but no change would also be OK.

Letting go of control

2011-08-09T22:21:00.000-04:00

So I didn't hear from my RE or the nurse yesterday. We went for a long walk with the dogs and I kept waiting for the phone to ring. Actually, my phone doesn't ring anymore. The ringer died a few months ago and now it only vibrates. I am waiting to upgrade to the new iPhone when it finally comes out. The anxiety of having my phone so close and waiting for a call isn't fun. I'm still yet to miss a call though, so I guess my phone is doing the job.

Since I didn't hear last night I changed my estrogen patches (Vivelle) and upped the dose to 4. My belly is now covered in patches. Today I had a dull headache most of the day, but this tends to accompany an increase in dosage.

Again today I waited for the call. I can't say I had my phone on me all day, but I checked it multiple times. Around 3:00 I left a message for the nurse. She called me back around 4:00. I just asked her what was going on. She said we are still on for the transfer on Monday. I am supposed to start progesterone PIO's on Thursday and the Dexamathasone on Friday. I asked about the fluid and she said my RE acknowledged it but wasn't concerned. It was a much smaller pocket of fluid so he is still planning the transfer. She said he would be able to avoid the fluid when placing the embryos, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I asked if the fluid could increase and she said most likely it will decrease or go away. She also said the fluid may just be something I have mid-cycle and something we may not be able to avoid.

I felt a need to call my RE and discuss this with him. As much as I want to do the transfer, I want the best chances.

I went to my fertility yoga class tonight. There were 3 new people there and myself. The instructor didn't show up so they ended up canceling the class. I sat in the waiting room area and chatted with the other women for a little bit. The receptionist gave me 2 free passes for future classes and then offered up acupuncture for free to all of us. Ummm... yes please! It was the same guy as the one who did my session prior to the transfer last month. He asked for the update and talked to me for a bit. He did a relaxation session and within 3 minutes of getting the needles in, I felt amazing. I love acupuncture, especially when it is free. He made me more relaxed about the fluid and said they would cancel it if needed so that if they are planning to do the transfer, I should have confidence in the decisions made. He told me to stay relaxed and warm until the transfer and I scheduled appointments for before and after my transfer on Monday. He reset all of my feelings and brought me back down to where I was last month. I really needed a reminder of how I can only control so much and have to leave the important decisions up to others.

The transfer is scheduled for Monday at 2:30. I need to find a way to stay relaxed and calm about everything. I'm not sure if I will call my RE to talk about the fluid or not.

Now I just need to make it through this week. I will be PUPO next week! I am really starting to get excited. I need to remind myself that I can only control so much. I will do my best to make good and healthy decisions and control my body and state of mind to the best of my ability. The rest is out of my hands.

Not sure

2011-08-08T14:58:00.000-04:00

I wrote last night that I wasn't nervous about my appointment. I woke up this morning feeling completely different and so anxious. My stomach was in knots, my head hurt a bit, and I had zero appetite. I guess once you have something bad happen at an appointment you forever fear it happening again. This morning I was so scared of them finding fluid again.

Guess what?

My fears were confirmed. My lining was triple striped and great at 12, but there was a small pocket of fluid again. The most frustrating part of this is that it wasn't there 10 days ago when I went in for my baseline ultrasound. This means I had fluid last month, it went away, and now more/different fluid is back.

I have been getting ultrasounds for a year now consistently. Before last month I never had any issues with fluid in my uterus. Now it seems to be a problem I can't avoid.

I haven't heard from my RE or the nurse yet, but I am expecting the call will be from Dr. S. I am going to ask him if we can drain it to see what the hell is going on and then monitor and possibly still do the transfer. I don't think he will be down for this, but I guess you never know.

I'm starting to wonder whether this is ever going to happen for us. I'm really starting to think we should pursue adoption or take a break from treatments. I am so frustrated right now!

Birthday Festivities

2011-08-07T23:00:00.000-04:00

My birthday was Wednesday, but the celebrations lasted almost all week. On Wednesday (my birthday) my hubby and I went out for a great Italian dinner. We had delicious food and he got me a great present. A huge bouquet of beautiful flowers and a blue-ray player that can stream off of the internet with surround sound. We have really been enjoying that!

On Thursday we had dinner with my parents and brother. The family tradition is a lobster dinner for my birthday and it is always delicious. We had ice cream cake and it was nice to see them and spend some time at their house. We talked about an upcoming wedding (Sep 3rd) where we are going to Cape Cod. I am super excited to see all of my step-father's family and have a great time. Hopefully I won't be drinking at that wedding : )

Friday afternoon I went for a walk with co-worker C. She is the one who had baby Max a few months ago and is one of the few people completely in the loop about my fertility treatments. We were able to talk for a while and hang out with Max. He is really growing into his cheeks and was fun to hold. He is smiling and cooing and is super cute. Friday night we had my B friend over and we rented a movie through our new blue-ray player and drank some wine. We stayed up late talking and laughing.

Last night my in-laws took us out for an AMAZING dinner. It was the best meal I've had in over a year and was so indulgent (as if every other dinner this week wasn't). After that we met up with B and her new guy interest at a bar and had some drinks. Her birthday is today so we were able to celebrate some after it hit midnight. I don't think W and I have been to a bar even a handful of times since we have been married. Definitely different for us, but still very fun.

Today we went over to my in-laws house and went swimming. My in-laws have been great about asking what is new in the treatment area and my FIL was super excited that I had extra syringes he could use for house projects.

Tomorrow is my appointment. I'm not nervous about it. It will be quick and I expect to hear from the nurse or my RE later in the day. I will know what my lining measures tomorrow and that is all that is important right now. I did find out from the nurse at my clinic that my estradiol levels were 23 on day 5 of my cycle. This means although there were cysts, that they weren't producing estrogen. I don't expect them to be gone since I have felt them from time-to-time, but I also don't think they are much of an issue. The estradiol patches have been going fine. When I changed from one patch every two days to two, I got pretty bad headaches. Tomorrow afternoon I change from 2 patches to 4 and am expecting some more headaches. I joke that the brand is Vivelle and that it sounds sexy. Not sure, don't ask. I have definitely been feeling more feisty and irritable this week, but W is great about it all. I am really hoping my transfer will be moved up to this week, but I should have a better idea tomorrow. Right now it is scheduled for a week from tomorrow.

In terms of eating healthy and exercising, that part hasn't been going well. It doesn't even feel like I am doing a cycle since I haven't had many appointments. Yoga was cancelled last week and I didn't go the week before that. I haven't been to acupuncture at all. I said to W it felt very similar to the cycle we did Clomid and an IUI for. It was basically one ultrasound and an appointment. This cycle is a little more than that (likely 3 ultrasounds) and will hopefully be much more successful. I am mixed in my feelings about the FET. I know our embryos aren't the best quality, but I really want it to work. I'm so sick of fighting for this, that I have days where I wonder if it's all worth it. I know it will be, but I just want to not have to fight any longer. I think there are times where I lose track of what exactly I am fighting for, I just know I haven't won yet and need to continue.

Flowers Galore

2011-08-06T17:41:00.001-04:00

Since I don't have much to post about fertility related, I thought I would share some photos of my flower garden. My favorite flowers are dahlias. My dad always grew them so I had them in my wedding bouquet and as centerpieces at my rehearsal dinner. I decided this year I was going to plant my own since we have flower gardens. Needless to say, I am obsessed and have to check on their progress daily. We did have a ton of japanese beetles who thought they were delicious so the first few ones that flowered got chomped. We since got a beetle trap and my dad told me a trick to keep them away.

The dahlias are located on the end of our 50 foot flower garden. Here is the area before we started:

Tons of weeds

And here is the progress of the same area

Mostly planted, early sprouts

Things are getting bigger and starting to flower

beebalm transplanted from my Dad's garden

calla lilly

echinacea

Stargazer lillies

We also have hydrangea outside of the garden, but located close by. The white ones appear to have been there a while since they are so big and tall:

The pink ones were a housewarming gift form our neighbors

And since I talked so much about the dahlias, here they are:

Whoops!

2011-08-02T22:28:00.003-04:00

Today was not a great day. I made some smart ass comment to my friend/co-worker in front of my boss. We were joking about it being our birthdays this week and wanting a "birthday bonus." I really was just joking, but my boss took it the wrong way. My friend later told me he was in a crappy mood all morning, but I had just arrived and didn't realize this. He called me about a half hour later and told me if I wasn't happy with my job he didn't want me working for him. I explained and apologized, but felt really crappy after that happened. We talked it out and he ended the conversation by him saying he was happy with me and my performance but that I can't be saying things like that. It was super careless and in the two years I've been working for him I've never had any issues. Today was an exception, but a reminder about how sometimes my big mouth can get me into trouble.

After my talk with my boss I went to a house for an initial visit. The child did really well and the Mom knows me already as I did the evaluation a few weeks prior. One of the big issues with this child is she throws huge tantrums when she doesn't get her way. As I was leaving the little girl got outside and was on the front porch. The mom didn't want her outside and was worried about getting her back inside as she started to throw a tantrum. I tried to help get her inside and she became upset. One of my hands was full but I picked her up with the other and tried to bring her inside. As we got into the doorway she threw herself back suddenly, and... hit her head on the floor. It wasn't from very high but she immediately started screaming even louder. Man, I really struck out today. I apologized and said I didn't realize she would do that. The Mom didn't seem very upset since I'm sure it's happened before, but I still felt awful by that point. I don't think it was a big deal, but it still sucked.

I went out to dinner with the same friend and co-worker and we talked about what happened. She said she didn't think the comment was out of line but that he obviously took it personally. I feel better about it now, but I realize I can't get too comfortable around him. It is difficult because he is a co-worker as well and seems to prefer to be treated like a co-worker rather than a boss. I really wasn't even talking to him and honestly lost sight of the fact that he was in the room listening.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am hoping for a better day. Although I am working, I am determine to have a great day. I am turning 28, but prefer to stick with 25. I can definitely pull it off for a few more years.

I upped my estrogen patches to 2 today. I have been getting slight headaches and I noticed this evening that my shoulders appear to be breaking out a little bit. Next appointment is next Monday the 8th. How is today only Tuesday??

If it's not one thing....

2011-07-31T11:56:00.001-04:00

I had my appointment on Friday afternoon. W wasn't able to make it since he was working, so I was nervous and anxious the hours leading up to my appointment. I was still bleeding and didn't have high hopes for a green light to start the FET.

When I got there the ultrasound tech took me down to the room and told me Dr. S wanted to watch. I was shaking at that point. I told her I need Valium for all of my future appointments. Dr. S stood in the room with his arms crossed, looking at the screen. I think he was making us both nervous.

Well, my uterus looked great. It was clear of any fluid. This was such a huge relief.

Then the tech went on to scan my ovaries, and boom, huge cysts on each. I think the right ovary had 2 or 3 cysts and the left had 1. They weren't exactly small either (about 2-3 cm). Since I have had so many ultrasounds I knew the cysts as soon as I saw them. The tech told me to get dressed and meet my RE in his office.

At that point I was grateful the fluid was gone, but nervous as to what the cysts would mean. My RE then wanted to do a literature search about cysts and starting a FET cycle. Since he works in an academic setting and does research himself, he is always consulting the literature prior to making decisions. He even had 3 articles printed relating to PCOS and FET protocols that he had found prior to my appointment. Good thing I took classes about research and statistics so I can better understand when he pulls them and the technical terms out.

When he came back he told me that the cysts weren't going to pose a problem to the FET cycle. In fact, they may help if they are estrogen producing. That seemed odd to me, but I guess I don't need my ovaries to produce eggs this month, so the fact that they have cysts is fine. They typically prescribe estrogen during a FET cycle in hopes that it will build up your lining, so the cysts may help to do the same thing. My lining was at 4.7 on day 5 and he thought it was a little thicker due to the cysts. He prescribed me Vivelle patches and sent me to get my estradiol levels checked.

I have a protocol I will follow where every other day I change the patch. As time goes on, I increase the number of patches I put on until I am up to 4 every other day. I was able to get 8 patches covered by my insurance, but the rest will be OOP since that is a typical month supply. Without insurance the pharmacy quoted me $72 for 8 patches. This is going to get expensive quickly....

I'm not sure I will get to the 4 patches every other day since we started on day 5 instead of day 1, and I likely have extra estrogen due to the cysts. He wants to wait until my lining is at least 8 before we do the transfer. The tentative date now is August 15 for transfer, but we will see. I have a feeling it will be sooner.

I kept my appointment for the 8th and they will check my lining then. It feels weird to be doing a cycle but not popping any pills or shooting up with any needles (is it possible to me a drug addict to fertility meds?) Estrogen patches are seriously anticlimactic. It doesn't even feel like I am doing anything. At some point I will start progesterone IM shots and will likely also do Medrol. This is a steroid that is given when assisted hatching is done.

My hubby and I have been talking about how amazing it would be if this cycle worked. The financial burden of fertility treatments is huge, and a big weight would be lifted if we didn't have to pay for another round of IVF. We can do it if needed, but I'd love to be able to spend money on things outside of making babies. The chances are better than it won't work, but I am holding some hope out for my little totsicles.

Seesaw

2011-07-27T21:46:00.000-04:00

Up and down, up and down. Each day I feel like I am on one side or the other. Lately more down than up (yeah, I'm the fat kid), but this evening I headed back up.

I called my RE this morning and left him a message. I knew he would call back this evening. What the nurse told me yesterday didn't sit well and I wanted it explained by my RE. I wanted to know the reason why what he told me immediately following the cancelled transfer had changed.

He called as we were out walking the dogs. I missed the call at first and was able to call back and catch him. I explained how I was feeling and asked what happened.

The biggest issue is that the ultrasound technician is out of town next week and he wants the ultrasound done again by the same person on the same machine. He ideally wanted to do the ultrasound a few days after I had stopped bleeding. He also said that he understands I "wanted to do the transfer yesterday."

We talked for 35 minutes and reached an agreement. I will go in Friday and get scanned by the technician if she is able to squeeze me into her schedule. If not, he will do the scan (please no!) Either way, I will get scanned on Friday and hopefully will have some answers as to whether or not the fluid is gone. Dr. S is concerned if I am still bleeding that the blood could show up on the scan and confuse things. My period started Monday and is usually about 5 days. I am hoping for an afternoon appointment to better my chances of my period being gone.

I am hoping that things look good. If so, I will be able to start the estrogen and do the FET this month.

Up and down, up and down.

Hello again disappointment

2011-07-26T21:46:00.001-04:00

The nurse called today and said we will not be able to do the FET this cycle. My RE wants me to come in for another ultrasound when I stop bleeding. He wants to be sure the fluid is gone. I guess if I were to start the estrogen and start building up my lining it could mask the fluid. If the fluid is still there he wants to do a biopsy.

The ultrasound tech is on vacation next week and I don't have an appointment until August 8th.

I am frustrated to say the least.

Now the debate is whether to wait another 7+ weeks to do the FET (my cycles unmedicated are about 35 days), or whether to start another fresh IVF. I was willing to do the FET this cycle because it would give me closure on our cycle. I didn't have a ton of hope in the fact that the embryos that were frozen were as follows: 1 6-celled embryo graded 4+, 3 4-celled embryos graded 4, and one fertilized egg that hadn't started to divide. It was always very clear they were slow to develop.

So I'm working on a pro's and con's list of IVF and FET.

FET

Pros:

The only cost is the meds (estrogen)

It may work and we could get pregnant for the cost of one IVF cycle

It gives me closure on our cycle and allows me to say we completed an IVF cycle

Cons:

The chances of success aren't great

Our embryos are not as many cells as they should be for day 3 embryos

We have to wait 7+ weeks

The best embryo may not survive the thaw and we would be left with only 4-celled embryos to transfer

IVF

Pros: Doing one cycle prior lets us know that we need to ICSI all eggs and may result in more embryos

We could be transferring fresh embryos in about 7 weeks

The chances of success are higher

We have all the meds we need

We can start this cycle (I think)

Cons:

$$$$

Our embryos could be slow to develop again

Fluid could return since we didn't know what caused it

I really can't make any decisions until the ultrasound to know whether the fluid is gone. Today W and I had a conversation about where to go from here, how much disappointment this has all been, how far we are willing to go with fertility treatments, and how this will all (hopefully) be worth it. Needless to say, the disappointment continues.

CD1

2011-07-25T22:14:00.001-04:00

So AF decided to make her grand appearance today. I was super surprised since I stopped the progesterone yesterday. In my head I had given myself until Thursday and then I was going to get anxious.

I called the nurse (Becky) at the clinic and told her. I then asked about the estrogen and how things normally go for the FET (timing, meds, transfer, etc.) She said usually you start the estrogen on any of the first 3 days of your cycle. She will talk to Dr. S tomorrow about getting me started. It should be fine to start tomorrow.

Becky said that at one point you get to 4 estrogen patches a day, yikes! I was like, where the heck do you stick all of those things? Apparently they are quite small and I won't look like a crazy nicotine addicted person trying to quit. I will also stay on the estrogen for a while, especially if I do get pregnant.

Getting my period today was a fantastic surprise. It explained why I have been feeling so emotional lately and why I have been so teary. AF always symbolizes a fresh start and excitement about a new cycle.

IVF #1 CD 25, Putting myself back together

2011-07-24T21:41:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted on my blog in over a week. I needed to step away and pull myself together before I could write again. The disappointment of the way things turned out was overwhelming and it's taken me some time to get myself back into an OK place. I haven't been great about commenting on blogs, and I haven't had much to say on my own blog. It was so hard to feel like I did everything in my power for success and just ended up with some really bad luck.

My thoughts have been all over the place since last Friday. I got up early last Monday in order to get my HCG and progesterone levels checked again. My HCG was 11 so it was definitely going down and the fluid is still unexplained. On the plus side my progesterone was over 100 which means the PIO worked well for me. My RE thinks the fluid was likely a reaction from my endometrium to the meds, but isn't sure why it happened. He said the drugs don't only stimulate your ovaries but they also stimulate your fallopian tubes and uterus. My lining was at 14 a few days before the transfer which is the thickest I have known it to be outside of when I was pregnant. I can't tell you how scared I am for my next period.

By that afternoon I called my RE. We spoke on the phone for an hour and I discussed with him my future options and concerns. W and I had been thinking about just skipping the FET and doing another fresh IVF cycle, as were concerned mainly about the financial aspects. After talking to my RE I found out the FET will only be the cost of the meds which are pretty cheap. I paid for an IVF cycle and the cost includes a transfer, so there will be no additional cost for the FET. Even if we had to pay, our clinic only charges $500 for a FET.

In a sense doing the FET will allow me to feel like we completed the cycle and didn't waste the money. It will give me closure and make me feel like we gave our embryos the best chance for success. I imagine a future where I tell my child that he/she was frozen in suspended animation in liquid nitrogen.

My hopes aren't incredibly high for this FET working, even though I would love it to. I know the success rates for frozen transfers are lower and my embryos were slow to develop all along. In addition, they were frozen on day 3. Going into the IVF cycle I had been optimistic and the real thought of getting pregnant existed. Once again I feel really far away from being pregnant.

When I talked with my RE I asked him some questions. He did say that the fact that only one egg fertilized naturally and divided was definitely significant. I've come to accept the fact that infertility for me isn't going to be a day trip, it is a journey around the world. I thought and hoped that Clomid would work for me or that IUI's would be successful. I thought I would get pregnant quickly after the miscarriage, or that I would get pregnant with twins on my first round of IVF. In reality I thought it would all be much easier than it has been. I know I will come out on the other side of all of this a stronger and more grateful person, but the journey has been much bumpier than I ever imagined.

Dave and all the ladies

My sister's wedding was this weekend, and to be honest, I was glad to not be PUPO. I had to give a speech and was super nervous about that. I was able to stress without more stress (if that makes any sense) and was able to drink, hang out late and really enjoy myself. We were up until 3 last night and I had such a fantastic time. My speech went well and I got some good laughs. My sister looked beautiful and they were so happy together. Listening to the ceremony and the vows definitely made me tear up and think about our wedding day and the promises we made to each other.

beautiful bride

As we drove home W and I talked about how I thought I was going to be super pregnant at Kate's wedding. The fact that the EDD for my miscarriage is coming up and I don't feel any closer to being pregnant is upsetting.

My speech (I don't look as nervous as I felt)

Kate and I after the wedding. We look SO much alike in this photo

My RE kept me on progesterone support in hopes that I will shed everything with my next period (including whatever was in my uterus prior to transfer). He switched me from PIO to Prometrium and I took the last pill this morning. I am now waiting for my next period and will have another ultrasound once I stop bleeding. The FET is potentially only a few weeks away so I am excited about that. Hope everyone is doing well and I apologize for not being a better blogger.

IVF #1 CD 16 (cancelled transfer)

2011-07-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

Today absolutely sucked. I don't understand why my body won't cooperate and things always go wrong. I am so incredibly bummed and spent much of the afternoon crying/napping in bed. I had to keep myself together for hours since I was with my MIL, so literally the second I walked in the door I started bawling.

We arrived on time for the transfer and although my RE was a little late, he got there and we were able to look at the embryos and make a decision as to how many/which ones we were going to transfer. We picked the best 3 (one was 6 cells, and 2 were 4 celled and all were rated 4/5.) I had taken my Valium and was plenty relaxed.

We got into the transfer room and they got me all gowned up and covered in sterile sheets. They then called the ultrasound technician to come in. She got the abdominal probe ready and puts it over my abdomen. Immediately she says, "What that?" She and my RE decided they need a better look with the vaginal probe and my RE puts it in. Like I said before, he is NOT gentle with it. He zooms in and they all agree it looks like an early gestational sac. They then called the other RE from the practice, the embryologist, and another nurse into the room. They were all amazed by what they saw and decided I need to take a pregnancy urine test and go upstairs to the higher resolution ultrasound machine to get a better picture/idea as to what was going on.

The urine test is negative.

The ultrasound reveals 3 areas of fluid in my uterus and they draw my blood for another pregnancy test. The ultrasound technician is able to get a measurement on the one round spot in my uterus and it measures ~4w4d.

I talk to my RE again and he says he will get the results of the blood pregnancy test and that I should come back in 2 hours so we can talk about it. My MIL and I went and got lunch and returned a little after 3. They made the decision to freeze all embryos since there wasn't a great chance for success with something in my uterus of unknown origin.

The HCG results were 43. This is likely residual from the trigger, especially since it would be impossible to see an early gestational sac with such a low HCG level. My RE said he will treat it for the weekend as if it were a pregnancy, but it is highly unlikely. I am supposed to continue the progesterone and return Monday for another HCG. Regardless, this number is far too low for what it should be if I were pregnant.

All in all, we froze the embryos and he wants to keep me on progesterone (probably pill form after Monday's results) in order to be sure I have a good bleed after and get rid of everything in my uterus. We will plan to do a FET next cycle.

I can't believe I didn't even get to the transfer. I am SO disappointed in my body and am starting to wonder whether this is ever going to happen for us. My RE said I have not followed any of the textbooks and he will take my case to a panel of doctors next week to discuss it.

Today seriously sucked and I am so bummed. I know that freezing and not transferring was the best decision and none of the other doctors consulted said they had ever seen this happen. There wasn't any fluid there Sunday. I just wish my body wouldn't repeatedly fail me.

IVF #1 CD 15 (updates)

2011-07-14T21:14:00.002-04:00

So I waited around all day with my phone glued to me. Finally, at 7:10 my RE called with the update. He apologized for being so late in calling but said there was an emergency in the OR he was dealing with.

Of our 5 fertilized eggs, 4 are still going. 1 of them is still at 2 cells, so isn't doing great. 3 of them are at least 4 cells, one of which is at 5 cells. The only ones that are dividing are the ones we did ICSI on. My RE said the 4 cells is about what he would expect at this stage, maybe a little slow, but nothing to worry about.

He is hoping they are at 6-8 cells tomorrow. I am scheduled for a my transfer tomorrow at 10:30. My MIL is my chauffeur and will drive me to acupuncture before and after the transfer as well as be there for support during the transfer. I told her everything tonight and she was super excited and optimistic.

W and I talked and we will probably put all 3 back tomorrow. I don't think they will all implant and it seems like my RE would be on board for transferring 3. I wish we had more to choose from, but you get what you get. Hopefully they will be at 6-8 cells tomorrow. Thinking good thoughts for my embryos this evening.

Wish me luck and send some positive vibes towards my embryos!

IVF #1 CD 14 (fertilization report)

2011-07-13T18:32:00.001-04:00

So I finally got the call at 5:45 from my RE with the update. Of our 11 eggs, they performed ICSI on 6. Of those 6, 4 fertilized. 5 of the eggs they did not perform ICSI on, and 1 fertilized. There is one other egg that may be mature enough to perform rescue ICSI on, but we will see.

So, all together we have 5 fertilized eggs. There are 4 others they are keeping cultured to see if they mature. Of our 5 fertilized eggs, 1 is 2-celled and starting to divide.

Looks like we will be doing a Friday transfer and all I can do at this point is keep my fingers and toes crossed. I am a bit disappointed by the fertilization report, but there isn't much use in feeling down about what didn't happen. I have to feel positive about what we do have. Here's hoping those 5 do well and continue to divide.

My RE said of the eggs they performed ICSI on, the outer shell of the eggs was very thick. We may be looking at assisted hatching based on how they do.

It is hard to be overwhelmingly excited and optimistic with only 5 fertilized eggs, but I am trying. I will hear more tomorrow and get a time for the transfer.

IVF #1 CD 13 (Successful Retrieval)

2011-07-12T18:17:00.000-04:00

So I have been home lounging in bed with the AC on all afternoon. I haven't had much pain or discomfort and am feeling pretty well.

We arrived early, got the IV going, and I was feeling SUPER nervous. The only experience I have with surgery/IV's are my laparoscopies, and those weren't exactly a walk in the park. They had me put on a gown and go to the bathroom prior. They then took me into the retrieval room and got me situated with the full-leg comfy stirrups. They gave me the anesthesia but it didn't kick in for a few minutes. They definitely started the procedure before I was asleep, but it didn't hurt much. In the room there were 2 nurses, my RE, the anesthesiologist, and a resident doctor. The embryologist was in an attached room with a little window between.

The next thing, I was waking up in the recovery room. I quickly learned that there were 11 eggs which is great! My RE was super positive but did say we will probably end up doing a 3 day transfer since we want to be sure we are able to get to transfer. The embryologist said W's sample looked great, but my RE and the embryologist agreed to ICSI half of the eggs.

I had some minor cramping and went home and slept for a few hours. I am feeling fine now and will probably work tomorrow.

I am happy about the 11 eggs and glad to be moving forward to the next step... transfer! I have been corresponding with another girl I met at yoga who has her retrieval tomorrow. It is nice to have someone so close to me in her cycle and location who is able to relate to the IVF craziness.

Oh, and my pedicure didn't get much attention since I had to wear these sterile booty things. The nurse did compliment them when she was helping me into the wheelchair to leave, so I'm glad they did get noticed.

IVF #1 CD 10 (trigger tonight)

2011-07-10T18:27:00.001-04:00

After going to bed at midnight last night, getting up a little before 6 was not the most fun this morning. W was able to come to my appointment since it was the weekend so that was nice. We got to hospital #1 and they were directed towards the laboratory. Once we got there they weren't exactly sure why we were there, but then eventually figured it out and took my blood. We then headed to hospital #2.

As soon as we arrived in the lobby the ultrasound tech was waiting for us. She brought us over to the office and let us in with her key. My ovaries were frickin' HUGE under ultrasound, no wonder I am so uncomfortable. She did all of her measurements and then called my RE while we waited. She reported that I have 17 follicles, all good in size and that my lining was great and tri-layered. She then put me on the phone with my RE. He told me most likely I would trigger tonight, but he needed my estradiol levels to be sure it wasn't too high. I once again got the OHSS talk, but I think it is just because he is super cautious. He also said depending on how many eggs we get, we could be looking at a 5 day transfer like we talked about last week. He seemed really optimistic and said I had a great response.

We went and got breakfast and then killed a little time before my acupuncture appointment. While I was in for my appointment, my RE called with the results. My estradiol level is up to 2,773 and I will trigger tonight! I will take 150 units of Gonal-F and the HCG trigger this evening at 9:30. No more Lupron! I can't believe how fast it actually went by once the stims started.

I have been really uncomfortable, and full feeling as well as pretty anxious. I feel like I can't do anything too fast. I am hoping that subsides once the retrieval is over, since that is the part I am most nervous about. I'm not sure if it is the meds, being so bloated, or being so anxious, but I have been feeling a bit nauseous and my appetite is off. I can't believe we trigger tonight!!

Egg retrieval here we come. I just have to get through work tomorrow. I am also planning on treating myself to a pedicure tomorrow so at least my toes will look nice in those stirrups.

IVF #1 CD 8 (What a day!)

2011-07-09T11:26:00.000-04:00

I am a day late on this post, so it is about Friday. I woke up early and made it on time for my blood work and sono. During the sono she was clicking and measuring away, so I immediately felt reassured that everything was progressing well. The left side had definitely picked up the slack a little bit so that was good. I left in a good mood and headed off to work.

I first saw a little boy at our play group and it went well. I then went to another house and they weren't home (what else is new?), so I called the next family and asked if I could come a little earlier. This little guy I have only seen one other time and he is an adorable little peanut. He just turned 2 in April and stays with his grandparents during the day while his parents work. His grandfather has had a few strokes and is not very with it, so grandma is the one I deal with primarily.

When I got there the grandmother told me she wasn't sure how he was going to be since he had gotten into some of his grandpa's pills (WHAT?!!). She said she was trying to get ahold of the doctor and his parents. Well, he sat down with me for about 5 minutes before I started to notice he was acting really strange. He wasn't interested in what I took out so kept getting up to try to get to my bag to get something else. When he stood up he was really unstable adn he was staggering, and then when he sat back down his legs started shaking really badly. This moved on to his whole body so I told the grandma and she called 911.

She gets on the phone and is practically hysterical so I ask her if she wants me to talk to them. I get on the phone and try to help figure out which pills he took. He took 2 anti-seizure meds, one Metformin, and one other pill I can't remember what it was. The ambulance arrived quickly and put him onto gurney and brought him out to the truck. I spoke to the police office who also arrived and then went out to check on the little guy. At this point he was super out of it and trying to doze off. I hung out in the back of the ambulance shaking him and trying to keep him awake. They were directing most of the questions to me because the grandma was too upset and the grandpa didn't really know what was going on. They got ahold of the parents and they were going to meet them at the hospital.

At first they asked me to ride in the ambulance with him, but I would then be stuck without a car or ride about 40 minutes away. They took the grandpa with them in the ambulance an I followed behind. When I arrived at the hospital his parents were there and they were trying to get an IV in him. He was SREAMING and wasn't so sleepy anymore. I answered a few questions for the doctor's and told the parents I hoped he felt better.

The grandma called me later in the day and said that he was doing fine and that they had a given him a catheter and EKG and were just going to monitor him for a at least 8 hours to make sure there wasn't any permanent damage. She also thanked me for being there and helping.

So, by 12:30 I had been to Syracuse twice (about 45 minutes each way), and was headed back to work. It was crazy and so scary. I can't even imagine if it were my own child, but seeing how little he was in that ambulance and at the hospital was awful. He only weighs 23 pounds!

That afternoon I got the call from the nurse at the office. My estradiol was up to 1287 and I have 9 follicles one the right and 7 on the left. Some were too small to be able to catch up, but the idea is to get the ones that are 13 and 14 cm to catch up. I will stay on the same dose of Gonal-F and go back Sunday. Since my clinic isn't open on Sunday I will be going to the hospital for the blood work and sono. Two hospitals actually. Luckily, they are right next to each other. My RE called later that day but I didn't get the call and he ended up leaving a message. He said the only risk of continuing me on the Gonal-F is OHSS. He doesn't think this will happen, but he said each person is different. I am hoping to avoid OHSS, especially since my sister's wedding is in exactly 2 weeks!!

They are planning to have me take the same dose Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and then trigger late Sunday night and come in early Tuesday for retrieval. I am getting so nervous for retrieval and have to say I am super uncomfortable. We joked this morning that I have the 4 B's of IVF: bloated, bitchy, broke, and bruised. Doesn't that sound like fun?